Good one.Novastar wrote:Why's John Prescott like an MFI flat pack...
2 screws in the wrong place and the whole cabinet comes crashing down
Only Good Jokes Here!
Funny animal videos, wmv file http://tinyurl.com/rjkt7
Andy Knight
Fear knocks at the door, knowledge answers and finds nothing.
Fear knocks at the door, knowledge answers and finds nothing.
The perfect Husband
Several men are in the locker room of a golf club. A cell phone on a
>
> bench rings and a man engages the hands free speaker-function
>
> and begins to talk. Everyone else in the room stops to listen.
>
> MAN: "Hello"
>
> WOMAN: "Honey, it's me. Are you at the club?"
>
> MAN: "Yes"
>
> WOMAN: "I am at the mall now and found this beautiful leather coat.
>
> It's only $1,000. Is it OK if I buy it?"
>
> MAN: "Sure, ..go ahead if you like it that much."
>
> WOMAN: "I also stopped by the Mercedes dealership and saw the
>
> new 2006 models. I saw one I really liked"
>
> MAN: "How much?"
>
> WOMAN: "$90,000"
>
> MAN: "OK, but for that price I want it with all the options."
>
> WOMAN: "Great! Oh, and one more thing ... The house I wanted last
>
> year is back on the market. They're asking $950,000"
>
> MAN: "Well, then go ahead and give them an offer of $900,000.
>
> They will probably take it. If not, we can go the extra 50 thousand.
If it's really a pretty good price."
>
> WOMAN: "OK. I'll see you later! I love you so much!!"
>
> MAN: "Bye! I love you, too."
>
> The man hangs up. The other men in the locker room are staring at
>
> him in astonishment, mouths agape.....
>
> He smiles and asks: "Anyone know who this phone belongs to?...."
Several men are in the locker room of a golf club. A cell phone on a
>
> bench rings and a man engages the hands free speaker-function
>
> and begins to talk. Everyone else in the room stops to listen.
>
> MAN: "Hello"
>
> WOMAN: "Honey, it's me. Are you at the club?"
>
> MAN: "Yes"
>
> WOMAN: "I am at the mall now and found this beautiful leather coat.
>
> It's only $1,000. Is it OK if I buy it?"
>
> MAN: "Sure, ..go ahead if you like it that much."
>
> WOMAN: "I also stopped by the Mercedes dealership and saw the
>
> new 2006 models. I saw one I really liked"
>
> MAN: "How much?"
>
> WOMAN: "$90,000"
>
> MAN: "OK, but for that price I want it with all the options."
>
> WOMAN: "Great! Oh, and one more thing ... The house I wanted last
>
> year is back on the market. They're asking $950,000"
>
> MAN: "Well, then go ahead and give them an offer of $900,000.
>
> They will probably take it. If not, we can go the extra 50 thousand.
If it's really a pretty good price."
>
> WOMAN: "OK. I'll see you later! I love you so much!!"
>
> MAN: "Bye! I love you, too."
>
> The man hangs up. The other men in the locker room are staring at
>
> him in astonishment, mouths agape.....
>
> He smiles and asks: "Anyone know who this phone belongs to?...."
Why be scared????
-
Hell's Cat
- Posts: 143
- Joined: 21 Nov 2002, 09:34
- Location: Portobello
- Contact:
Miss Beatrice, the church organist, was in her eighties and had never been married. She was admired for her sweetness and kindness to all. One afternoon the pastor came to call on her and she showed him into her quaint sitting room. She invited him to have a seat while she prepared tea.
As he sat facing her old Hammond organ, the young minister noticed a cut-glass bowl sitting on top of it. The bowl was filled with water, and in the water floated, of all things, a condom! When she returned with tea and scones, they began to chat.
The pastor tried to stifle his curiosity about the bowl of water and its strange floater, but soon it got the better of him and He could no longer resist. "Miss Beatrice", he said, "I wonder if you would tell me about this?" pointing to the bowl.
"Oh, yes," she replied, "Isn't it wonderful? I was walking through the Park a few months ago and I found this little package on the ground. The directions said to place it on the organ, keep it wet and that it would prevent the spread of disease. Do you know I haven't had the flu all winter."
As he sat facing her old Hammond organ, the young minister noticed a cut-glass bowl sitting on top of it. The bowl was filled with water, and in the water floated, of all things, a condom! When she returned with tea and scones, they began to chat.
The pastor tried to stifle his curiosity about the bowl of water and its strange floater, but soon it got the better of him and He could no longer resist. "Miss Beatrice", he said, "I wonder if you would tell me about this?" pointing to the bowl.
"Oh, yes," she replied, "Isn't it wonderful? I was walking through the Park a few months ago and I found this little package on the ground. The directions said to place it on the organ, keep it wet and that it would prevent the spread of disease. Do you know I haven't had the flu all winter."
Only after the last tree has been cut down, only after the last river has been poisoned, only after the last fish has been caught, only then will you find, that money cannot be eaten.
a bit late...
News reports have confirmed that Paul McCartney has separated from his
wife Heather Mills-McCartney.
Mrs Mills-McCartney is said to be distraught over the split "He has been my crutch for so long!!" She said in an earlier briefing, "I have
no idea why this has happened, I'm stumped"
She's reported to be making frantic efforts to keep the split as civil as possible.
"She's running around in circles", according to a close friend, "she
will need all the support she can get its not like its easy to walk
out on a relationship like this"
It is not known whether a pre-nuptial agreement was signed prior to
the marriage, Paul McCartney is one of the richest men in the world
amassing a colossal wealth due to his participation with The Beatles
and subsequent musical collaborations, if an agreement hasn't been
signed it is believed that she won't have a leg to stand on.
Rumours abound over the split have suggested that infidelity may have
been the cause. "She's terrible" a source stated, "always trying to
get her leg over".
Another source has suggested that her battle with alcoholism was the
cause. "Macca couldn't handle it anymore" a friend said "he would get
home at night and find her legless"
Many have attributed this to a problem which started with the present
that Paul had got prior to the wedding; he gave her a new prosthetic
leg for Christmas but that was just a stocking-filler. The main gift
was a plane but then he gave her a Ladyshave for the other leg.
News reports have confirmed that Paul McCartney has separated from his
wife Heather Mills-McCartney.
Mrs Mills-McCartney is said to be distraught over the split "He has been my crutch for so long!!" She said in an earlier briefing, "I have
no idea why this has happened, I'm stumped"
She's reported to be making frantic efforts to keep the split as civil as possible.
"She's running around in circles", according to a close friend, "she
will need all the support she can get its not like its easy to walk
out on a relationship like this"
It is not known whether a pre-nuptial agreement was signed prior to
the marriage, Paul McCartney is one of the richest men in the world
amassing a colossal wealth due to his participation with The Beatles
and subsequent musical collaborations, if an agreement hasn't been
signed it is believed that she won't have a leg to stand on.
Rumours abound over the split have suggested that infidelity may have
been the cause. "She's terrible" a source stated, "always trying to
get her leg over".
Another source has suggested that her battle with alcoholism was the
cause. "Macca couldn't handle it anymore" a friend said "he would get
home at night and find her legless"
Many have attributed this to a problem which started with the present
that Paul had got prior to the wedding; he gave her a new prosthetic
leg for Christmas but that was just a stocking-filler. The main gift
was a plane but then he gave her a Ladyshave for the other leg.
How evil are you?
Okay, this should be interesting. I'm ashamed to say I could only manage a paltry 20%
http://www.blogthings.com/howevilareyouquiz/
http://www.blogthings.com/howevilareyouquiz/
Andy Knight
Fear knocks at the door, knowledge answers and finds nothing.
Fear knocks at the door, knowledge answers and finds nothing.
Re: How evil are you?
32%, apparently I'm the "most dangerous kind of evil"Scorpion wrote:Okay, this should be interesting. I'm ashamed to say I could only manage a paltry 20%
http://www.blogthings.com/howevilareyouquiz/
-
Hell's Cat
- Posts: 143
- Joined: 21 Nov 2002, 09:34
- Location: Portobello
- Contact:
Always wear clean underwear in public, especially when working under your vehicle. From the Northwest Florida Daily News comes this story of a Crestview couple who drove their car to Walmart, only to have their car break down in the parking lot.
The man told his wife to carry on with the shopping while he fixed the car in the lot. The wife returned a while later to see a small group of people near the car. On closer inspection, she saw a pair of male legs protruding from under the chassis.
Although the man was in shorts, his lack of underpants turned private parts into glaringly public ones. Unable to stand the embarrassment, she dutifully stepped forward, quickly put her hand UP his shorts, and tucked everything back into place.
On regaining her feet, she looked across the hood and found herself staring at her husband who was standing idly by.
The mechanic, however, had to have three stitches in his forehead
The man told his wife to carry on with the shopping while he fixed the car in the lot. The wife returned a while later to see a small group of people near the car. On closer inspection, she saw a pair of male legs protruding from under the chassis.
Although the man was in shorts, his lack of underpants turned private parts into glaringly public ones. Unable to stand the embarrassment, she dutifully stepped forward, quickly put her hand UP his shorts, and tucked everything back into place.
On regaining her feet, she looked across the hood and found herself staring at her husband who was standing idly by.
The mechanic, however, had to have three stitches in his forehead
Only after the last tree has been cut down, only after the last river has been poisoned, only after the last fish has been caught, only then will you find, that money cannot be eaten.
-
Hell's Cat
- Posts: 143
- Joined: 21 Nov 2002, 09:34
- Location: Portobello
- Contact:
Three Aussie guys were working on a high-rise building project
Steve, Bruce and Bluey.
Steve falls off and is killed instantly.
As the ambulance takes the body away, Bruce says,
"Someone should go and tell his wife."
Bluey says, "OK, I'm pretty good at that sensitive stuff, I'll do it."
Two hours later, he comes back carrying a case of Fosters.
Bruce says, "Where did you get that, Bluey?"
"Steve's wife gave it to me," Bluey replies.
"That's unbelievable, you told the lady her husband was dead
and she gave you the beer?"
"Well not exactly," Bluey says. "When she answered the door, I said to her, 'You must be Steve's widow'.
She said, 'No, I'm not a widow.'
And I said, 'I'll bet you a case of Fosters you are'
Steve, Bruce and Bluey.
Steve falls off and is killed instantly.
As the ambulance takes the body away, Bruce says,
"Someone should go and tell his wife."
Bluey says, "OK, I'm pretty good at that sensitive stuff, I'll do it."
Two hours later, he comes back carrying a case of Fosters.
Bruce says, "Where did you get that, Bluey?"
"Steve's wife gave it to me," Bluey replies.
"That's unbelievable, you told the lady her husband was dead
and she gave you the beer?"
"Well not exactly," Bluey says. "When she answered the door, I said to her, 'You must be Steve's widow'.
She said, 'No, I'm not a widow.'
And I said, 'I'll bet you a case of Fosters you are'
Only after the last tree has been cut down, only after the last river has been poisoned, only after the last fish has been caught, only then will you find, that money cannot be eaten.
-
Hell's Cat
- Posts: 143
- Joined: 21 Nov 2002, 09:34
- Location: Portobello
- Contact:
Three Aussie guys were working on a high-rise building project
Steve, Bruce and Bluey.
Steve falls off and is killed instantly.
As the ambulance takes the body away, Bruce says,
"Someone should go and tell his wife."
Bluey says, "OK, I'm pretty good at that sensitive stuff, I'll do it."
Two hours later, he comes back carrying a case of Fosters.
Bruce says, "Where did you get that, Bluey?"
"Steve's wife gave it to me," Bluey replies.
"That's unbelievable, you told the lady her husband was dead
and she gave you the beer?"
"Well not exactly," Bluey says. "When she answered the door, I said to her, 'You must be Steve's widow'.
She said, 'No, I'm not a widow.'
And I said, 'I'll bet you a case of Fosters you are'
Steve, Bruce and Bluey.
Steve falls off and is killed instantly.
As the ambulance takes the body away, Bruce says,
"Someone should go and tell his wife."
Bluey says, "OK, I'm pretty good at that sensitive stuff, I'll do it."
Two hours later, he comes back carrying a case of Fosters.
Bruce says, "Where did you get that, Bluey?"
"Steve's wife gave it to me," Bluey replies.
"That's unbelievable, you told the lady her husband was dead
and she gave you the beer?"
"Well not exactly," Bluey says. "When she answered the door, I said to her, 'You must be Steve's widow'.
She said, 'No, I'm not a widow.'
And I said, 'I'll bet you a case of Fosters you are'
Only after the last tree has been cut down, only after the last river has been poisoned, only after the last fish has been caught, only then will you find, that money cannot be eaten.
-
Cleopas
Apparently Spike Milligan wrote this ... the funniest joke in the world ... according to the media.
Two hunters are out in the woods in New Jersey when one of them collapses. He doesn't seem to be breathing and his eyes are glazed. The other guy whips out his phone and calls the emergency services.
He gasps 'My friend is dead! What can I do?'
The operator says: 'Calm down, I can help. First, let's make sure he's dead.'
There is a silence, then a shot is heard.
Back on the phone, the guy says 'Okay ... now what?'
Two hunters are out in the woods in New Jersey when one of them collapses. He doesn't seem to be breathing and his eyes are glazed. The other guy whips out his phone and calls the emergency services.
He gasps 'My friend is dead! What can I do?'
The operator says: 'Calm down, I can help. First, let's make sure he's dead.'
There is a silence, then a shot is heard.
Back on the phone, the guy says 'Okay ... now what?'
-
Cleopas
The State of Ghandi
Mahatma Gandhi, as you know, walked barefoot most of the time which produced an impressive set of callouses on his feet. He also ate very little which made him rather frail and, with his odd diet, he suffered from bad breath. This is what made him a super calloused fragile mystic hexed by halitosis.
Koala Tea
Two kangaroo shooters are way out the back of Bourke when their ute breaks down. They do the right thing and stay with it but no one comes along. So they decide to walk out with the temperature being 40 degrees Celsius plus.
After 2 days, they’re on their last drop of radiator water when they climb a rise and find, nailed to a tree, a sign saying MERCY, POPULATION 12. In the distance there's a collection of ramshackle tin huts. They arrive and identify one hut as a café. They enter.
A lady appears, very proper. "Yis", she says.
"Bring us a drink, luv. Make it long and quick."
"We only serve one thing here."
"What’s that?"
"Koala tea."
"Well, bring it luv, only make it quick!"
She brings it, and she is not kidding. Pathetic little paws grip the edge of the billy and little furry ears poke through the murky surface. Well, kangaroo shooters are pretty tough but they’re not this tough. They look at each other and beg the woman to "take it away please, and strain it."
"What?" she says, "The Koala Tea of Mercy is not strained."
Two kangaroo shooters are way out the back of Bourke when their ute breaks down. They do the right thing and stay with it but no one comes along. So they decide to walk out with the temperature being 40 degrees Celsius plus.
After 2 days, they’re on their last drop of radiator water when they climb a rise and find, nailed to a tree, a sign saying MERCY, POPULATION 12. In the distance there's a collection of ramshackle tin huts. They arrive and identify one hut as a café. They enter.
A lady appears, very proper. "Yis", she says.
"Bring us a drink, luv. Make it long and quick."
"We only serve one thing here."
"What’s that?"
"Koala tea."
"Well, bring it luv, only make it quick!"
She brings it, and she is not kidding. Pathetic little paws grip the edge of the billy and little furry ears poke through the murky surface. Well, kangaroo shooters are pretty tough but they’re not this tough. They look at each other and beg the woman to "take it away please, and strain it."
"What?" she says, "The Koala Tea of Mercy is not strained."
Why be scared????
Some Peter Kay one-liners half-inched from another forum...
So I was having dinner with Garry Kasporov (world chess champion)and there was a check tablecloth. It took him two hours to pass me the salt.
******
I met a Dutch girl with inflatable shoes last week, phoned her up to arrange a date but unfortunately she'd popped her clogs.
******
Two Eskimos sitting in a kayak were chilly; but when they lit a fire in the craft,it sank, proving once and for all that you can't have your kayak and heat it.
******
So I said "Do you want a game of Darts?", he said "OK then", I said "Nearest to bull starts". He said "Baa", I said "Moo", he said "You're closest".
******
The other day I sent my girlfriend a huge pile of snow. I rang her up,I said "Did you get my drift?".
******
So I went down the local supermarket, I said "I want to make a complaint,this vinegar's got lumps in it", he said "Those are pickled onions".
******
I saw this bloke chatting up a cheetah, I thought "he's trying to pull a fast one".
******
But I'll tell you what I love doing more than anything: trying to pack myself in a small suitcase. I can hardly contain myself.
******
So I met this gangster who pulls up the back of people's pants,it was Wedgie Kray.
******
So I went to the Chinese restaurant and this duck came up to me with a red rose and says "Your eyes sparkle like diamonds". I said "Waiter,I asked for a-ROMATIC duck".
******
But I'm in great mood tonight because the other day I entered a competition and I won a years supply of Marmite......... one jar.
******
So this bloke says to me, "Can I come in your house and talk about your carpets?". I thought "That's all I need, a Je-hoover's witness".
******
You see my next door neighbour worships exhaust pipes, he's a cathalic converter.
******
So I rang up British Telecom, I said "I want to report a nuisance caller",he said "Not you again".
******
He said "You remind me of a pepper-pot", I said "I'll take that as a condiment".
******
Now did you know all male tennis players are witches, for example Goran, even he's a witch.
******
And I've got a friend who's fallen in love with two school bags, he's bisatchel.
******
So I was in Tesco's and I saw this man and woman wrapped in a barcode. I said "Are you two an item?".
******
So a lorry-load of tortoises crashed into a train-load of terrapins,I thought "That's a turtle disaster".
******
Four fonts walk into a bar The barman says "Oi - get out! We don't want your type in here".
******
A jump-lead walks into a bar. The barman says "I'll serve you,but don't start anything".
******
A priest, a rabbi and a vicar walk into a bar. The barman says,"Is this some kind of joke?".
******
A sandwich walks into a bar. The barman says "Sorry we don't serve food in here".
******
A woman has twins, and gives them up for adoption. One of them goes to a family in Egypt and is named "Amal." The other goes to a family in Spain, they name him Juan". Years later, Juan sends a picture of himself to his mum. Upon receiving the picture, she tells her husband that she wished she also had a picture of Amal. Her husband responds, "But they are twins. If you've seen Juan, you've seen Amal."
So I was having dinner with Garry Kasporov (world chess champion)and there was a check tablecloth. It took him two hours to pass me the salt.
******
I met a Dutch girl with inflatable shoes last week, phoned her up to arrange a date but unfortunately she'd popped her clogs.
******
Two Eskimos sitting in a kayak were chilly; but when they lit a fire in the craft,it sank, proving once and for all that you can't have your kayak and heat it.
******
So I said "Do you want a game of Darts?", he said "OK then", I said "Nearest to bull starts". He said "Baa", I said "Moo", he said "You're closest".
******
The other day I sent my girlfriend a huge pile of snow. I rang her up,I said "Did you get my drift?".
******
So I went down the local supermarket, I said "I want to make a complaint,this vinegar's got lumps in it", he said "Those are pickled onions".
******
I saw this bloke chatting up a cheetah, I thought "he's trying to pull a fast one".
******
But I'll tell you what I love doing more than anything: trying to pack myself in a small suitcase. I can hardly contain myself.
******
So I met this gangster who pulls up the back of people's pants,it was Wedgie Kray.
******
So I went to the Chinese restaurant and this duck came up to me with a red rose and says "Your eyes sparkle like diamonds". I said "Waiter,I asked for a-ROMATIC duck".
******
But I'm in great mood tonight because the other day I entered a competition and I won a years supply of Marmite......... one jar.
******
So this bloke says to me, "Can I come in your house and talk about your carpets?". I thought "That's all I need, a Je-hoover's witness".
******
You see my next door neighbour worships exhaust pipes, he's a cathalic converter.
******
So I rang up British Telecom, I said "I want to report a nuisance caller",he said "Not you again".
******
He said "You remind me of a pepper-pot", I said "I'll take that as a condiment".
******
Now did you know all male tennis players are witches, for example Goran, even he's a witch.
******
And I've got a friend who's fallen in love with two school bags, he's bisatchel.
******
So I was in Tesco's and I saw this man and woman wrapped in a barcode. I said "Are you two an item?".
******
So a lorry-load of tortoises crashed into a train-load of terrapins,I thought "That's a turtle disaster".
******
Four fonts walk into a bar The barman says "Oi - get out! We don't want your type in here".
******
A jump-lead walks into a bar. The barman says "I'll serve you,but don't start anything".
******
A priest, a rabbi and a vicar walk into a bar. The barman says,"Is this some kind of joke?".
******
A sandwich walks into a bar. The barman says "Sorry we don't serve food in here".
******
A woman has twins, and gives them up for adoption. One of them goes to a family in Egypt and is named "Amal." The other goes to a family in Spain, they name him Juan". Years later, Juan sends a picture of himself to his mum. Upon receiving the picture, she tells her husband that she wished she also had a picture of Amal. Her husband responds, "But they are twins. If you've seen Juan, you've seen Amal."
bearcub wrote:Some Peter Kay one-liners half-inched from another forum...
So I was having dinner with Garry Kasporov and there was a check tablecloth. It took him two hours to pass me the salt.
******
I met a Dutch girl with inflatable shoes last week, phoned her up to arrange a date but unfortunately she'd popped her clogs.
******
Two Eskimos sitting in a kayak were chilly; but when they lit a fire in the craft,it sank, proving once and for all that you can't have your kayak and heat it.
******
So I said "Do you want a game of Darts?", he said "OK then", I said "Nearest to bull starts". He said "Baa", I said "Moo", he said "You're closest".
******
The other day I sent my girlfriend a huge pile of snow. I rang her up,I said "Did you get my drift?".
******
So I went down the local supermarket, I said "I want to make a complaint,this vinegar's got lumps in it", he said "Those are pickled onions".
******
I saw this bloke chatting up a cheetah, I thought "he's trying to pull a fast one".
******
But I'll tell you what I love doing more than anything: trying to pack myself in a small suitcase. I can hardly contain myself.
******
So I met this gangster who pulls up the back of people's pants,it was Wedgie Kray.
******
So I went to the Chinese restaurant and this duck came up to me with a red rose and says "Your eyes sparkle like diamonds". I said "Waiter,I asked for a-ROMATIC duck".
******
But I'm in great mood tonight because the other day I entered a competition and I won a years supply of Marmite......... one jar.
******
So this bloke says to me, "Can I come in your house and talk about your carpets?". I thought "That's all I need, a Je-hoover's witness".
******
You see my next door neighbour worships exhaust pipes, he's a cathalic converter.
******
So I rang up British Telecom, I said "I want to report a nuisance caller",he said "Not you again".
******
He said "You remind me of a pepper-pot", I said "I'll take that as a condiment".
******
Now did you know all male tennis players are witches, for example Goran, even he's a witch.
******
And I've got a friend who's fallen in love with two school bags, he's bisatchel.
******
So I was in Tesco's and I saw this man and woman wrapped in a barcode. I said "Are you two an item?".
******
So a lorry-load of tortoises crashed into a train-load of terrapins,I thought "That's a turtle disaster".
******
Four fonts walk into a bar The barman says "Oi - get out! We don't want your type in here".
******
A jump-lead walks into a bar. The barman says "I'll serve you,but don't start anything".
******
A priest, a rabbi and a vicar walk into a bar. The barman says,"Is this some kind of joke?".
******
A sandwich walks into a bar. The barman says "Sorry we don't serve food in here".
******
A woman has twins, and gives them up for adoption. One of them goes to a family in Egypt and is named "Amal." The other goes to a family in Spain, they name him Juan". Years later, Juan sends a picture of himself to his mum. Upon receiving the picture, she tells her husband that she wished she also had a picture of Amal. Her husband responds, "But they are twins. If you've seen Juan, you've seen Amal."
-
Cleopas
HOW TO INSTALL A HOME SECURITY SYSTEM
1. Go to a second-hand store and buy a pair of men's used size 14-16 work boots.
2. Place them on your front porch, along with several empty beer cans, a copy of Guns & Ammo magazine and several NRA magazines.
3. Put a few giant dog dishes next to the boots and magazine.
4. Leave a note on your door that reads:
Hey Bubba, Big Jim, Duke and Slim, I went to the gun shop for more ammunition. Back in an hour. Don't mess with the pit bulls -- they attacked the mailman this morning and messed him up real bad. I don't think Killer took part in it but it was hard to tell from all the blood.
PS - I locked all four of 'em in the house. Better wait outside.
1. Go to a second-hand store and buy a pair of men's used size 14-16 work boots.
2. Place them on your front porch, along with several empty beer cans, a copy of Guns & Ammo magazine and several NRA magazines.
3. Put a few giant dog dishes next to the boots and magazine.
4. Leave a note on your door that reads:
Hey Bubba, Big Jim, Duke and Slim, I went to the gun shop for more ammunition. Back in an hour. Don't mess with the pit bulls -- they attacked the mailman this morning and messed him up real bad. I don't think Killer took part in it but it was hard to tell from all the blood.
PS - I locked all four of 'em in the house. Better wait outside.
Why be scared????
-
Bob Jefferson
- Posts: 6212
- Joined: 11 Dec 2004, 21:16
- Location: Planet Porty
- Contact:
I don't do jokes, but I wanted to share this true story with you. A neighbour of mine is currently dismantling his lean-to glasshouse/conservatory, or 'sitooterie' as he likes to call it. All of the glass has now been removed from the aluminium frame with the exception of the door. Nevertheless, his elderly and half-blind dog seems to be oblivious to the new opportunities to step through the framework and still sits patiently, waiting for him to open the door to be allowed out.
Well you can't teach an old dog new tricks.
Well you can't teach an old dog new tricks.
Here are a string of pictures that show how careless people can be with computers
http://content.techrepublic.com.com/234 ... 167-1.html
http://content.techrepublic.com.com/234 ... 167-1.html
Andy Knight
Fear knocks at the door, knowledge answers and finds nothing.
Fear knocks at the door, knowledge answers and finds nothing.
-
Bob Jefferson
- Posts: 6212
- Joined: 11 Dec 2004, 21:16
- Location: Planet Porty
- Contact:
Proving again that truth is funnier than fiction, check out this pole dancing kit offer from Makro. Displayed along side a selection of serious gym equipment, this item is advertised as:
Well, that's froglette's birthday sorted!
Makro Pole Dancing Kit Offer
- Great for cardio vascular, toning and flexibility
Fully adjustable pole fits most rooms, no nails or adhesive to fit
Holds weight of up to 16 stone
With instructional CD
Well, that's froglette's birthday sorted!
Makro Pole Dancing Kit Offer
-
Marguerite-the-Poet
- Posts: 135
- Joined: 02 Aug 2006, 17:49
Does your home insurance cover the liability for having a dancing pole? Where I'm from they do. Heck, why bother with one, my feet do the dancing not the pole!Bob Jefferson wrote:Proving again that truth is funnier than fiction, check out this pole dancing kit offer from Makro. Displayed along side a selection of serious gym equipment, this item is advertised as:
At a bargain price of £29:99, it appears to come complete with pink garter and fake money.
- Great for cardio vascular, toning and flexibility
Fully adjustable pole fits most rooms, no nails or adhesive to fit
Holds weight of up to 16 stone
With instructional CD
Well, that's froglette's birthday sorted!
Makro Pole Dancing Kit Offer
Whether a man winds up with a nest egg, or a goose egg,
depends a lot on the kind of chick he marries.
Trouble in marriage often starts when a man gets so busy earnin' his salt that he forgets his sugar.
Too many couples marry for better, or for worse, but not for good.
When a man marries a woman, they become one; but the trouble starts when they try to decide which one.
If a man has enough horse sense to treat his wife like a thoroughbred, she will never turn into an old nag.
On anniversaries, the wise husband always forgets the past - but never the present.
A foolish husband says to his wife, "Honey, you stick to the washin', ironin', cookin' and scrubbin'. No wife of mine is gonna "work"."
Many girls like to marry a military man - he can cook, sew,
and make beds and is in good health, and he's already used
to taking orders.
Eventually you will reach a point when you stop lying about your age and start bragging about it.
Some people try to turn back their odometers. Not me, I want people to know "why" I look this way. I've traveled a long way and some of the roads weren't paved.
How old would you be if you didn't know how old you are?
You know you are getting old, when everything either dries
up or leaks.
Old age is when former classmates are so gray and wrinkled
and bald, they don't recognize you.
Have a GREAT day.......and keep Laughing!
It's good for the soul.
depends a lot on the kind of chick he marries.
Trouble in marriage often starts when a man gets so busy earnin' his salt that he forgets his sugar.
Too many couples marry for better, or for worse, but not for good.
When a man marries a woman, they become one; but the trouble starts when they try to decide which one.
If a man has enough horse sense to treat his wife like a thoroughbred, she will never turn into an old nag.
On anniversaries, the wise husband always forgets the past - but never the present.
A foolish husband says to his wife, "Honey, you stick to the washin', ironin', cookin' and scrubbin'. No wife of mine is gonna "work"."
Many girls like to marry a military man - he can cook, sew,
and make beds and is in good health, and he's already used
to taking orders.
Eventually you will reach a point when you stop lying about your age and start bragging about it.
Some people try to turn back their odometers. Not me, I want people to know "why" I look this way. I've traveled a long way and some of the roads weren't paved.
How old would you be if you didn't know how old you are?
You know you are getting old, when everything either dries
up or leaks.
Old age is when former classmates are so gray and wrinkled
and bald, they don't recognize you.
Have a GREAT day.......and keep Laughing!
It's good for the soul.
Andy Knight
Fear knocks at the door, knowledge answers and finds nothing.
Fear knocks at the door, knowledge answers and finds nothing.
Ever wonder about those people who spend $2.00 apiece on those little bottles of Evian water? Try spelling Evian backwards: NAIVE
If 4 out of 5 people SUFFER from diarrhea ... does that mean that one enjoys it?
There are three religious truths:
1. Jews do not recognize Jesus as the Messiah.
2. Protestants do not recognize the Pope as the leader of the Christian faith.
3. Baptists do not recognize each other in the liquor store or at Hooters.
If you take an Oriental person and spin him around several times, does he become disoriented?
If people from Poland are called Poles, why aren't people from Holland called Holes?
Why do we say something is out of whack? What's a whack?
Do infants enjoy infancy as much as adults enjoy adultery?
If a pig loses its voice, is it disgruntled?
If love is blind, why is lingerie so popular?
When someone asks you, "A penny for your thoughts," and you put your two cents in ... what happens to the other penny?
Why is the man who invests all your money called a broker?
Why do croutons come in airtight packages? Aren't they just stale bread to begin with?
When cheese gets its picture taken, what does it say?
Why is a person who plays the piano called a pianist but a person who drives a race car not called a racist?
Why are a wise man and a wise guy opposites?
Why do overlook and oversee mean opposite things?
Why isn't the number 11 pronounced onety one?
"I am." is reportedly the shortest sentence in the English language. Could it be that "I do." is the longest sentence?
If lawyers are disbarred and clergymen defrocked, doesn't it follow that electricians can be delighted, musicians denoted, cowboys deranged, models deposed, tree surgeons debarked, and dry cleaners depressed?
If Fed Ex and UPS were to merge, would they call it Fed UP?
Do Lipton Tea employees take coffee breaks?
What hair color do they put on the driver's licenses of bald men?
I was thinking about how people seem to read the Bible a whole lot more as they get older. Then it dawned on me ... they're cramming for their final exam.
I thought about how mothers feed their babies with tiny little spoons and forks, so I wondered what do Chinese mothers use? Toothpicks?
Why do they put pictures of criminals up in the Post Office? What are we supposed to do, write to them? Why don't they just put their pictures on the postage stamps so the mailmen can look for them while they deliver the mail?
If it's true that we are here to help others, then what exactly are the others here for?
You never really learn to swear until you learn to drive.
No one ever says, "It's only a game" when their team is winning.
Ever wonder what the speed of lightning would be if it didn't zigzag?
Last night I played a blank tape at full blast. The mime next door went nuts.
If 4 out of 5 people SUFFER from diarrhea ... does that mean that one enjoys it?
There are three religious truths:
1. Jews do not recognize Jesus as the Messiah.
2. Protestants do not recognize the Pope as the leader of the Christian faith.
3. Baptists do not recognize each other in the liquor store or at Hooters.
If you take an Oriental person and spin him around several times, does he become disoriented?
If people from Poland are called Poles, why aren't people from Holland called Holes?
Why do we say something is out of whack? What's a whack?
Do infants enjoy infancy as much as adults enjoy adultery?
If a pig loses its voice, is it disgruntled?
If love is blind, why is lingerie so popular?
When someone asks you, "A penny for your thoughts," and you put your two cents in ... what happens to the other penny?
Why is the man who invests all your money called a broker?
Why do croutons come in airtight packages? Aren't they just stale bread to begin with?
When cheese gets its picture taken, what does it say?
Why is a person who plays the piano called a pianist but a person who drives a race car not called a racist?
Why are a wise man and a wise guy opposites?
Why do overlook and oversee mean opposite things?
Why isn't the number 11 pronounced onety one?
"I am." is reportedly the shortest sentence in the English language. Could it be that "I do." is the longest sentence?
If lawyers are disbarred and clergymen defrocked, doesn't it follow that electricians can be delighted, musicians denoted, cowboys deranged, models deposed, tree surgeons debarked, and dry cleaners depressed?
If Fed Ex and UPS were to merge, would they call it Fed UP?
Do Lipton Tea employees take coffee breaks?
What hair color do they put on the driver's licenses of bald men?
I was thinking about how people seem to read the Bible a whole lot more as they get older. Then it dawned on me ... they're cramming for their final exam.
I thought about how mothers feed their babies with tiny little spoons and forks, so I wondered what do Chinese mothers use? Toothpicks?
Why do they put pictures of criminals up in the Post Office? What are we supposed to do, write to them? Why don't they just put their pictures on the postage stamps so the mailmen can look for them while they deliver the mail?
If it's true that we are here to help others, then what exactly are the others here for?
You never really learn to swear until you learn to drive.
No one ever says, "It's only a game" when their team is winning.
Ever wonder what the speed of lightning would be if it didn't zigzag?
Last night I played a blank tape at full blast. The mime next door went nuts.
Andy Knight
Fear knocks at the door, knowledge answers and finds nothing.
Fear knocks at the door, knowledge answers and finds nothing.
BOB'S STORY
It is important for men to remember that, as women grow older, it becomes harder for them to maintain the same quality of housekeeping as when they were younger. When you notice this, try not to yell at them. Some are oversensitive, and there's nothing worse than an oversensitive woman.
My name is Bob. Let me relate how I handled the situation with my wife, Debbie. When I took "early retirement" last year, it became necessary for Debbie to get a full-time job along with her part time job, both for extra income and for the health benefits that we needed. Shortly after she started working, I noticed she was beginning to show her age. I usually get home from the golf course about the same time she gets home from work.
Although she knows how hungry I am, she almost always says she has to rest for half an hour or so before she starts dinner. I don't yell at her. Instead, I tell her to take her time and just wake me when she gets dinner on the table. I generally have lunch in the Men's Grill at the club so eating out is not reasonable. I'm ready for some home cooked grub when I hit that door.
She used to do the dishes as soon as we finished eating. But now it's not unusual for them to sit on the table for several hours after dinner. I do what I can by diplomatically reminding her several times each evening that they won't clean themselves. I know she really appreciates this, as it does seem to motivate her to get them done before she goes to bed.
Another symptom of aging is complaining, I think. For example she will say that it is difficult for her to find time to pay the monthly bills during her lunch hour. But, boys, we take 'em for better or worse, so I just smile and offer encouragement. I tell her to stretch it out over two or even three days. That way she won't have to rush so much. I also remind her that missing lunch completely now and then wouldn't hurt her any (if you know what I mean). I like to think tact is one of my strong points.
When doing simple jobs, she seems to think she needs more rest periods. She had to take a break when she was only half finished mowing the yard. I try not to make a scene. I'm a fair man. I tell her to fix herself a nice, big, cold glass of freshly squeezed lemonade and just sit for a while. And, as long as she is making one for herself, she may as well make one for me too.
I know that I probably look like a saint in the way I support Debbie. I'm not saying that showing this much consideration is easy. Many men will find it difficult. Some will find it impossible! Nobody knows better than I do how frustrating women get as they get older. However, guys, even if you just use a little more tact and less criticism of your aging wife because of this article, I will consider that writing it was well worthwhile. After all, we are put on this earth to help each other.
Signed,
Bob
EDITOR'S NOTE: Bob died suddenly on May 27th. The police report says that he was found with a Calloway extra long 50 inch Big Bertha Driver II golf club rammed up his ass, with only 2 inches of grip showing. His wife, Debbie, was arrested and charged with murder; however, the all woman jury found her Not Guilty, accepting her defense that he accidentally sat down on it.
It is important for men to remember that, as women grow older, it becomes harder for them to maintain the same quality of housekeeping as when they were younger. When you notice this, try not to yell at them. Some are oversensitive, and there's nothing worse than an oversensitive woman.
My name is Bob. Let me relate how I handled the situation with my wife, Debbie. When I took "early retirement" last year, it became necessary for Debbie to get a full-time job along with her part time job, both for extra income and for the health benefits that we needed. Shortly after she started working, I noticed she was beginning to show her age. I usually get home from the golf course about the same time she gets home from work.
Although she knows how hungry I am, she almost always says she has to rest for half an hour or so before she starts dinner. I don't yell at her. Instead, I tell her to take her time and just wake me when she gets dinner on the table. I generally have lunch in the Men's Grill at the club so eating out is not reasonable. I'm ready for some home cooked grub when I hit that door.
She used to do the dishes as soon as we finished eating. But now it's not unusual for them to sit on the table for several hours after dinner. I do what I can by diplomatically reminding her several times each evening that they won't clean themselves. I know she really appreciates this, as it does seem to motivate her to get them done before she goes to bed.
Another symptom of aging is complaining, I think. For example she will say that it is difficult for her to find time to pay the monthly bills during her lunch hour. But, boys, we take 'em for better or worse, so I just smile and offer encouragement. I tell her to stretch it out over two or even three days. That way she won't have to rush so much. I also remind her that missing lunch completely now and then wouldn't hurt her any (if you know what I mean). I like to think tact is one of my strong points.
When doing simple jobs, she seems to think she needs more rest periods. She had to take a break when she was only half finished mowing the yard. I try not to make a scene. I'm a fair man. I tell her to fix herself a nice, big, cold glass of freshly squeezed lemonade and just sit for a while. And, as long as she is making one for herself, she may as well make one for me too.
I know that I probably look like a saint in the way I support Debbie. I'm not saying that showing this much consideration is easy. Many men will find it difficult. Some will find it impossible! Nobody knows better than I do how frustrating women get as they get older. However, guys, even if you just use a little more tact and less criticism of your aging wife because of this article, I will consider that writing it was well worthwhile. After all, we are put on this earth to help each other.
Signed,
Bob
EDITOR'S NOTE: Bob died suddenly on May 27th. The police report says that he was found with a Calloway extra long 50 inch Big Bertha Driver II golf club rammed up his ass, with only 2 inches of grip showing. His wife, Debbie, was arrested and charged with murder; however, the all woman jury found her Not Guilty, accepting her defense that he accidentally sat down on it.
Why be scared????
Just before the funeral services, the undertaker came up to the very elderly widow and asked, "How old was your husband?" "98," she replied.
"Two years older than me."
"So you're 96," the undertaker commented. She responded, "Hardly worth going home, is it?"
Reporters interviewing a 104-year-old woman: "And what do you think is the best thing about being 104?" the reporter asked. She simply replied,
"No peer pressure."
The nice thing about being senile is you can hide your own Easter eggs.
I've sure gotten old! I've had two bypass surgeries, a hip replacement, new knees Fought prostate cancer and diabetes. I'm half blind, can't hear anything quieter than a jet engine, take 40 different medications. That make me dizzy, winded, and subject to black outs. Have bouts with dementia. Have poor circulation; hardly feel my hands and feet anymore. Can't remember if I'm 85 or 92. Have lost all my friends. But, thank God, I still have my driver's license.
I feel like my body has gotten totally out of shape, so I got my doctor's permission to join a fitness club and start exercising. I decided to take an aerobics class for seniors. I bent, twisted, gyrated, jumped up and down, and perspired for an hour. But, by the time I got my leotards on the class was over.
An elderly woman decided to prepare her will and told her preacher she had two final requests. First, she wanted to be cremated, and second, she wanted her ashes scattered over Wal-Mart. "Wal-Mart?" the preacher exclaimed. "Why Wal-Mart?" "Then I'll be sure my daughters visit me twice a week."
My memory's not as sharp as it used to be. Also, my memory's not as sharp as it used to be.
Know how to prevent sagging? Just eat till the wrinkles fill out.
It's scary when you start making the same noises as your coffeemaker.
These days about half the stuff in my shopping cart says, "For fast relief."
Remember: You don't stop laughing because you grow old, You grow old
because you stop laughing.
--- THE SENILITY PRAYER : Grant me the senility to forget the people
I never liked anyway, the good fortune to run into the ones I do, and
The eyesight to tell the difference.
Now, I think you're supposed to share this with 5 or 6, maybe 10
others.
Oh heck, give it to a bunch of your friends if you can remember who
They are!
"Two years older than me."
"So you're 96," the undertaker commented. She responded, "Hardly worth going home, is it?"
Reporters interviewing a 104-year-old woman: "And what do you think is the best thing about being 104?" the reporter asked. She simply replied,
"No peer pressure."
The nice thing about being senile is you can hide your own Easter eggs.
I've sure gotten old! I've had two bypass surgeries, a hip replacement, new knees Fought prostate cancer and diabetes. I'm half blind, can't hear anything quieter than a jet engine, take 40 different medications. That make me dizzy, winded, and subject to black outs. Have bouts with dementia. Have poor circulation; hardly feel my hands and feet anymore. Can't remember if I'm 85 or 92. Have lost all my friends. But, thank God, I still have my driver's license.
I feel like my body has gotten totally out of shape, so I got my doctor's permission to join a fitness club and start exercising. I decided to take an aerobics class for seniors. I bent, twisted, gyrated, jumped up and down, and perspired for an hour. But, by the time I got my leotards on the class was over.
An elderly woman decided to prepare her will and told her preacher she had two final requests. First, she wanted to be cremated, and second, she wanted her ashes scattered over Wal-Mart. "Wal-Mart?" the preacher exclaimed. "Why Wal-Mart?" "Then I'll be sure my daughters visit me twice a week."
My memory's not as sharp as it used to be. Also, my memory's not as sharp as it used to be.
Know how to prevent sagging? Just eat till the wrinkles fill out.
It's scary when you start making the same noises as your coffeemaker.
These days about half the stuff in my shopping cart says, "For fast relief."
Remember: You don't stop laughing because you grow old, You grow old
because you stop laughing.
--- THE SENILITY PRAYER : Grant me the senility to forget the people
I never liked anyway, the good fortune to run into the ones I do, and
The eyesight to tell the difference.
Now, I think you're supposed to share this with 5 or 6, maybe 10
others.
Oh heck, give it to a bunch of your friends if you can remember who
They are!
Andy Knight
Fear knocks at the door, knowledge answers and finds nothing.
Fear knocks at the door, knowledge answers and finds nothing.