The dope world was rocked today by the revelation that Dave Stick, three-time former champion of the event, has tested negative for any performance-enhancing or narcotic substance.
"There's no room in our sport for this - he was right to lose his title" said the event director, Alec Cross.
"We first realized something was seriously wrong when we found out that Dave had lied about his whereabouts when he missed 3 routine tests in a row. He told us he was variously at an opium den, an orgy and a back alley - it turned out he was either at the library or at home watching a film."
Whilst Stick was unavailable for comment, condemnation was swift from the sport's governing body.
"The public want to see a bunch of zombified casualties, doped up to their eyeballs on all manner of synthetic substances - not some clean-living Norman. Legitimate competitiors don't go to all the trouble of necking capsules and tablets all day just to have some Henry come in and cheat like this - then lie about it." said chairman Romano Hendrix.
"The majority of us want a dirty sport. We are determined to weed out the good apples."
scandal rocks Performance Enhancing Drugs Tournament
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Pal of Porty
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