Porty - the new St Tropez?

[Bob Jefferson]

From today's Sunday Herald:

I READ some bad news last week about my beloved Barcelona. The continents of Europe and Africa are about to collide. The Mediterranean will disappear and there will be a mountain range where there once was sea. So no more strolls along the promenade, but at least I'll be handy for a spot of hillwalking.

The only good news, according to the United States Geological Survey, is that all this continental shifting will take place over 50 million years. Of more immediate concern is the warning from the EU that, if energy consumption continues at present levels, southern Europe will become arid, drought-ridden and unbearably hot. The upside is that northern Europe will get warmer.

It appears that I may have to move from Barcelona to Saltcoats. Instead of tapas on Las Ramblas, it will be a fish tea with bread and butter and watching the drunk men roll in the gutter (as Billy Connolly described life in this Ayrshire resort).

At least, an escape to Saltcoats was the plan until my friendly neighbourhood oceanographer told me that the Gulf Stream is nearly kaput. And, as you know, it's the Gulf Stream that keeps Saltcoats so tropical. Apparently North Sea and Baltic resorts will offer the most amenable climates. Go east, old man. Portobello will be the St Tropez of the new century. You can park your yacht at Granton, which will be the new Cannes.

VisitScotland is less than kind to Portobello. The tourist board website warns that Porty's heyday as a destination is long gone and "a packed beach is hard to imagine when the haar rolls in from the North Sea and the sole beachgoer is a lonely dog-walker".

I visited Portobello once, last century. The beach was lovely but somewhat spoiled by the human excrement bobbing in the waves and the dog turds on the sand. Apparently that has mostly changed. In Porty you will still find Big Things on the Beach but it is a public arts organisation aimed at brightening the place up.

Edinburgh City Council has, stored somewhere in its planning archives, an ambitious plan to create a 10-mile boardwalk all the way from Cramond to Joppa. In nouveau Portobello, you can be with your baby under the boardwalk down by the sea. You won't need the blanket because it will be lovely and warm.

Planners say it will be a bit like Atlantic City in New Jersey but without the casinos and Tony Soprano. Ice cream will feature since Portobello is where a caf owner stuck a Cadbury's flake into a pokey hat and invented the 99.

The boardwalk plan will presumably come to fruition when all those refugees make their way from the Mediterranean to the Firth of Forth. Porty will make them more than welcome since, I am told, the place is full of nice pubs and nicer people.

I'll miss Barcelona (and Saltcoats) but I can imagine sunning myself on Porty's version of Le Creuset. Or is it La Croisette? I can never remember which is the posh street and which is the frying pan.

[tom nimmo]

Portobello could easily be the new Malibu. All we need to do is convince David Beckham to sign for Porty Thistle and the beautiful people will flock to oor wee toon. Victoria could spend many happy hours trawling through the numerous charity shops and, of course, there is now the allure of Klaze for all her fashion needs. If they then have a new child they could continue the Beckham tradition of naming him/her after his/her place of conception. Daisy Park Beckham actually has quite a nice ring to it, don't you think. If it's a boy though he might not be too pleased.

[Porty]

It appears that I may have to move from Barcelona to Saltcoats. Instead of tapas on Las Ramblas, it will be a fish tea with bread and butter and watching the drunk men roll in the gutter (as Billy Connolly described life in this Ayrshire resort).

PoP and mrs PoP have been enjoying muchas tapas en barcelona since miercoles much to my envy.

[bearcub]

Daisy Park Beckham

[Izzie]

Daisy Park Beckham

If a boy it could be named Porty Beckham

[SoupDragon]

Figgate Beckham has a ring to it.


Looking at where some members of the community choose as their mating spots P1 teachers should look out for kids named Bus Shelter, Behind The Groynes, Prom Lavvie and On the Beach ( with appreciation thread as a wee Brother?)