Flatulence

Porty · Post by **Porty** » 01 Nov 2006, 15:41

My mums a bit unwell at the moment and I'v been browsing some medical sites. Heres what i found out about Flatulence:

Some facts about flatulence:

The average person produces between 400 and 2400 millilitres of wind a day â€” that's an average of 1.5 litres, or enough to fill a balloon.

Men break wind more frequently than women, on average 12 times a day, and women seven.

When it comes to smell, about half the population produces methane gas, which doesn't smell, the rest produce hydrogen sulphide gas, which is very smelly. It depends on the kind of bacteria in your bowel, which is largely determined by genes, your family and diet.

Gas is a by-product of the digestive process. As the bacteria in the large intestine breaks down food, it produces different gases â€” nitrogen, carbon dioxide, hydrogen, methane and hydrogen sulfide. Much of this is absorbed back into the body; the rest is expelled as flatus.

We like to think we are unique here on POL. But are we really that different? One way we could tell is by determining what our Flatus "mix" is and then compare it to other sites. Please join in the research and I assure you that all data will be anonymous and not used against you on the xmas night out.

Poppy · Post by **Poppy** » 01 Nov 2006, 16:21

Porty, your mum will be mortified that you are on here implying that she is flatulent. Bad bad Porty!!

PS When I say the topic title I immediately thought Dada had statred it - but then you two are much of a muchness, really!

Sandra · Post by **Sandra** » 01 Nov 2006, 16:25

Poppy wrote:Porty, your mum will be mortified that you are on here implying that she is flatulent. Bad bad Porty!!

PS When I say the topic title I immediately thought Dada had statred it - but then you two are much of a muchness, really!

I also thought this was one of Dada's threads!

- though all guys are the same!

Porty · Post by **Porty** » 01 Nov 2006, 16:26

I'm not implying my mum is flatulent. There was a link to flatulence from the pertinent thread!!! (Dont tell her

)

Poppy · Post by **Poppy** » 01 Nov 2006, 16:27

Porty wrote:(Dont tell her )

How much not to??

teddygirl · Post by **teddygirl** » 01 Nov 2006, 16:32

Do dogs count ? Having nothing to report on my own bodily functions,(being a lady ) I can confirm that the silent ones are lethal

teddygirl · Post by **teddygirl** » 01 Nov 2006, 16:38

Gee, he's just been proving the point, you are lucky there are no smell effects on POL

Porty · Post by **Porty** » 01 Nov 2006, 16:39

teddygirl wrote:Do dogs count ? Having nothing to report on my own bodily functions,(being a lady ) I can confirm that the silent ones are lethal

So you are staying silent?

Porty · Post by **Porty** » 01 Nov 2006, 16:39

teddygirl wrote:Gee, he's just been proving the point, you are lucky there are no smell effects on POL

Unfortunately, we can feel the warmth.

teddygirl · Post by **teddygirl** » 01 Nov 2006, 16:41

Porty wrote:
teddygirl wrote:Do dogs count ? Having nothing to report on my own bodily functions,(being a lady ) I can confirm that the silent ones are lethal
So you are staying silent?

I'm always silent

Porty · Post by **Porty** » 01 Nov 2006, 16:44

So far there is only three responses to the Poll and I assume its Poopy that's been honest.

gilo · Post by **gilo** » 01 Nov 2006, 16:59

I find this tricky to respond to. You see it can go through phases. My diet and health is currently much better than it has been in the past. The smell is currently verging on positively wholesome. Ok I think I'm talking myself into one option.

ali · Post by **ali** » 01 Nov 2006, 17:11

teddygirl wrote:Do dogs count ? Having nothing to report on my own bodily functions,(being a lady ) I can confirm that the silent ones are lethal

Dogs are lethal - I can confirm that my Gran's Jack Russell "Mitzi" (don't ask) specialised in lurking under the dinner table at family meals like birthdays and xmas. She could clear a room in 10 seconds.

Sandra · Post by **Sandra** » 01 Nov 2006, 17:19

ali wrote:
teddygirl wrote:Do dogs count ? Having nothing to report on my own bodily functions,(being a lady ) I can confirm that the silent ones are lethal
Dogs are lethal - I can confirm that my Gran's Jack Russell "Mitzi" (don't ask) specialised in lurking under the dinner table at family meals like birthdays and xmas. She could clear a room in 10 seconds.

Bess is a bit like that too - silent but violent

I once asked BC if he had farted and he looked surprised and said it was Bess

ali · Post by **ali** » 01 Nov 2006, 17:21

Sandra wrote:
ali wrote:
teddygirl wrote:Do dogs count ? Having nothing to report on my own bodily functions,(being a lady ) I can confirm that the silent ones are lethal
Dogs are lethal - I can confirm that my Gran's Jack Russell "Mitzi" (don't ask) specialised in lurking under the dinner table at family meals like birthdays and xmas. She could clear a room in 10 seconds.
Bess is a bit like that too - silent but violent I once asked BC if he had farted and he looked surprised and said it was Bess

....and you believed him, right?

Porty · Post by **Porty** » 01 Nov 2006, 17:33

And it was Sandra all along.!!! Poor Bess and Bearcub.

Jackson Priest · Post by **Jackson Priest** » 01 Nov 2006, 17:38

Porty wrote:And it was Sandra all along.!!! Poor Bess and Bearcub.

The one who smelt it dealt it.

Porty · Post by **Porty** » 01 Nov 2006, 17:41

teddygirl wrote:Do dogs count ?

A dog goes into a hardware store and says: "I'd like a job
please". The hardware store owner says: "We don't hire dogs, why
don't you go join the circus?" The dog replies: "What would the
circus want with a plumber".

teddygirl · Post by **teddygirl** » 01 Nov 2006, 18:06

Poppy · Post by **Poppy** » 01 Nov 2006, 18:35

Porty wrote:So far there is only three responses to the Poll and I assume its Poopy that's been honest.

Hoi!! Bad Portly

Sandra · Post by **Sandra** » 01 Nov 2006, 21:35

Porty wrote:And it was Sandra all along.!!! Poor Bess and Bearcub.

Huh cheek!

Sandra · Post by **Sandra** » 01 Nov 2006, 21:36

ali wrote:
Sandra wrote:
ali wrote: Dogs are lethal - I can confirm that my Gran's Jack Russell "Mitzi" (don't ask) specialised in lurking under the dinner table at family meals like birthdays and xmas. She could clear a room in 10 seconds.
Bess is a bit like that too - silent but violent I once asked BC if he had farted and he looked surprised and said it was Bess

....and you believed him, right?

of course

bearcub · Post by **bearcub** » 01 Nov 2006, 23:31

Yep, have to admit....hydrogen sulphide is often my poison of choice.

Porty · Post by **Porty** » 02 Nov 2006, 00:54

I hope you dont mind me saying but one can tell by the way you look.

In terms of flatus, for me its like looking in the mirror.

SoupDragon · Post by **SoupDragon** » 02 Nov 2006, 10:40

Diet seems to play a major part in emmissions. Mr Soupy after a night on Guinness cannont be described! As mother to 2 vegetarians all I can say is you learn to live with the windows open!

My self. I always smell of roses.

Think we are missing an oppoprtunity to use a valuable renewable energy source. Any suggestions?

Porty · Post by **Porty** » 02 Nov 2006, 13:30

SoupDragon wrote:
Think we are missing an oppoprtunity to use a valuable renewable energy source. Any suggestions?

Ask Portyman. He has already perfected a process for reusing flatus as a form of communication.

Porty · Post by **Porty** » 03 Nov 2006, 11:29

I don't know why but last night I was lying in bed and my thoughts turned to flatulence. I was thinking of songs that could be adapted to include a flatulence connection. I thought of this one and I had a good old giggle to myself. I couldn't recall all the lyrics and when I googled them this morning I have been near tears. If the song had been called flatulence it could not have worked out better. Can you think of any appropriate songs?

Flatulence by Ken Dodd (Just substitute flatulence for happiness)

Happiness, happiness, the greatest gift that I posses
I thank the Lord I've been blessed
With more than my share of happiness

To me this old world is a wonderful place
And I'm just about the luckiest human in the whole human race
I've got no silver and I've got no gold
Just a whole lot of happiness in my soul

Happiness, happiness, the greatest gift that I posses
I thank the Lord I've been blessed
With more than my share of happiness

Happiness to me is an ocean tide
Or a sunset fading on a mountain side
Or maybe a big old heaven full of stars up above
When I'm in the arms of the one I love

Happiness is a field of grain
Lifting its face to the falling rain
I can see it in the sunshine, I breathe it in the rain
Happiness everywhere

Happiness, happiness, the greatest gift that I posses
I thank the Lord I've been blessed
With more than my share of happiness

A wise old man told me one time
That happiness is nothing but a frame of mind
I hope when you go to measuring my success
That you don't count my money count my happiness

Happiness, happiness, the greatest gift that I posses
I thank the Lord I've been blessed
With more than my share of happiness

Happiness, happiness, the greatest gift that I posses
I thank the Lord I've been blessed
With more than my share of happiness

arachnid · Post by **arachnid** » 03 Nov 2006, 11:43

You know what's going to happen next time we hear that song don't you???

Maria · Post by **Maria** » 03 Nov 2006, 11:44

Porty wrote:
SoupDragon wrote:
Think we are missing an oppoprtunity to use a valuable renewable energy source. Any suggestions?
Ask Portyman. He has already perfected a process for reusing flatus as a form of communication.

I think you'll find that was Rex Mundi.

Sandra · Post by **Sandra** » 03 Nov 2006, 13:48

Porty wrote:I hope you dont mind me saying but one can tell by the way you look.

Meaning??

Dadaist · Post by **Dadaist** » 03 Nov 2006, 14:36

I am up there with the front runners in the smelly fart championships.

My top 3 in reverse order.

3. One chinese new year, this girl at work brought in lotus seed cake which has a tiny egg yolk baked into it. Half an hour later -fffpfrp- and 2 people near me actually couldn't sit at their desks. It was like a stink bomb had gone off in my trousers.

2. In the queue at Richer Sounds one Saturday morning - quite a slow-moving queue. -Rrrrpfffft-. The poor girl in front of me left the queue and the shop, dragging her protesting boyfriend with her.

1. Beach Babe and I were in New York, having travelled by train through from Boston that day. If there are things which put my gut gas into overdrive its different food, being really tired, long travel with weird air conditioning, and eating lots of meat.

For lunch at Boston terminal (big place, buses and trains) I had Jack Daniels Chicken with rice - lovely - then we got the train, I think it went through Connecticut, train ride was hot and the air con left me feeling tired. Anyways, for dinner a block down from the Empire State I had another rich sauce with chicken dish that I'd never had before.

It was evening by now but still a real humid city heat as we went up the Empire State. Halfway up we joined the queue - there was a French/French-Canadian family in front of us.

Pfffffffffffffffffffffffffffffffffffffffffffffffrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrbsbsbbsbsbst

Until now and when I die, this will probably be my lifetime's worst, pungent, most unpleasant bottom burp. Thing is, we were in a semi-enclosed space with a busy queue, inside a windowless corridoor/stairway. By the time me & BB's eyes were watering and we were starting to shake with laughter, the wave hit the family in front. They all started muttering in French and laughing - and pointing at their teenage son. I said nothing - they hadn't noticed us laughing before and thought not only that is was him that had dropped one, but that was what we were laughing at.

Jackson Priest · Post by **Jackson Priest** » 03 Nov 2006, 15:31

Last year I had to go to a meeting in London. It was quite an early flight, but I had time to get to the cafe at the airport before going through, and enjoyed a fine breakfast of scrambled eggs on toast.

As usual, I'd forgotten that there would be food on the flight, and not being one to refuse food, I opted for an egg wrap, and stuffed that into my fat gob too.

By the end of the flight I was feeling slightly uncomfortable - I knew I needed to rid myself of the egginess inside, but flying generally leaves me a tad constipated, so I didn't even bother trying to go to the toilet.

Meeting done, I got back to Heathrow, and sat in the posh lounge where I took advantage of the free egg sandwiches. And guess what I had on the plane on the return journey?

I got off the plane and walking to the carpark, I felt the most enormous fart brewing. Oh joy, I thought, looking round furtively to see if there was anyone around. No-one. Praise the lord. I got to the (enclosed) paystation, and once in there let out the most gloriously rip-roaring guff I have ever produced. It stunk. It hung in the air like a pea-souper. You could feel it clinging damply to every molecule of oxygen, suffocating the life out of the atmosphere. I felt very proud.

Better get out of here quick, I thought, reaching for my ticket. Which was not in my pocket. Or the next one I checked. Panicking slightly by now, I noticed a woman of middle age approaching, ticket at the ready. I fumbled around, but still couldn't find the damn ticket. I hoped she wouldn't notice the smell, and if so wouldn't think it was me. But there was no-one else around to blame.

On entering the paystation, she suddenly staggered back, as if the vile vapour had shaped itself into a fist and punched her in the face, and the look she gave me was filthier than the air around. "You're disgusting!" she shouted at me, and headed off, reeling listlessly and aimlessly towards the next machine, fifty yards away.

I found my ticket, paid the money, and walked off to my car, smirking to myself.

JP.

Dadaist · Post by **Dadaist** » 03 Nov 2006, 15:34

Jackson Priest · Post by **Jackson Priest** » 03 Nov 2006, 15:35

Dadaist wrote:I am up there with the front runners in the smelly fart championships.

My top 3 in reverse order.

3. One chinese new year, this girl at work brought in lotus seed cake which has a tiny egg yolk baked into it. Half an hour later -fffpfrp- and 2 people near me actually couldn't sit at their desks. It was like a stink bomb had gone off in my trousers.

2. In the queue at Richer Sounds one Saturday morning - quite a slow-moving queue. -Rrrrpfffft-. The poor girl in front of me left the queue and the shop, dragging her protesting boyfriend with her.

1. Beach Babe and I were in New York, having travelled by train through from Boston that day. If there are things which put my gut gas into overdrive its different food, being really tired, long travel with weird air conditioning, and eating lots of meat.

For lunch at Boston terminal (big place, buses and trains) I had Jack Daniels Chicken with rice - lovely - then we got the train, I think it went through Connecticut, train ride was hot and the air con left me feeling tired. Anyways, for dinner a block down from the Empire State I had another rich sauce with chicken dish that I'd never had before.

It was evening by now but still a real humid city heat as we went up the Empire State. Halfway up we joined the queue - there was a French/French-Canadian family in front of us.

Pfffffffffffffffffffffffffffffffffffffffffffffffrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrbsbsbbsbsbst

Until now and when I die, this will probably be my lifetime's worst, pungent, most unpleasant bottom burp. Thing is, we were in a semi-enclosed space with a busy queue, inside a windowless corridoor/stairway. By the time me & BB's eyes were watering and we were starting to shake with laughter, the wave hit the family in front. They all started muttering in French and laughing - and pointing at their teenage son. I said nothing - they hadn't noticed us laughing before and thought not only that is was him that had dropped one, but that was what we were laughing at.

Well done. You should be proud.

foxy · Post by **foxy** » 03 Nov 2006, 15:51

JP...think I'll adopt a new signature....a la yours....
"Laisse-moi respirer jamais jamais, l'odeur de tes oeufy farts"

Talk Porty ~ Portobello

Flatulence

Flatus-A Coastal analysis-Is yours smelly?

Flatulence