Now, that is good!
Only Good Jokes Here!
-
mr magnolia
- Posts: 972
- Joined: 11 Jul 2004, 22:07
- Location: close to the edge
- Contact:
This made us laugh - a couple of profanities included though - apologies!:oops:
http://godsavemyqueen.com/2004/11/birmi ... -from.html
http://godsavemyqueen.com/2004/11/birmi ... -from.html
Subject: The wisdom of a female
A married couple in their early 60s were out celebrating their 35th wedding anniversary in a quiet, romantic little restaurant. Suddenly, a tiny yet beautiful fairy appeared on their table and said, "For being such an exemplary married couple and for being faithful to each other for all this time, I will grant you each a wish."
"Ooh, I want to travel around the world with my darling husband" said the wife.
The fairy moved her magic stick and - abracadabra! - two tickets for the new QM2 luxury liner appeared in her hands.
Now it was the husbands turn. He thought for a moment and said: "Well this is all very romantic, but an opportunity like this only occurs once in a lifetime, so, I'm sorry my love, but my wish is to have a wife 30 years younger than I am. "
The wife, and the fairy, were deeply disappointed, but a wish is a wish... So the fairy made a circle with her magic stick and -abracadabra! - the husband became 92 years old.
The moral of this story.....
Men might be ungrateful idiots....
But fairies are......female
A married couple in their early 60s were out celebrating their 35th wedding anniversary in a quiet, romantic little restaurant. Suddenly, a tiny yet beautiful fairy appeared on their table and said, "For being such an exemplary married couple and for being faithful to each other for all this time, I will grant you each a wish."
"Ooh, I want to travel around the world with my darling husband" said the wife.
The fairy moved her magic stick and - abracadabra! - two tickets for the new QM2 luxury liner appeared in her hands.
Now it was the husbands turn. He thought for a moment and said: "Well this is all very romantic, but an opportunity like this only occurs once in a lifetime, so, I'm sorry my love, but my wish is to have a wife 30 years younger than I am. "
The wife, and the fairy, were deeply disappointed, but a wish is a wish... So the fairy made a circle with her magic stick and -abracadabra! - the husband became 92 years old.
The moral of this story.....
Men might be ungrateful idiots....
But fairies are......female
Father O'Grady was saying his goodbyes to the parishioners after his Sunday morning service as he always does when Mary Clancey came up to him in tears.
"What's bothering you so, dear?" inquired Farther O'Grady.
"Oh, father, I've got terrible news." Replied Mary.
"Well what is it, Mary?"
"Well, my husband, passed away last night, Father."
"Oh, Mary" said the father, "that's terrible. Tell me Mary, did he have any last requests?"
"Well, yes he did father," replied Mary.
"What did he ask, Mary?"
Mary replied, "He said, 'Please, Mary, put down the gun...'"
"What's bothering you so, dear?" inquired Farther O'Grady.
"Oh, father, I've got terrible news." Replied Mary.
"Well what is it, Mary?"
"Well, my husband, passed away last night, Father."
"Oh, Mary" said the father, "that's terrible. Tell me Mary, did he have any last requests?"
"Well, yes he did father," replied Mary.
"What did he ask, Mary?"
Mary replied, "He said, 'Please, Mary, put down the gun...'"
If Trafalgar happened today
"Order the signal, Hardy."
"Aye, aye sir."
"Hold on, that's not what I dictated to the signal officer. What's the meaning of this?"
"Sorry sir?"
"England expects every person to do his duty, regardless of race, gender, sexual orientation, religious persuasion or disability. What gobbledygook is this?"
"Admiralty policy, I'm afraid, sir. We're an equal opportunities employer now. We had the devil's own job getting 'England' past the censors, lest it be considered racist."
"Gadzooks, Hardy. Hand me my pipe and tobacco."
"Sorry sir. All naval vessels have been designated smoke-free working environments."
"In that case, break open the rum ration. Let us splice the mainbrace to steel the men before battle."
"The rum ration has been abolished, Admiral. Its part of the Government's policy on binge drinking."
"Good heavens, Hardy. I suppose we'd better get on with it. Full speed ahead."
"I think you'll find that there's a 4 knot speed limit in this stretch of water."
"Damn it man! We are on the eve of the greatest sea battle in history. We must advance with all dispatch. Report from the crow's nest, please."
"That won't be possible, sir."
"What?"
"Health and safety have closed the crow's nest, sir. No harness. And they said that rope ladder doesn't meet regulations. They won't let anyone up there until a proper scaffolding can be erected."
"Then get me the ship's carpenter without delay, Hardy."
"He's busy knocking up a wheelchair access to the fo'c'sle Admiral."
"Wheelchair access? I've never heard anything so absurd."
"Health and safety again, sir. We have to provide a barrier-free environment for the differently abled."
"Differently abled? I've only one arm and one eye and I refuse even to hear mention of the word. I didn't rise to the rank of admiral by playing the disability card."
"Actually, sir, you did. The Royal Navy is under-represented in the areas of visual impairment and limb deficiency."
"Whatever next? Give me full sail. The salt spray beckons."
"A couple of problems there too, sir. Health and safety won't let the crew up the rigging without crash helmets. And they don't want anyone breathing in too much salt - haven't you seen the adverts?"
"I've never heard such infamy. Break out the cannon and tell the men to stand by to engage the enemy."
"The men are a bit worried about shooting at anyone, Admiral."
"What? This is mutiny."
"It's not that, sir. It's just that they're afraid of being charged with murder if they actually kill any one. There's a couple of legal aid lawyers on board, watching everyone like hawks."
"Then how are we to sink the French and the Spanish?"
"Actually, sir, we're not."
"We're not?"
"No, sir. The French and the Spanish are our European partners now. According to the Common Fisheries Policy, we shouldn't even be in this stretch of water. We could get hit with a claim for compensation.
Now put on your Kevlar vest; it's the rules."
"Don't tell me - health and safety Whatever happened to rum, sodomy and the lash?"
"As I explained, sir, rum is off the menu. And there's a ban on corporal punishment."
"What about sodomy? "
"I believe it's to be encouraged, sir"
"In that case, kiss me, Hardy."
"Order the signal, Hardy."
"Aye, aye sir."
"Hold on, that's not what I dictated to the signal officer. What's the meaning of this?"
"Sorry sir?"
"England expects every person to do his duty, regardless of race, gender, sexual orientation, religious persuasion or disability. What gobbledygook is this?"
"Admiralty policy, I'm afraid, sir. We're an equal opportunities employer now. We had the devil's own job getting 'England' past the censors, lest it be considered racist."
"Gadzooks, Hardy. Hand me my pipe and tobacco."
"Sorry sir. All naval vessels have been designated smoke-free working environments."
"In that case, break open the rum ration. Let us splice the mainbrace to steel the men before battle."
"The rum ration has been abolished, Admiral. Its part of the Government's policy on binge drinking."
"Good heavens, Hardy. I suppose we'd better get on with it. Full speed ahead."
"I think you'll find that there's a 4 knot speed limit in this stretch of water."
"Damn it man! We are on the eve of the greatest sea battle in history. We must advance with all dispatch. Report from the crow's nest, please."
"That won't be possible, sir."
"What?"
"Health and safety have closed the crow's nest, sir. No harness. And they said that rope ladder doesn't meet regulations. They won't let anyone up there until a proper scaffolding can be erected."
"Then get me the ship's carpenter without delay, Hardy."
"He's busy knocking up a wheelchair access to the fo'c'sle Admiral."
"Wheelchair access? I've never heard anything so absurd."
"Health and safety again, sir. We have to provide a barrier-free environment for the differently abled."
"Differently abled? I've only one arm and one eye and I refuse even to hear mention of the word. I didn't rise to the rank of admiral by playing the disability card."
"Actually, sir, you did. The Royal Navy is under-represented in the areas of visual impairment and limb deficiency."
"Whatever next? Give me full sail. The salt spray beckons."
"A couple of problems there too, sir. Health and safety won't let the crew up the rigging without crash helmets. And they don't want anyone breathing in too much salt - haven't you seen the adverts?"
"I've never heard such infamy. Break out the cannon and tell the men to stand by to engage the enemy."
"The men are a bit worried about shooting at anyone, Admiral."
"What? This is mutiny."
"It's not that, sir. It's just that they're afraid of being charged with murder if they actually kill any one. There's a couple of legal aid lawyers on board, watching everyone like hawks."
"Then how are we to sink the French and the Spanish?"
"Actually, sir, we're not."
"We're not?"
"No, sir. The French and the Spanish are our European partners now. According to the Common Fisheries Policy, we shouldn't even be in this stretch of water. We could get hit with a claim for compensation.
Now put on your Kevlar vest; it's the rules."
"Don't tell me - health and safety Whatever happened to rum, sodomy and the lash?"
"As I explained, sir, rum is off the menu. And there's a ban on corporal punishment."
"What about sodomy? "
"I believe it's to be encouraged, sir"
"In that case, kiss me, Hardy."
Jay
'Jay - a noisy chattering European bird of brilliant plumage' OED
'Jay - a noisy chattering European bird of brilliant plumage' OED
C**p - but hey!
Give The Frog A Loan
A frog goes into a bank and approaches the teller. He can see from her
nameplate that her name is Patricia Whack.
"Miss Whack, I'd like to get a $30,000 loan to take a holiday."
Patty looks at the frog in disbelief and asks his name. The frog says
his
name is Kermit Jagger, his dad is Mick Jagger, and that it's okay, he
knows
the bank manager.
Patty explains that he will need to secure the loan with some
collateral.
The frog says, "Sure. I have this," and produces a tiny porcelain
elephant,
about an inch tall, bright pink and perfectly formed.
Very confused, Patty explains that she'll have to consult with the
bank
manager and disappears into a back office.
She finds the manager and says, "There's a frog called Kermit Jagger
out
there who claims to know you and wants to borrow $30,000, and he wants
to
use this as collateral."
She holds up the tiny pink elephant. "I mean, what in the world is
this?"
(you're gonna love this)
(its a real treat)
(a masterpiece)
(wait for it)
The bank manager looks back at her and says...
"It's a knickknack, Patty Whack. Give the frog a loan. His old man's a
Rolling Stone."
Give The Frog A Loan
A frog goes into a bank and approaches the teller. He can see from her
nameplate that her name is Patricia Whack.
"Miss Whack, I'd like to get a $30,000 loan to take a holiday."
Patty looks at the frog in disbelief and asks his name. The frog says
his
name is Kermit Jagger, his dad is Mick Jagger, and that it's okay, he
knows
the bank manager.
Patty explains that he will need to secure the loan with some
collateral.
The frog says, "Sure. I have this," and produces a tiny porcelain
elephant,
about an inch tall, bright pink and perfectly formed.
Very confused, Patty explains that she'll have to consult with the
bank
manager and disappears into a back office.
She finds the manager and says, "There's a frog called Kermit Jagger
out
there who claims to know you and wants to borrow $30,000, and he wants
to
use this as collateral."
She holds up the tiny pink elephant. "I mean, what in the world is
this?"
(you're gonna love this)
(its a real treat)
(a masterpiece)
(wait for it)
The bank manager looks back at her and says...
"It's a knickknack, Patty Whack. Give the frog a loan. His old man's a
Rolling Stone."
This is an article submitted to a 1999 Louisville Sentinel contest to
find out who had the wildest Christmas dinner. This won first prize.
CHRISTMAS WITH LOUISE:
As a joke, my brother used to hang a pair of panty hose over his fire
place before Christmas. He said all he wanted was for Santa to fill
them.
What they say about Santa checking the list twice must be true because
every Christmas morning, although Jay's kids' stockings were overflowed,
his poor pantyhose hung sadly empty.
One year I decided to make his dream come true. I put on sun glasses
and went in search of an inflatable love doll. They don't sell those
things at Wal-Mart. I had to go to an adult bookstore downtown. If
you've never been in an X-rated store, don't go. You'll only confuse
yourself.
I was there an hour saying things like, "What does this do?", "You're
kidding me!", "Who would buy that?" Finally, I made it to the inflatable
doll section. I wanted to buy a standard, uncomplicated doll that could
also substitute as a passenger in my truck so I could use the car pool
lane during rush hour.
Finding what I wanted was difficult. Love dolls come in many different
models. The top of the line, according to the side of the box, could do
things I'd only seen in a book on animal husbandry. I settled for
"Lovable Louise." She was at the bottom of the price scale.
To call Louise a "doll" took a huge leap of imagination. On Christmas
Eve, with the help of an old bicycle pump, Louise came to life. My
sister-in-law was in on the plan and let me in during the wee morning
hours, long after Santa had come and gone, I filled the dangling
pantyhose with Louise's pliant legs and bottom. I also ate some cookies
and drank what remained of a glass of milk on a nearby tray. I went
home and giggled for a couple of hours.
The next morning my brother called to say that Santa had been to his
house and left a present that had made him VERY happy but had left the
dog confused. She would bark, start to walk away, then come back and
bark some more. We all agreed that Louise should remain in her panty
hose so the rest of the family could admire her when they came over for
the traditional Christmas dinner.
My grandmother noticed Louise the moment she walked in the door. "What
the hell is that?" she asked. My brother quickly explained, "It's a
doll." "Who would play with something like that?" Granny snapped. I had
several candidates in mind, but kept my mouth shut.
"Where are her clothes?", Granny continued. "Boy, that turkey sure
smells nice, Gran," Jay said, trying to steer her into the dining room.
But Granny was relentless. "Why doesn't she have any teeth?" Again, I
could have answered, but why would I? It was Christmas and no one
wanted to ride in the back of the ambulance saying, "Hang on Granny,
Hang on!"
My grandfather, a delightful old man with poor eyesight, sidled up to me
and said, " Hey, who's the naked gal by the fireplace?" I told him she
was Jay's friend. A few minutes later I noticed Grandpa by the mantel,
talking to Louise. Not just talking, but actually flirting. It was then
that we realized this might be Grandpa's last Christmas at home.
The dinner went well. We made the usual small talk about who had died,
who was dying, and who should be killed, when suddenly Louise made a
noise that sounded a lot like my father in the bathroom in the morning.
Then she lurched from the panty hose, flew around the room twice, and
fell in a heap in front of the sofa. The cat screamed. I passed
cranberry sauce through my nose, and Grandpa ran across the room, fell
to his knees, and began administering mouth to mouth resuscitation. My
brother fell back over his chair and wet his pants and Granny threw down
her napkin, stomped out of the room, and sat in the car.
It was indeed a Christmas to treasure and remember.
Later in my brother's garage, we conducted a thorough examination to
decide the cause of Louise's collapse. We discovered that Louise had
suffered from a hot ember to the back of her right thigh. Fortunately,
thanks to a wonder drug called duct tape, we restored her to perfect
health. Louise went on to star in several bachelor party movies. I
think Grandpa still calls her whenever he can get out of the house.
find out who had the wildest Christmas dinner. This won first prize.
CHRISTMAS WITH LOUISE:
As a joke, my brother used to hang a pair of panty hose over his fire
place before Christmas. He said all he wanted was for Santa to fill
them.
What they say about Santa checking the list twice must be true because
every Christmas morning, although Jay's kids' stockings were overflowed,
his poor pantyhose hung sadly empty.
One year I decided to make his dream come true. I put on sun glasses
and went in search of an inflatable love doll. They don't sell those
things at Wal-Mart. I had to go to an adult bookstore downtown. If
you've never been in an X-rated store, don't go. You'll only confuse
yourself.
I was there an hour saying things like, "What does this do?", "You're
kidding me!", "Who would buy that?" Finally, I made it to the inflatable
doll section. I wanted to buy a standard, uncomplicated doll that could
also substitute as a passenger in my truck so I could use the car pool
lane during rush hour.
Finding what I wanted was difficult. Love dolls come in many different
models. The top of the line, according to the side of the box, could do
things I'd only seen in a book on animal husbandry. I settled for
"Lovable Louise." She was at the bottom of the price scale.
To call Louise a "doll" took a huge leap of imagination. On Christmas
Eve, with the help of an old bicycle pump, Louise came to life. My
sister-in-law was in on the plan and let me in during the wee morning
hours, long after Santa had come and gone, I filled the dangling
pantyhose with Louise's pliant legs and bottom. I also ate some cookies
and drank what remained of a glass of milk on a nearby tray. I went
home and giggled for a couple of hours.
The next morning my brother called to say that Santa had been to his
house and left a present that had made him VERY happy but had left the
dog confused. She would bark, start to walk away, then come back and
bark some more. We all agreed that Louise should remain in her panty
hose so the rest of the family could admire her when they came over for
the traditional Christmas dinner.
My grandmother noticed Louise the moment she walked in the door. "What
the hell is that?" she asked. My brother quickly explained, "It's a
doll." "Who would play with something like that?" Granny snapped. I had
several candidates in mind, but kept my mouth shut.
"Where are her clothes?", Granny continued. "Boy, that turkey sure
smells nice, Gran," Jay said, trying to steer her into the dining room.
But Granny was relentless. "Why doesn't she have any teeth?" Again, I
could have answered, but why would I? It was Christmas and no one
wanted to ride in the back of the ambulance saying, "Hang on Granny,
Hang on!"
My grandfather, a delightful old man with poor eyesight, sidled up to me
and said, " Hey, who's the naked gal by the fireplace?" I told him she
was Jay's friend. A few minutes later I noticed Grandpa by the mantel,
talking to Louise. Not just talking, but actually flirting. It was then
that we realized this might be Grandpa's last Christmas at home.
The dinner went well. We made the usual small talk about who had died,
who was dying, and who should be killed, when suddenly Louise made a
noise that sounded a lot like my father in the bathroom in the morning.
Then she lurched from the panty hose, flew around the room twice, and
fell in a heap in front of the sofa. The cat screamed. I passed
cranberry sauce through my nose, and Grandpa ran across the room, fell
to his knees, and began administering mouth to mouth resuscitation. My
brother fell back over his chair and wet his pants and Granny threw down
her napkin, stomped out of the room, and sat in the car.
It was indeed a Christmas to treasure and remember.
Later in my brother's garage, we conducted a thorough examination to
decide the cause of Louise's collapse. We discovered that Louise had
suffered from a hot ember to the back of her right thigh. Fortunately,
thanks to a wonder drug called duct tape, we restored her to perfect
health. Louise went on to star in several bachelor party movies. I
think Grandpa still calls her whenever he can get out of the house.
I need a laugh right now so here's a cut and paste from another forum I visit;
After every flight, pilots fill out a form called a gripe sheet, which
conveys to the mechanics problems encountered with the aircraft during
the
flight that need repair or correction. The mechanics read and correct
the
problem, and then respond in writing on the lower half of the form what
remedial action was taken and the pilot reviews the gripe sheets before
the
next flight. Never let it be said that ground crews and engineers lack
a
sense of humor. Here are some actual logged maintenance complaints and
problems as submitted by Qantas pilots and the solution recorded by
maintenance engineers. By the way, Qantas is the only major airline
that has
never had an accident.
(P = The problem logged by the pilot.)
(S = The solution and action taken by the engineers.)
P: Left inside main tyre almost needs replacement.
S: Almost replaced left inside main tyre.
P: Test flight OK, except auto-land very rough.
S: Auto-land not installed on this aircraft.
P: Something loose in cockpit.
S: Something tightened in cockpit.
P: Dead bugs on windshield.
S: Live bugs on back-order.
P: Autopilot in altitude-hold mode produces a 200 feet per minute
descent.
S: Cannot reproduce problem on ground.
P: Evidence of leak on right main landing gear.
S: Evidence removed.
P: DME volume unbelievably loud.
S: DME volume set to more believable level.
P: Friction locks cause throttle levers to stick.
S: That's what they're there for.
P: IFF inoperative.
S: IFF always inoperative in OFF mode.
P: Suspected crack in windshield.
S: Suspect you're right.
P: Number 3 engine missing.
S: Engine found on right wing after brief search.
P: Aircraft handles funny.
S: Aircraft warned to straighten up, fly right, and be serious.
P: Target radar hums.
S: Reprogrammed target radar with lyrics.
P: Mouse in cockpit.
S: Cat installed.
P: Noise coming from under instrument panel. Sounds like a midget
pounding
on something with a hammer.
S: Took hammer away from midget.
After every flight, pilots fill out a form called a gripe sheet, which
conveys to the mechanics problems encountered with the aircraft during
the
flight that need repair or correction. The mechanics read and correct
the
problem, and then respond in writing on the lower half of the form what
remedial action was taken and the pilot reviews the gripe sheets before
the
next flight. Never let it be said that ground crews and engineers lack
a
sense of humor. Here are some actual logged maintenance complaints and
problems as submitted by Qantas pilots and the solution recorded by
maintenance engineers. By the way, Qantas is the only major airline
that has
never had an accident.
(P = The problem logged by the pilot.)
(S = The solution and action taken by the engineers.)
P: Left inside main tyre almost needs replacement.
S: Almost replaced left inside main tyre.
P: Test flight OK, except auto-land very rough.
S: Auto-land not installed on this aircraft.
P: Something loose in cockpit.
S: Something tightened in cockpit.
P: Dead bugs on windshield.
S: Live bugs on back-order.
P: Autopilot in altitude-hold mode produces a 200 feet per minute
descent.
S: Cannot reproduce problem on ground.
P: Evidence of leak on right main landing gear.
S: Evidence removed.
P: DME volume unbelievably loud.
S: DME volume set to more believable level.
P: Friction locks cause throttle levers to stick.
S: That's what they're there for.
P: IFF inoperative.
S: IFF always inoperative in OFF mode.
P: Suspected crack in windshield.
S: Suspect you're right.
P: Number 3 engine missing.
S: Engine found on right wing after brief search.
P: Aircraft handles funny.
S: Aircraft warned to straighten up, fly right, and be serious.
P: Target radar hums.
S: Reprogrammed target radar with lyrics.
P: Mouse in cockpit.
S: Cat installed.
P: Noise coming from under instrument panel. Sounds like a midget
pounding
on something with a hammer.
S: Took hammer away from midget.
http://www.sargoth.net/upload/files/DEC04/President.mp3
Many thanks Mr. McSpoon, a couple of go's but hopefully worth it?
Many thanks Mr. McSpoon, a couple of go's but hopefully worth it?
Anyone interested?
Some of the boys in the office are heading to Ibiza this summer but they
need 4
more people to get a super package deal in a villa, it will work out at
around
£99 for the week with flights, any takers? Attached is a picture of the
lads
causing havoc in Amsterdam last year! If you're not up for it please
forward
this on to people who might be!
http://www.imageweb.info/viewimage.php? ... Y67910.jpg
Some of the boys in the office are heading to Ibiza this summer but they
need 4
more people to get a super package deal in a villa, it will work out at
around
£99 for the week with flights, any takers? Attached is a picture of the
lads
causing havoc in Amsterdam last year! If you're not up for it please
forward
this on to people who might be!
http://www.imageweb.info/viewimage.php? ... Y67910.jpg
Count, wait and watch. What do you think?
(Embedded image moved to file: pic19169.gif)Countwai.gif
This will drive you crazy!
WHERE DOES THE EXTRA MAN COME FROM? Don't ask me! I haven't figured it out
yet.
http://www.imageweb.info/viewimage.php? ... c78822.gif
(Embedded image moved to file: pic19169.gif)Countwai.gif
This will drive you crazy!
WHERE DOES THE EXTRA MAN COME FROM? Don't ask me! I haven't figured it out
yet.
http://www.imageweb.info/viewimage.php? ... c78822.gif
I don't think that his Holiness, Pope John Paul, would be unpset by this, as he is an avid football fan.
I will go to confession if he is.
http://www.imageweb.info/viewimage.php? ... 635699.jpg
I will go to confession if he is.
http://www.imageweb.info/viewimage.php? ... 635699.jpg
RHETORICAL QUESTIONS
>Why do we press harder on a remote control when we know the batteries
>are flat?
>
>
>-----------------------------------------------------------------------
-
>----
>
> Why do banks charge a fee on "insufficient funds" when they know
>there is not enough?
>
>
>-----------------------------------------------------------------------
-
>----
>
> Why does someone believe you when you say there are four billion
>stars, but check when you say the paint is wet?
>
>
>-----------------------------------------------------------------------
-
>----
>
> Why doesn't glue stick to the bottle?
>
>
>-----------------------------------------------------------------------
-
>----
>
> Why do they use sterilised needles for death by lethal
>injection?
>
>
>-----------------------------------------------------------------------
-
>----
>
> Why doesn't Tarzan have a beard?
>
>
>-----------------------------------------------------------------------
-
>----
>
> Why does Superman stop bullets with his chest, but ducks when
>you throw a revolver at him?
>
>
>-----------------------------------------------------------------------
-
>----
>
> Why do Kamikaze pilots wear helmets?
>
>
>-----------------------------------------------------------------------
-
>----
>
> Whose idea was it to put an "S" in the word "lisp"?
>
>
>-----------------------------------------------------------------------
-
>----
>
> What is the speed of darkness?
>
>
>-----------------------------------------------------------------------
-
>----
>
> Are there specially reserved parking spaces for "normal" people
>at the Special Olympics?
>
>
>-----------------------------------------------------------------------
-
>----
>
> If you send someone 'Styrofoam', how do you pack it?
>
>
>-----------------------------------------------------------------------
-
>----
>
> If the temperature is zero outside today and it's going to be
>twice as cold tomorrow, how cold will it be?
>
>
>-----------------------------------------------------------------------
-
>----
>
> If people evolved from apes, why are there still apes?
>
>
>-----------------------------------------------------------------------
-
>----
>
> If it's true that we are here to help others, what are the
>others doing here?
>
>
>-----------------------------------------------------------------------
-
>----
>
> Do married people live longer than single ones or does it only
>seem longer?
>
>
>-----------------------------------------------------------------------
-
>----
>
> If someone with a split personality threatens to commit suicide,
>is it a hostage situation?
>
>
>-----------------------------------------------------------------------
-
>----
>
> Can you cry under water?
>
>
>-----------------------------------------------------------------------
-
>----
>
> What level of importance must a person have , before they are
>considered asassinated instead of just murdered?
>
>
>-----------------------------------------------------------------------
-
>----
>
> If money doesn't grow on trees then why do banks have branches?
>
>
>-----------------------------------------------------------------------
-
>----
>
> Why does a round pizza come in a square box?
>
>
>-----------------------------------------------------------------------
-
>----
>
> How is it that we put man on the moon before we figured out it
>would be a good idea to put wheels on bigger suitcases ?
>
>
>-----------------------------------------------------------------------
-
>---
>
> Why is it that people say they "slept like a baby" when babies
>wake up, like, every two hours?
>
>
>-----------------------------------------------------------------------
-
>----
>
> If a deaf person has to go to court, is it still called a
>hearing?
>
>
>-----------------------------------------------------------------------
-
>----
>
> Why do people pay to go up tall buildings and then put money in
>binoculars to look at things on the ground?
>
>
>-----------------------------------------------------------------------
-
>----
>
> Why do doctors, when they ask you to strip, leave the room or
>close the cubicle curtain while you change? ..... They're still going
to
>see you naked anyway.
>
>
>-----------------------------------------------------------------------
-
>----
>
> If you aimed to fail, but you suceeded, are you a failure or
>not?
>
>
>-----------------------------------------------------------------------
-
>---
>
> Who's bright idea was it to make the word "Dyslexic" so
>difficult to spell ?
>Why do we press harder on a remote control when we know the batteries
>are flat?
>
>
>-----------------------------------------------------------------------
-
>----
>
> Why do banks charge a fee on "insufficient funds" when they know
>there is not enough?
>
>
>-----------------------------------------------------------------------
-
>----
>
> Why does someone believe you when you say there are four billion
>stars, but check when you say the paint is wet?
>
>
>-----------------------------------------------------------------------
-
>----
>
> Why doesn't glue stick to the bottle?
>
>
>-----------------------------------------------------------------------
-
>----
>
> Why do they use sterilised needles for death by lethal
>injection?
>
>
>-----------------------------------------------------------------------
-
>----
>
> Why doesn't Tarzan have a beard?
>
>
>-----------------------------------------------------------------------
-
>----
>
> Why does Superman stop bullets with his chest, but ducks when
>you throw a revolver at him?
>
>
>-----------------------------------------------------------------------
-
>----
>
> Why do Kamikaze pilots wear helmets?
>
>
>-----------------------------------------------------------------------
-
>----
>
> Whose idea was it to put an "S" in the word "lisp"?
>
>
>-----------------------------------------------------------------------
-
>----
>
> What is the speed of darkness?
>
>
>-----------------------------------------------------------------------
-
>----
>
> Are there specially reserved parking spaces for "normal" people
>at the Special Olympics?
>
>
>-----------------------------------------------------------------------
-
>----
>
> If you send someone 'Styrofoam', how do you pack it?
>
>
>-----------------------------------------------------------------------
-
>----
>
> If the temperature is zero outside today and it's going to be
>twice as cold tomorrow, how cold will it be?
>
>
>-----------------------------------------------------------------------
-
>----
>
> If people evolved from apes, why are there still apes?
>
>
>-----------------------------------------------------------------------
-
>----
>
> If it's true that we are here to help others, what are the
>others doing here?
>
>
>-----------------------------------------------------------------------
-
>----
>
> Do married people live longer than single ones or does it only
>seem longer?
>
>
>-----------------------------------------------------------------------
-
>----
>
> If someone with a split personality threatens to commit suicide,
>is it a hostage situation?
>
>
>-----------------------------------------------------------------------
-
>----
>
> Can you cry under water?
>
>
>-----------------------------------------------------------------------
-
>----
>
> What level of importance must a person have , before they are
>considered asassinated instead of just murdered?
>
>
>-----------------------------------------------------------------------
-
>----
>
> If money doesn't grow on trees then why do banks have branches?
>
>
>-----------------------------------------------------------------------
-
>----
>
> Why does a round pizza come in a square box?
>
>
>-----------------------------------------------------------------------
-
>----
>
> How is it that we put man on the moon before we figured out it
>would be a good idea to put wheels on bigger suitcases ?
>
>
>-----------------------------------------------------------------------
-
>---
>
> Why is it that people say they "slept like a baby" when babies
>wake up, like, every two hours?
>
>
>-----------------------------------------------------------------------
-
>----
>
> If a deaf person has to go to court, is it still called a
>hearing?
>
>
>-----------------------------------------------------------------------
-
>----
>
> Why do people pay to go up tall buildings and then put money in
>binoculars to look at things on the ground?
>
>
>-----------------------------------------------------------------------
-
>----
>
> Why do doctors, when they ask you to strip, leave the room or
>close the cubicle curtain while you change? ..... They're still going
to
>see you naked anyway.
>
>
>-----------------------------------------------------------------------
-
>----
>
> If you aimed to fail, but you suceeded, are you a failure or
>not?
>
>
>-----------------------------------------------------------------------
-
>---
>
> Who's bright idea was it to make the word "Dyslexic" so
>difficult to spell ?
Warning... contains language that would drive Bob's filter mental - but a bloody good laugh:
http://mirell.org/swf/london_underground.swf
http://mirell.org/swf/london_underground.swf
Excellent.wangi wrote:Warning... contains language that would drive Bob's filter mental - but a *** good laugh:
http://mirell.org/swf/london_underground.swf
Nearly choked on my brekkie though.
Subject: Fw: Typical Texan
A Texan is drinking in a New York bar when, he gets a call on his cell
phone. He hangs up, grinning from ear to ear, and orders a round of drinks
for everybody in the bar announcing his wife has produced a Typical Texas
baby boy weighing 25 pounds.
Nobody can believe that any new baby can weigh in at 25 pounds, but the
Texan just shrugs, "That's about average down home, folks. like I said, my
boy's a Typical Texas baby boy."
Congratulations showered him from all around, and many exclamations of
"WOW!"...
We heard one woman actually fainted due to sympathy pains.
Two weeks later he returns to the bar. The bartender says, "Say you're the
father of that Typical Texas baby that weighed 25 pounds at birth.
Everybody's been making bets about how big he'd be in two weeks. So how much
does he weigh now?
The proud father answers, "Seventeen pounds." The bartender is puzzled,
concerned, and a little suspicious. "What happened? He already weighed 25
pounds the day he was born!"
The Texas father takes a slow swig from his, Lone Star beer, wipes his
lips on his shirt sleeve, leans into the bartender and proudly says,
"Had'm circumcised
A Texan is drinking in a New York bar when, he gets a call on his cell
phone. He hangs up, grinning from ear to ear, and orders a round of drinks
for everybody in the bar announcing his wife has produced a Typical Texas
baby boy weighing 25 pounds.
Nobody can believe that any new baby can weigh in at 25 pounds, but the
Texan just shrugs, "That's about average down home, folks. like I said, my
boy's a Typical Texas baby boy."
Congratulations showered him from all around, and many exclamations of
"WOW!"...
We heard one woman actually fainted due to sympathy pains.
Two weeks later he returns to the bar. The bartender says, "Say you're the
father of that Typical Texas baby that weighed 25 pounds at birth.
Everybody's been making bets about how big he'd be in two weeks. So how much
does he weigh now?
The proud father answers, "Seventeen pounds." The bartender is puzzled,
concerned, and a little suspicious. "What happened? He already weighed 25
pounds the day he was born!"
The Texas father takes a slow swig from his, Lone Star beer, wipes his
lips on his shirt sleeve, leans into the bartender and proudly says,
"Had'm circumcised
Directions:
1. Start at London Heathrow Airport.
2. Catch flight from London Heathrow to Dallas Fort Worth Airport.
3. Hire car at Dallas Fort Worth Airport.
4. Start going toward the “Airport Exit" on "International Parkway South" -
follow for 0.2 miles.
5. Bear left onto the highway toward "Terminal East Parking" – follow for
0.3 miles
6. Bear left onto "International Parkway North" toward "North Airport Exit"
- follow for 2.9 miles
7. Take the "Highway 114 west" exit toward "Fort Worth" - follow for 29.2
miles
8. Then continue on "US 287 north" - follow for 91.1 miles
9. "US 287 north" becomes "Interstate-44 east" - follow for 0.7 miles
10. Take left fork onto "US-287 north" toward "Vernon" - follow for104.0
miles
11. "US 287 north" becomes "Avenue F (US-287)" - follow for 2.8 miles
12. Continue to follow "US 287 north" - follow for 104.9 miles
13. Take left ramp onto "Interstate 40 west" toward "Dumas" - follow for
7.8 miles
14. Take "E exit 70" onto "US 60 east" toward "Dumas" - follow for 0.5miles
15. Take the "Buchanan Street" exit toward "Dumas/Pampa" - follow for 1.7
miles
16. Turn right onto "Old Route 66 (Interstate 40)" - follow for 0.1miles
17. Arrive at the centre of town.
Scroll down
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Now that's the way to Amarillo!
SO PLEASE STOP SINGING IT NOW . . .
1. Start at London Heathrow Airport.
2. Catch flight from London Heathrow to Dallas Fort Worth Airport.
3. Hire car at Dallas Fort Worth Airport.
4. Start going toward the “Airport Exit" on "International Parkway South" -
follow for 0.2 miles.
5. Bear left onto the highway toward "Terminal East Parking" – follow for
0.3 miles
6. Bear left onto "International Parkway North" toward "North Airport Exit"
- follow for 2.9 miles
7. Take the "Highway 114 west" exit toward "Fort Worth" - follow for 29.2
miles
8. Then continue on "US 287 north" - follow for 91.1 miles
9. "US 287 north" becomes "Interstate-44 east" - follow for 0.7 miles
10. Take left fork onto "US-287 north" toward "Vernon" - follow for104.0
miles
11. "US 287 north" becomes "Avenue F (US-287)" - follow for 2.8 miles
12. Continue to follow "US 287 north" - follow for 104.9 miles
13. Take left ramp onto "Interstate 40 west" toward "Dumas" - follow for
7.8 miles
14. Take "E exit 70" onto "US 60 east" toward "Dumas" - follow for 0.5miles
15. Take the "Buchanan Street" exit toward "Dumas/Pampa" - follow for 1.7
miles
16. Turn right onto "Old Route 66 (Interstate 40)" - follow for 0.1miles
17. Arrive at the centre of town.
Scroll down
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.
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.
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.
Now that's the way to Amarillo!
SO PLEASE STOP SINGING IT NOW . . .
)
