Only Good Jokes Here!

[Hell's Cat]

J ack Schitt
Remember this and you'll no longer be at a loss when someone says, "you don't know Jack Schitt!"

For some time many of us have wondered just who is Jack Schitt? Well thanks to my genealogy efforts, you can respond in an intellectual way.
______________

Jack Schitt is the only son of Awe Schitt. Awe Schitt, the fertilizer magnate, married O Schitt, the owner of Needeep N Schitt, Inc. They had one son Jack.

In turn Jack Schitt married Noe Schitt. The deeply religious couple produced six children: Holie Schitt, Giva Schitt, Fulla Schitt, Bull Schitt, and the twins Deep Schitt and Dip Schitt.

Despite her parents objections, Deep Schitt married Dumb Schitt, a high school drop out. After being married 15 years Jack and Noe Schitt divorce.

Noe Schitt later married Ted Sherlock, and because her kids were living with them she wanted to keep her previous name, she became known as Noe Schitt Sherlock.

Meanwhile Dip Schitt married Loda Schitt and they produced a son with rather nervous disposition named Chicken Schitt.

Two of the other six children, Fulla Schitt and Giva Schitt were inseparable throughout childhood and subsequently married the Happens brothers in a dual ceremony. The wedding announcement in the local newspaper announced the Schitt Happens nupitals. The Schitt - Happens children were Dawg, Byrd and Horse.

Bull Schitt left home to tour the world and recently returned from Italy with his new Italian bride Pisa Schitt.

Now when someone says, "you don't know Jack Schitt", you can correct them.

Yours sincerely,
Crock O Schitt.

[ecm]

Hell's Cat,

You are our queen of comedy!

[Maria]

Someone called Boris sent me this one the other day:

The new Liverpool manager sent scouts out around the world
looking for a new striker to replace Michael Owen
and hopefully win Liverpool the title.

One of the scouts informs him of a young Iraqi striker who he thinks
will turn out to be a true superstar. The Liverpool manager flies to
Baghdad to watch him and is suitably impressed and arranges him to come over to Anfield.

Two weeks later Liverpool are 4-0 down to Man Utd with only 20 mins left.
The manager gives the young Iraqi striker the nod and on he goes.

The lad is a sensation, scores 5 in 20 mins and wins the game for Liverpool.
The fans are delighted, the players and coaches are delighted
and the media love the new star.

When the player comes off the pitch he phones his mum to tell her about
his first day in English football.

Hello mum, guess what?" he says. "I played for 20 mins today, we were
4-0 down but I scored 5 and we won. Everybody loves me, the fans, the
media, they all love me."

"Wonderful," says his mum, "Let me tell you about my day. Your father
got shot in the street, your sister and I were ambushed and beaten and
your brother has joined a gang of looters, while you were having a great
time."

The young lad is very upset, "What can I say mum, but I'm so sorry."

"Sorry?!!" says his mum, "It's your fault we moved to Liverpool in the
first place!"

[bellybabe]

Marya!
If I didn't have Mancunian roots I'd be horrified by that joke. But i do.
Anyway...


A married couple in their early 60s were out celebrating their 35th wedding anniversary in a quiet, romantic little restaurant.

Suddenly, a tiny yet beautiful fairy appeared on their table and said, "For
being such an exemplary married couple and for being faithful to each other for all this time, I will grant you each a wish."

"Ooh, I want to travel around the world with my darling husband" said the wife.

The fairy moved her magic stick and - abracadabra! - two tickets for the new QM2 luxury liner appeared in her hands.

Now it was the husbands turn. He thought for a moment and said: "Well this is all very romantic, but an opportunity like this only occurs once in a
lifetime, so, I'm sorry my love, but my wish is to have a wife 30 years
younger than me".

The wife, and the fairy, were deeply disappointed, but a wish is a wish...

So the fairy made a circle with her magic stick and - abracadabra! - the
husband became 92 years old.

[bellybabe]

Marya!
If I didn't have Mancunian roots I'd be horrified by that joke. But i do.
Anyway...


A married couple in their early 60s were out celebrating their 35th wedding anniversary in a quiet, romantic little restaurant.

Suddenly, a tiny yet beautiful fairy appeared on their table and said, "For
being such an exemplary married couple and for being faithful to each other for all this time, I will grant you each a wish."

"Ooh, I want to travel around the world with my darling husband" said the wife.

The fairy moved her magic stick and - abracadabra! - two tickets for the new QM2 luxury liner appeared in her hands.

Now it was the husbands turn. He thought for a moment and said: "Well this is all very romantic, but an opportunity like this only occurs once in a
lifetime, so, I'm sorry my love, but my wish is to have a wife 30 years
younger than me".

The wife, and the fairy, were deeply disappointed, but a wish is a wish...

So the fairy made a circle with her magic stick and - abracadabra! - the
husband became 92 years old.

[Maria]

Bellybabe wrote:

Marya!
If I didn't have Mancunian roots I'd be horrified by that joke. But i do.

Well,we'd established that we didn't have to be PC (And I have a Mancunian husband!)

[Hell's Cat]

Fast forward to 2006 - it is just before Scotland v Brazil at the next World Cup Group game. Ronaldo goes into the Brazilian changing room to find all his team-mates looking a bit glum.

"What's up?" he asks.
"Well, we're having trouble getting motivated for this game. We know it's important but it's only Scotland. They're sh*te and we can't be arsed".
Ronaldo looks at them and says "Well, I reckon I can beat these by myself, you lads go down the pub."
So Ronaldo goes out to play Scotland by himself and the rest of the Brazilian team go off for a few jars.

After a few pints they wonder how the game is going, so they get the landlord to put the teletext on. A big cheer goes up as the screen reads "Brazil 1 - Scotland 0 (Ronaldo 10minutes)". He is beating Scotland all by himself!
Anyway, a few more pints later and the game is forgotten until someone remembers "It must be full time now, let's see how he got on". They put the teletext on.
"Result from the Stadium "Brazil 1 (Ronaldo 10 minutes) - Scotland 1 (Angus 89 minutes)".
They can't believe it, he has single handedly got a draw against Scotland!! They rush back to the Stadium to congratulate him. They find him in the dressing room, still in his gear, sat with his head in his hands.
He refuses to look at them. "I've let you down, I've let you down."
"Don't be daft, you got a draw against Scotland, all by yourself. And they only scored at the very, very end!"

"No, No, I have, I've let you down... I got sent off after 12 minutes"

[Hell's Cat]

THE JOYS OF BOYS
The following came from an anonymous mother in Austin,
Texas... things I've learned from my Boys (honest and
not kidding):

1.) A king size water bed holds enough water to fill a
2000 sq. ft. house 4 inches deep.

2.) If you spray hair spray on dust bunnies and run
over them with roller blades, they can ignite.
3.) A 3-year old boy's voice is louder than 200 adults in a crowded restaurant.

4.) If you hook a dog leash over a ceiling fan, the
motor is not strong enough to rotate a 42 pound Boy
wearing Batman underwear and a Superman cape. It is
strong enough, however, if tied to a paint can, to
spread paint on all four walls of a 20x20 ft. room.

5.) You should not throw baseballs up when the ceiling
fan is on. When using a ceiling fan as a bat, you have
to throw the ball up a few times before you get a hit.
A ceiling fan can hit a baseball a long way.

6.) The glass in windows (even double-pane) doesn't
stop a baseball hit by a ceiling fan.

7.) When you hear the toilet flush and the words "uh
oh", it's already too late.

8.) Brake fluid mixed with Clorox makes smoke, and
lots of it.

9.) A six-year old Boy can start a fire with a flint
rock even though a 36-year old Man says they can only
do it in the movies.

10.) Certain Legos will pass through the digestive
tract of a 4-year old boy.

11.) Play dough and microwave should not be used in
the same sentence.

12.) Super glue is forever.

13.) No matter how much Jell-O you put in a swimming
pool you still can't walk on water.

14.) Pool filters do not like Jell-O.

15.) VCR's do not eject "PB & J" sandwiches even
though TV commercials
show they do.

16.) Garbage bags do not make good parachutes.

17.) Marbles in gas tanks make lots of noise when
driving.

18.) You probably DO NOT want to know what that odor
is.

19.) Always look in the oven before you turn it on;
plastic toys do not like ovens.

20.) The fire department in Austin, TX has a 5-minute
response time.

21.) The spin cycle on the washing machine does not
make earthworms dizzy.

22.) It will, however, make cats dizzy.

23.) Cats throw up twice their body weight when dizzy.

24.) 80% of Men who read this will try mixing the
Clorox and brake fluid.

Women will pass this on to almost all of their
friends, with or without kid.

a) For those with no children - this is totally
hysterical!
b) For those who already have children past this age,
this is hilarious.
c) For those who have children this age, this is not
funny.
d) For those who have children nearing this age, this
is a warning.
e) For those who have not yet had children, this is
birth control

[bellybabe]

Hm, Hell's Cat, I got sent that a couple of weeks ago with the subject line "This made me think of your two!".
What made it worse is that i sat reading it going, 2Oh yeah, aha, mm, hmm, yep, definitely..."

[CatzVP]

One night a police officer was staking out a particularly rowdy bar for possible violations of the driving-under-the-influence laws.
At closing time, he saw a fellow stumble out of the bar, trip on the curb and try his keys on five different cars before he found his. Then sat in the front seat fumbling around with his keys for several minutes. Everyone else left the bar and drove off. Finally he started his engine and began to pull away. The police officer was waiting for him.
He stopped the driver, read him his rights and administered the Breathalyzer test. The results showed a reading of 0.0.
The puzzled officer demanded to know how that could be. The driver replied, "Tonight I'm the designated decoy.

Reminds me of the Promms

[CatzVP]

About a century or two ago, the Pope decided that all the Jews had to leave Rome. Naturally there was a big uproar from the Jewish community. So the Pope made a deal. He would have a religious debate with a member of the Jewish community. If the Jews won, the Jews could stay.If the Pope won, the Jews would have to leave.
The Jews realized that they needed a champion to defend their faith, but no one wanted to volunteer. It was too risky. So they finally picked an old man to represent them. His name was Moishe, and he spent his life sweeping up after people. Being old and poor, he had less to lose, so he agreed to the debate, but only on the condition that neither side be allowed to talk. The Pope generously agreed.
The day of the great debate came. Moishe and the Pope sat opposite each other for a full minute before the Pope raised his hand and showed three fingers. Moishe looked back at him and raised one finger. The Pope waved his fingers in a circle around his head. Moishe pointed to the ground where he sat. The Pope pulled out a wafer and a glass of red wine. Moishe pulled out a large red apple.
The Pope stood up and said, "I give up. This man is too good. The Jews can stay."
An hour later the cardinals were all around the Pope asking him what happened. The Pope said, ""First I held up three fingers to represent the Trinity.
Moishe responded by holding up one finger to remind me that there was still one God common to both our religions. Then I waved my finger around to show him that God was all around us. He responded by pointing to the ground, showing that God was also right here with us.
Finally, I pulled out the wine and the wafer to show that God absolves us from our sins. He pulled out an apple to remind me of original sin. He had an answer for everything. What could I do? I was beaten"
Meanwhile, the Jewish community had crowded around Moishe, amazed that this old, almost feeble-minded man had done what all their scholars had insisted was impossible!? "What happened?" they asked.
"Well," said Moishe, "First he said to me that the Jews had three days to get out of here. I told him that not one of us was leaving. Then he told me that this whole city would be cleared of Jews. I let him know that we were staying right here."
"And then?" asked a woman, her eyes shining with excitement
"I don't know," said Moishe. "He took out his lunch and I took out mine."

[CatzVP]

A couple was invited to a swanky masked Halloween party. She got a terrible headache and told her husband to go to the party alone.
He, being a devoted husband, protested, but she argued and said she was going to take some aspirin and go to bed and there was no need of his good time being spoiled by not going. So, he took his costume and away he went.
The wife, after sleeping soundly for one hour, awakened without pain and, since it was still early, she decided to go to the party. Since her husband did not know what her costume was, she thought she would have some fun by watching her husband to see how he acted when she was not with him.
She joined the party and soon spotted her husband cavorting around on the dance floor, dancing with every nice chick he could and copping a little feel here and a little kiss there. His wife sidled up to him and, being a rather seductive lady herself, he left his partner high and dry and devoted his time to the new stuff that had just arrived. She let him go as far as he wished; naturally, since he was her husband. Finally, he whispered a little proposition in her ear and she agreed, so off they went to one of the cars and had sex.
Just before unmasking at midnight, she slipped away and went home and put the costume away and got into bed, wondering what kind of explanation he would make for his behavior. She was sitting up reading when he came in and asked him what kind of time he had.
He said, "Oh, the same old thing. You know I never have a good time when you're not there."
Then she asked, "Did you dance much?"
He replied, "I'll tell you, I never even danced one dance. When I got there, I met Pete, Bill Brown and some other guys, so we went into the den and played poker all evening... But, you're not gonna believe what happened to the guy I loaned my costume to."

[CatzVP]

A child with a speech impediment decided to go trick or treating as a pirate. He walks up to a door and rings the doorbell the owner answers and the child says "bicker beat".
The home owner asks the child what he is supposed to be upon which the trick or treater answers "a birate" to which the owner asks, well if your a pirate then where are your buccaneers?
the child then replies, "on the side of my bucking head, where are yours?"

[Leo Lions]

A Glesga burd is involved in a nasty car crash and is trapped and
bleeding.
The paramedics soon arrive on site. Medic: "It's OK I'm a paramedic and
I'm
going to ask you some questions?" Girl: "OK" Medic: "What's your name?"
Girl: "Morag." Medic: "OK Morag, is this your car?" Morag: "Yes."
Medic:
"Where are you bleeding from?" Morag: "Springburn."

[Leo Lions]

A Glesga Burd goes tae the social tae register fur child benefit. "How
many
children?" asks the civil servant "10" replies the girl. "10???"
says the civil servant.. "What are their names?" "Alec, Alec, Alec,
Alec,
Alec, Alec, Alec, Alec, Alec and eh Alec!" "Doesn't that get
confusing?" "Naw..." says the girl "its great because if thur oot
playin in
the street, ah jist huv tae shout ALEC, YER DINNER'S READY or
ALEC, GO TO BED NOW 'n' they aw dae it..." "What if you want to speak
to
one individually?" says the perturbed civil servant. "at's easy,"
says the girl... "Ah just use thur surnames"

[Leo Lions]

A Glesga burd and a Weegie guy are in a bar when the girl notices
something
strange about the Nikes the guy is wearing. She says, "Here mate, ah
no'
tryin tae take the mick ur any'hin lik' that, but how come you've goat
an L
oan wan ae yur gutties 'n' an R oan the other wan?" So the guy smiles,
puts
down his bottle of cider and replies, "Coz I'm a bit thick so Ah huv
tae
huv an L oan ma left fit 'n' an R oan ma ma right wan." "Jeezo"
exclaims
the girl "So thats how ma thongs've goat C&A oan thum!"

[bellybabe]

Hey Leo,
Welcome to the board and it's nice to see newbies posting.
But...
I don't know what a "burd" is. I do however know the words "woman" and "girl"... Sexism, along with other isms, is offensive, so let's avoid the isms as much as possible.
Cheers.

[Epykat]

I think the essence of the joke would have been lost if 'burd' had been replaced by 'woman' or 'girl' BB!
Anyway, women are only called 'burds' coz of the worms we pick up

[CatzVP]

well that slowed the posting on this thread!

[bellybabe]

Yes, you can always count on me to pour icy water on things!

[bellybabe]

And as my penance for being a grumpy feminist, i offer:

The Parrot

A guy named David received a parrot for his birthday.
The parrot was fully grown, with a bad attitude and worse vocabulary.
Every other word was an expletive.
Those that weren't expletives were, to say the least, rude.
David tried hard to change the bird's attitude and was constantly saying
polite words, playing soft music, anything he could think of, to try and set
a good example.

Nothing worked.
He yelled at the bird and the bird yelled back.
He shook the bird; and the bird just got more angry and more rude.
Finally, in a moment of desperation, David put the parrot in the freezer.

For a few moments he heard the bird squawk and kick and scream.
Then suddenly there was quiet. Not a sound for half a minute.
David was frightened that he might have hurt the bird, and quickly opened
the freezer door.
The parrot calmly stepped out onto David's extended arm and said, "I believe
I may have offended you with my rude language and actions. I will endeavour
at once to correct my behaviour. I really am truly sorry and beg your
forgiveness."

David was astonished at the bird's change in attitude and was about to ask
what had made such a dramatic change, when the parrot continued,

"May I ask what the chicken did?"

[bellybabe]

The Rope


There were 11 people hanging onto a rope that came down from a helicopter. Ten were men and one woman.

The rope was starting to fray so they all agreed that one person should let go because if they didn't, the rope would break and everyone would die.

No one could decide who should go so finally the woman gave a really touching speech, saying how she would give up her life to save theirs,
because women were used to giving up things for their husbands and
children, giving in to men, and that after all, men were the superior
sex and must be saved.

When she finished speaking, all the men clapped.

[CatzVP]

Bellybabe.... Coming from a man, I find that joke sexist and a bad representation of the male race.....it was also quite funny!!!


See we can take a joke!

[CatzVP]

I dont even know if its a windup.....if its not he must have been one lonely guy that his family and friends didn't notice....him and the smell



Kinda gave me cold shivers reliving memories of the Registers of Scotland for a Second or Two!!!!

[Brian McCrow]

AN IRISH CONFESSION

Bless me father, for I have sinned. I have been with a loose woman."

The priest asks, "Is that you, little Tommy Shaughnessy?" "Yes,
Father, it is. "And, who was the woman you were with?" "Sure I can't
be tellin' you, Father. I don't want to ruin her reputation."

"Well, Tommy, I'm sure to find out sooner or later, so you may as well
tell me now."

"Was it Brenda O'Malley?" "I cannot say."

"Was it Patricia Kelly?" "I cannot say."

"Was it Liz Shannon?" "I'm sorry, but I cannot name her."

"Was it Cathy Morgan?" "My lips are sealed."

"Was it Fiona McDonald, then?" "Please, Father, I cannot tell you."

The priest sighs in frustration. "You're a steadfast lad, Tommy
Shaughnessy, and I admire that. But you've sinned, and you must atone.
You cannot attend church mass for three months. Be off with you now."

Tommy walks back to his pew. His friend Sean slides over and whispers
"what'd you get?"

"Three months vacation and five good leads."

[bellybabe]

Bellybabe.... Coming from a man, I find that joke sexist and a bad representation of the male race.....it was also quite funny!!!


See we can take a joke!

What do you mean? I just thought it showed how polite and courteous all the men were.
BB

[Brian McCrow]

George Bush has a heart attack and dies. He goes to hell where the devil
is waiting for him.

"I don't know what to do here," says the devil. "You're on my list but I
have no room for you. But you definitely have to stay here, so I'll tell
you what I'm going to do. I've got three people here who weren't quite as
bad as you. I'll let one of them go, but you have to take their place.

I'll even let YOU decide who leaves."

George thought that sounded pretty good so he agreed. The devil opened
the first room. In it was Richard Nixon and a large pool of water. He kept
diving in and surfacing empty handed over and over and over. Such was his
fate in hell.

"No!" George said. "I don't think so. I'm not a good swimmer and I don't think I could do that all day long."

The devil led him to the next room. In it was Tony Blair with a
sledgehammer and a room full of rocks. All he did was swing that hammer,
time after time after

"No! I've got this problem with my shoulder. I would be in constant agony
if all I could do was break rocks all day!" commented George.

The devil opened a third door. In it, George saw Bill Clinton lying naked on the
floor with his arms staked over his head and his legs staked in spread-eagle pose.

Bent over him was Monica Lewinsky, doing what she does best.

George Bush looked at this in disbelief for a while and finally said,
"Yeah, I can handle this."

The devil smiled and said, "Monica, you're free to go!"

[Davie Bhoy]

An Australian, an Irishman and a Scouser are in a bar. They're staring
> >at another man sitting on his own at a table in the corner.He's so
> >familiar, and not recognizing him is driving them mad.They stare and
> >stare, until suddenly the Irishman twigs: "My God, it's Jesus!"
> > >
> > > Sure enough, it is Jesus, nursing a pint.Thrilled, they send him over a
> >pint of Guinness, a pint of Fosters and a pint of bitter.Jesus accepts the
> >drinks, smiles over at the three men, and drinks the pints slowly, one
> >after another.
> > >
> > > After he's finished the drinks, Jesus approaches the trio. He reaches
> >for the hand of the Irishman and shakes it, thanking him for the Guinness.
> >When he lets go, the Irishman gives a cry of amazement: "My God! The
> >arthritis I've had for 30 years is gone. It's a miracle!"
> > >
> > > Jesus then shakes the Aussie's hand, thanking him for the lager. As he
> >lets go, the man's eyes widen in shock. "Strewth mate, the bad back I've
> >had all my life is completely gone! It's a miracle." Jesus then approaches
> >the Scouser who knocks over a chair and a table in trying to get away from
> >the Son of God.
> > > "What's wrong?" says Jesus.
> > > The Scouser shouts, "F *** off, I'm on disability benefit!"

[Pal of Porty]

Two Arabs are sitting in a Gaza Strip bar chatting over a pint of
fermented goat's milk. One pulls his wallet out and starts flipping through pictures and
they start reminiscing.
"This is my oldest son, Mohammed...he's a martyr."
"This is my second son, Hammed. He is a martyr also."
After a pause and a deep sigh, the second Arab says wistfully,
"They blow up so fast, don't they?

[foxy]

Yasser Arrafat has asked for a Rangers top, Spurs shorts and Lazio socks.

Apparently he wants to be buried in the Gazza strip !!

[Davie Bhoy]

the only thing i could find was on liverpools new signing...

Extract from the Liverpool Evening Standard

The new Liverpool manager sent scouts out around the world looking for a new striker to replace Michael Owen and hopefully win Liverpool the title.

One of the scouts informs him of a young Iraqi striker who he thinks will turn out to be a true superstar.
The Liverpool manager flies to Baghdad to watch him and is suitably impressed and arranges him to come over to Anfield.

Two weeks later Liverpool are 4-0 down to Man Utd with only 20 mins left.
The manager gives the young Iraqi striker the nod and on he goes.

The lad is a sensation, scores 5 in 20 mins and wins the game for Liverpool.
The fans are delighted, the players and coaches are delighted and the media love the new star.

When the player comes off the pitch he phones his mum to tell her about his first day in English football.

Hello mum, guess what?" he say's. "I played for 20 mins today. We were 4-0 down but I scored 5 and we won. Everybody loves me, the fans, the media, they all love me."

"Wonderful," says his mum, "Let me tell you about my day.

Your father got shot in the street, your sister and I were ambushed and beaten and your brother has joined a gang of looters, while you were having a great time."



The young lad is very upset, "What can I say mum, but I'm so sorry."




"Sorry!" says his mum, "It's your fault we moved to Liverpool in the first place!"

[CatzVP]

Someone called Boris sent me this one the other day:

The new Liverpool manager sent scouts out around the world
looking for a new striker to replace Michael Owen
and hopefully win Liverpool the title.

One of the scouts informs him of a young Iraqi striker who he thinks
will turn out to be a true superstar. The Liverpool manager flies to
Baghdad to watch him and is suitably impressed and arranges him to come over to Anfield.

Two weeks later Liverpool are 4-0 down to Man Utd with only 20 mins left.
The manager gives the young Iraqi striker the nod and on he goes.

The lad is a sensation, scores 5 in 20 mins and wins the game for Liverpool.
The fans are delighted, the players and coaches are delighted
and the media love the new star.

When the player comes off the pitch he phones his mum to tell her about
his first day in English football.

Hello mum, guess what?" he says. "I played for 20 mins today, we were
4-0 down but I scored 5 and we won. Everybody loves me, the fans, the
media, they all love me."

"Wonderful," says his mum, "Let me tell you about my day. Your father
got shot in the street, your sister and I were ambushed and beaten and
your brother has joined a gang of looters, while you were having a great
time."

The young lad is very upset, "What can I say mum, but I'm so sorry."

"Sorry?!!" says his mum, "It's your fault we moved to Liverpool in the
first place!"

D .....Marya beat you to it

[bellybabe]

SCOTLAND DRAFT HIGHER GRADE MODERN MATHEMATICS PAPER 2004 HIGHLY CONFIDENTIAL


GLASGOW REGION

Name...........................................

Nickname......................................

Gang name....................................


1. Shuggie has bought half a kilo of cocaine for large. He wants to make 300% on the deal and still pay Mad Malky his 10% protection money.
How much must he charge for a gram?


2. Wee Davie reckons he'll get £42.50 extra Marriage Allowance a week if he ties the knot with Fat Alice. Even if he steals the ring, the wedding will cost him £587. And he'll have to start buying two fish suppers every night instead of one. How long will it be before Davie wishes he'd stayed single?

3. When Rangers play Celtic, their fans sing The Sash every 10
minutes when they're winning and every 15 minutes when they're losing.
How many times did they sing it at last season's Cup Final?


4. Joey and Davie stole a 1999 green Toyota 1600GL with 35,000 miles
on the clock - and got a grand for it. How much more would they have got if it had been metallic silver, done 29,000 miles and had low profile tyres?


5. Jake the Flake an Fingers got grassed up for dealing speed. The Flake got 18 months but Fingers got 3 years. How many more previous convictions did Fingers have?

EXTRA CREDIT: Who was Fingers' Brief?


EDINBURGH / BORDERS REGION

Name..........................................

Rugby Club..................................

Daddy's Company.........................

1. Gavin has a spare ticket for Julian Clary at The Festival Fringe.
But Benji and Adrian BOTH want to go with him. How long does he cry
before giving them the tickets?

2. Half of Peter's friends say that they went to school with Ewan
McGregor. Another third say they were Gordon Brown's flat mate at
University. A sixth say that their dad played rugby with Tony Blair's dad and the rest say Sean Connery was their milkman. Only one is telling the truth, so how many friends does Peter have?

3. Todd wants to be a lawyer, but is as thick as Edinburgh Castle.
His daddy is a Freemason and a QC. How long before Todd becomes the
Lord Advocate?

4. Tamsin's Personal Trainer charges £250 a week, but has sex with
her whenever she wants it. Jasmin's Life Coach charges £50 a week
but has refused all sexual advances. Which one of the women weighs
19 stone?

5. Princes Street is 2467 yards long. On average, there is someone
begging for money every 195 yards. You walk at 3.1 miles an hour. How long will it take if you tell them all to sod off and work for a living?




HIGHLANDS REGION

Name..................................

Glen....................................

1. After Hector's death, Archie has to pay Death Duty on Glenbogle.
With 25,000 acres, Archie must pay £1.76 for the first 15,000 acres and 90p per acre for the remainder, including VAT. How many people actually give a toss?

2. An Afro-American called Zachary Obisanjo Kokobobo asks a Tartan
Shop in Inverness if he has any Scottish Genealogy. How long does it take to flog him full Highland dress and matching kilts for his wife and 10 kids?

3. If an Aberdeen supporter laid every sheep in Grampian Region end
to end, how many people would be surprised?

4. If you caught a Loch Ness Monster 115 feet long and each foot
weighed 27lbs, how much money would you make by selling your
exclusive story and pictures?

5. Sorry, question 5 has been delayed by heavy snowfall and will be
here as soon as the Cockbridge - Tomintoul road re-opens in the spring!

[Gemini]

> A new young monk arrives at the monastery. He is assigned to help the
> other monks in copying the old canons and laws of the church by hand. He
> notices, however, that all of the monks are copying from copies, not from
> the original manuscript.
>
>
> So, the new monk goes to the head abbot to question
> this, pointing out that if someone made even a small error in the first
> copy, it would never be picked up. In fact, that error would be continued
> in all of the subsequent copies.
>
>
> The head monk, says, "We have been copying from the copies for centuries,
> but you make a good point, my son." So, he goes down into the dark caves
> underneath the monastery where the original manuscript is held as
> archives in a locked vault that hasn't been opened for hundreds of years.
>
>
> Hours go by and nobody sees the old abbot. So, the young monk gets worried
> and goes downstairs to look for him. He sees him banging his head against
> the wall, and wailing "We forgot the 'R', We forgot the 'R'."
>
>
> His forehead is all bloody and bruised and he is crying uncontrollably.
> The young monk asks the old abbot, "What's wrong, father?"
>
>
> With a choking voice, the old abbot replies, "The word is 'celebrate'."

[Gemini]

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