Celebrity Low Intensity Warfare

Dadaist · Post by **Dadaist** » 16 Nov 2006, 16:14

Porty wrote:Where's Jimmy Saville? Surely he would relish the necrophilia opportunities that appear to be presenting themselves on a daily basis.

That footage is being edited for a dvd, to be sold worldwide via certain websites.

ali · Post by **ali** » 16 Nov 2006, 17:13

I can't believe Ann Robinson isn't involved in this. Is she on a reserve list or something??

Dadaist · Post by **Dadaist** » 16 Nov 2006, 18:40

ali wrote:I can't believe Ann Robinson isn't involved in this. Is she on a reserve list or something??

In conjunction with SAS and childrens' advisors, producers of the show had to make sure that they didn't include any celebrity who :

a) Would give their team an unfair military advantage due to experience or aptitude in guerrilla/terrorist combat

b) Would scare our younger viewers

Anne Robinson failed on both counts and was therefore not included.

Porty · Post by **Porty** » 16 Nov 2006, 18:45

Dadaist wrote:
b) Would scare our younger viewers

Anne Robinson failed on both counts and was therefore not included.

How come cheggers, beadle and holmes got through?

Dadaist · Post by **Dadaist** » 16 Nov 2006, 19:09

You're quite right. They even had Beadle as Santa before he was removed from the entertainment pool.

Child advisor Maggie Philbin has now been sacked.

Dadaist · Post by **Dadaist** » 17 Nov 2006, 12:00

Week 2, Day 4 :

A busy schedule for the surviving celebrities today, who will be combining their usual offensive, defensive and surveillance activities together with filming for the Xmas special *and* getting their hair done for tonight's Charity Boobytrap Dance-Off which guarantees to see celebrity feet flying.

gilo · Post by **gilo** » 17 Nov 2006, 12:10

As well as being suave and a hit with the ladies, Ben Fogle is also an excellent dancer. He's sure to waltz through to the next round.

Porty · Post by **Porty** » 17 Nov 2006, 12:25

Yes Ben is a dancer no doubt about that. Tonights dance off should be good and should really set the heather on fire.

I heard a rumour that Heather Mills Mcartney is being dropped into the engagement as a surprise. This ought to bring universal agreement to reintroduce land mines and cluster bombs.

If Heather manages to survive the initial shock and awe thats bound to greet her appearance, with all sides uniting for the attack. She will surely succumb in the dance off. Even the pogo is beyond her.

foxy · Post by **foxy** » 17 Nov 2006, 12:27

New footage... Celebrity Podiatry...Beadle and Branson cutting each other's toes nails, Ann Robinson having her Veruccas Bazukaed by Faith Brown, hard skin removal by scalpel and foot file... join in at home, a fungus game for all the family

Dadaist · Post by **Dadaist** » 17 Nov 2006, 12:39

foxy wrote:New footage... Celebrity Podiatry...Beadle and Branson cutting each other's toes nails, Ann Robinson having her Veruccas Bazukaed by Faith Brown, hard skin removal by scalpel and foot file... join in at home, a fungus game for all the family

Faith Brown being bazooka'd - that I would watch. Beadle's toenail shrapnel : I think I'd change channels.

SoupDragon · Post by **SoupDragon** » 17 Nov 2006, 13:55

Following a recent conflict in the outside world Sharleen Spiteri attacks Paris Hilton with a flame thrower.

Hiltons last words are reported as being "thats hot"

Dadaist · Post by **Dadaist** » 17 Nov 2006, 13:59

SoupDragon wrote:Following a recent conflict in the outside world Sharleen Spiteri attacks Paris Hilton with a flame thrower.

Hiltons last words are reported as being "thats hot"

Kentucky Fried Hilton - I like it. Can the flamethrower be filled with unsold Beckham perfume?

SoupDragon · Post by **SoupDragon** » 17 Nov 2006, 14:07

Dadaist wrote:
Kentucky Fried Hilton - I like it. Can the flamethrower be filled with unsold Beckham perfume?

If there is a flame thrower with a big enough tank!

Porty · Post by **Porty** » 17 Nov 2006, 14:45

Giles Brandreth has orgasmed at the thought of someone inventing a famethrower. "where do I stand" he asked Paul Daniels who was mumbling "not a lot" as he considered the remains of Debbi Mchgee's mutilated torso.

Dadaist · Post by **Dadaist** » 17 Nov 2006, 14:55

Kerry Katona has been found frozen to death in the Insurgent team's chest freezer. Signs of struggle are everywhere - from the barbed wire binding her hands to the weights piled on top of the freezer. A sarcastic adieu from the killer, written in BBQ sauce on the wall, reads simply :

"Mum's Gone To Iceland"

Cleopas · Post by **Cleopas** » 17 Nov 2006, 16:02

Can we have the skinny on the Talentless Two soon?? I need to know they've been hacked to pieces or something similar.

Any reports on Vernon Kay and Leslie Ash??

Dadaist · Post by **Dadaist** » 17 Nov 2006, 16:19

Cleopas wrote:Can we have the skinny on the Talentless Two soon?? I need to know they've been hacked to pieces or something similar.

Any reports on Vernon Kay and Leslie Ash??

Vernon Kay was hung from a telegraph pole by local children during the first week of the show.

Lesley Ash is an Insurgent stalwart, rival to Philip Schofield's leadership, efficient lookout when Jon Tickle is placing booby traps and also a feared interrogator. There has already been one failed assassination attempt by the Occupiers which resulted in Anthony Worral Thompson having to have his spleen removed, but Ash wasn't touched - she hunted down the assassins and killed them with piano wire.

Only rumour exists with regard to the gestalt Trinnyandsusannah - nothing as yet has been confirmed.

Cleopas · Post by **Cleopas** » 17 Nov 2006, 16:47

I've been informed that Lorraine Kelly is behind a lot of the really scary stuff that's going on. Is this true?

Having just spotted this pair on TV ... Aggie n Kim ... Please let them be exploded internally so they are a right mess!!

SoupDragon · Post by **SoupDragon** » 18 Nov 2006, 01:54

CiN caused a lull in hostilities; the Occupiers erected a stage; the Insurgents came out expecting entertainment but ran screaming for cover as Shirley Bassey was wheeled out singing " Get the party started" . Pink immediately retaliated with Cilla Black. Under cover of bombardment of Ferrero Rocher, Lulu and Take That sneaked behind enemy lines and quickly overcame the Spice Girls. Jason Orange had Emma Bunton in a headlock saying "you're going downtown now." Neither have been heard from since. Whilst watching her cholesterol Lulu shouted a lot and overcame Gareth Gates. Again he hasn't been heard from for a while. No change there.

Cleopas wrote:I've been informed that Lorraine Kelly is behind a lot of the really scary stuff that's going on. Is this true?

Yes but in real life not here.