Teacher: "Good morning children, each Thursday we're going to have a general knowledge quiz. The pupil who gets the answer right can have Friday and Monday off and not come back to school until Tuesday."
Wee Jock (a typical Scottish twang) thinks, "Ya bassa. Ah'm pure dead brilliant at ma general knowledge stuff. This is gonnae be a dawdle, come ahead ya radge, a lang weekend fir me.'
Teacher: "Right class, who can tell me who said 'Don't ask what your country can do for you, but what you can do for your country?'
Wee Jock shoots up his hand, waving furiously in the air. Teacher looking round picks Jeremy at the front.
Teacher: "Yes, Jeremy."
Jeremy (in a very English accent): "Yes miss, the answer is J F Kennedy -
inauguration speech 1960."
Teacher: "Very good Jeremy. You may stay off Friday and Monday and we will see you back in class on Tuesday."
The next Thursday comes around, and Wee Jock is even more determined.
Teacher: "Who said. 'We will fight them on the beaches, we will fight them in the air, we will fight them at sea. But we will never surrender?'"
Wee Jock's hand shoots up, arm stiff as a board, shouting "I know. I know. Me Miss, me Miss."
Teacher looking round and picks Timothy, sitting at the front: "Yes Timothy."
Timothy (In a very, very posh, English accent): "Yes miss, the answer is Winston Churchill, 1941 Battle of Britain speech."
Teacher: " Very good Timothy, you may stay off Friday and Monday and come back to class on Tuesday."
The following Thursday comes around and Wee Jock is hyper, he's been studying encyclopaedias all week and he's ready for anything that comes.
He's coiled in his wee chair, slavers dripping in anticipation.
Teacher: "Who said 'One small step for man, one giant leap for mankind'?"
Wee Jock's arm shoots straight in the air, he's standing on his seat, jumping up and down screaming "Miss, me miss, meeeeee!"
Teacher looking round the class picks Rupert, sitting at the front: "Yes Rupert."
Rupert (In a frightfully, frightfully, ever so plummy English accent: "Yes miss, that was Neil Armstrong. 1969, The first moon landing."
Teacher: "Very good Rupert. You may stay off Friday and Monday and come back into class on Tuesday."
Wee Jock loses the plot altogether, tips his desk and throws his wee chair at the wall. He starts screaming: "FFS WHERE did all these English b`TARDS come from?"
Teacher looking round the class: "Who the hell said that?"
Wee Jock, grabs his coat and bag and heads for the door, "Bonnie Prince Charlie, Culloden, 1746. See youse on Tuesday."
Only Good Jokes Here!
This one's for " CatzVp"!!! 
Diary Of A Snow Shoveler
December 9: We woke to a beautiful blanket of crystal white snow
covering every inch of the landscape. What a fantastic sight! Can
there be a more lovely place in the Whole World? Moving here was the
best idea I've ever had. Shoveled for the first time in years and
felt like a boy again. I did both our driveway and the sidewalks.
This afternoon the snow plow came along and covered up the sidewalks
and closed in the driveway, so I got to shovel again. What a perfect
life.
December 12: The sun has melted all our lovely snow. Such a
disappointment. My neighbor tells me not to worry, we'll definitely
have a white Christmas. No snow on Christmas would be awful! Bob says
we'll have so much snow by the end of winter, that I'll never want to
see snow again. I don't think that's possible. Bob is such a nice
man. I'm glad he's our neighbor.
December 14: Snow, lovely snow! 8" last night. The temperature
dropped to -20. The cold makes everything sparkle so. The wind took
my breath away, but I warmed up by shoveling the driveway and
sidewalks. This is the life! The snowplow came back this afternoon
and buried everything again. I didn't realize I would have to do
quite this much shoveling, but I'll certainly get back in shape this
way. I wish I wouldn't huff and puff so.
December 15: 20 inches forecast. Sold my van and bought a 4x4 Blazer.
Bought snow tires for the wife's car and 2 extra shovels. Stocked the
freezer. The wife wants a wood stove in case the electricity goes
out. I think that's silly. We aren't in Alaska, after all.
December 16: Ice storm this morning. Fell on my ass on the ice in the
driveway putting down salt. Hurt like hell. The wife laughed for an
hour, which I think was very cruel.
December 17: Still way below freezing. Roads are too icy to go
anywhere. Electricity was off for 5 hours. I had to pile the blankets
on to stay warm. Nothing to do but stare at the wife and try not to
irritate her. Guess I should've bought a wood stove, but won't admit
it to her. God I hate it when she's right. I can't believe I'm
freezing to death in my own living room.
December 20: Electricity's back on, but had another 14" of the damn
stuff last night. More shoveling. Took all day. Goddamn snowplow came
by twice. Tried to find a neighbor kid to shovel, but they said
they're too busy playing hockey. I think they're lying. Called the
only hardware store around to see about buying a snow blower and
they're out. Might have another shipment in March. I think they're
lying. Bob says I have to shovel or the city will have it done and
bill me. I think he's lying.
December 22: Bob was right about a white Christmas because 13 more
inches of the white shit fell today, and it's so cold it probably
won't melt till August. Took me 45 minutes to get all dressed up to
go out to shovel and then I had to piss. By the time I got undressed,
pissed and dressed again. I was too tired to shovel. Tried to hire
Bob who has a plow on his truck for the rest of the winter; but he
says he's too busy. I think the asshole is lying.
December 23: Only 2" of snow today. And it warmed up to 0. The wife
wanted me to decorate the front of the house this morning. What is
she...nuts??? Why didn't she tell me to do that a month ago? She says
she did but I think she's damn well lying.
December 24: 6". Snow packed so hard by snowplow, l broke the shovel.
Thought I was having a heart attack. If I ever catch the son of a
bitch who drives that snowplow, I'll drag him through the snow by his
balls. I know he hides around the corner and waits for me to finish
shoveling and then he comes down the street at a 100 miles an hour
and throws snow all over where I've just been! Tonight the wife
wanted me to sing Christmas carols with her and open our presents,
but I was busy watching for the goddamn snowplow.
December 25: Merry Christmas. 20 more inches of the !=3D@x@!x!x1 slop
tonight. Snowed in. The idea of shoveling makes my blood boil. God I
hate the snow! Then the snowplow driver came by asking for a donation
and I hit him over the head with my shovel.
December 26: Still snowed in. Why the hell did I ever move here? It
was all HER idea. She's really getting on my nerves.
December 28: Warmed up to above -50. Still snowed in. THE BITCH is
driving me crazy!!!
December 29: 10 more inches. Bob says I have to shovel the roof or it
could cave in. That's the silliest thing I ever heard. How dumb does
he think I am?
December 30: Roof caved in. The snow plow driver is suing me for a
million dollars for the bump on his head. The wife went home to her
mother . 9" predicted.
December 31: Set fire to what's left of the house. No more shoveling.
January 8: I feel so good. I just love those little white pills they
keep giving me. Why am I tied to the bed?
Diary Of A Snow Shoveler
December 9: We woke to a beautiful blanket of crystal white snow
covering every inch of the landscape. What a fantastic sight! Can
there be a more lovely place in the Whole World? Moving here was the
best idea I've ever had. Shoveled for the first time in years and
felt like a boy again. I did both our driveway and the sidewalks.
This afternoon the snow plow came along and covered up the sidewalks
and closed in the driveway, so I got to shovel again. What a perfect
life.
December 12: The sun has melted all our lovely snow. Such a
disappointment. My neighbor tells me not to worry, we'll definitely
have a white Christmas. No snow on Christmas would be awful! Bob says
we'll have so much snow by the end of winter, that I'll never want to
see snow again. I don't think that's possible. Bob is such a nice
man. I'm glad he's our neighbor.
December 14: Snow, lovely snow! 8" last night. The temperature
dropped to -20. The cold makes everything sparkle so. The wind took
my breath away, but I warmed up by shoveling the driveway and
sidewalks. This is the life! The snowplow came back this afternoon
and buried everything again. I didn't realize I would have to do
quite this much shoveling, but I'll certainly get back in shape this
way. I wish I wouldn't huff and puff so.
December 15: 20 inches forecast. Sold my van and bought a 4x4 Blazer.
Bought snow tires for the wife's car and 2 extra shovels. Stocked the
freezer. The wife wants a wood stove in case the electricity goes
out. I think that's silly. We aren't in Alaska, after all.
December 16: Ice storm this morning. Fell on my ass on the ice in the
driveway putting down salt. Hurt like hell. The wife laughed for an
hour, which I think was very cruel.
December 17: Still way below freezing. Roads are too icy to go
anywhere. Electricity was off for 5 hours. I had to pile the blankets
on to stay warm. Nothing to do but stare at the wife and try not to
irritate her. Guess I should've bought a wood stove, but won't admit
it to her. God I hate it when she's right. I can't believe I'm
freezing to death in my own living room.
December 20: Electricity's back on, but had another 14" of the damn
stuff last night. More shoveling. Took all day. Goddamn snowplow came
by twice. Tried to find a neighbor kid to shovel, but they said
they're too busy playing hockey. I think they're lying. Called the
only hardware store around to see about buying a snow blower and
they're out. Might have another shipment in March. I think they're
lying. Bob says I have to shovel or the city will have it done and
bill me. I think he's lying.
December 22: Bob was right about a white Christmas because 13 more
inches of the white shit fell today, and it's so cold it probably
won't melt till August. Took me 45 minutes to get all dressed up to
go out to shovel and then I had to piss. By the time I got undressed,
pissed and dressed again. I was too tired to shovel. Tried to hire
Bob who has a plow on his truck for the rest of the winter; but he
says he's too busy. I think the asshole is lying.
December 23: Only 2" of snow today. And it warmed up to 0. The wife
wanted me to decorate the front of the house this morning. What is
she...nuts??? Why didn't she tell me to do that a month ago? She says
she did but I think she's damn well lying.
December 24: 6". Snow packed so hard by snowplow, l broke the shovel.
Thought I was having a heart attack. If I ever catch the son of a
bitch who drives that snowplow, I'll drag him through the snow by his
balls. I know he hides around the corner and waits for me to finish
shoveling and then he comes down the street at a 100 miles an hour
and throws snow all over where I've just been! Tonight the wife
wanted me to sing Christmas carols with her and open our presents,
but I was busy watching for the goddamn snowplow.
December 25: Merry Christmas. 20 more inches of the !=3D@x@!x!x1 slop
tonight. Snowed in. The idea of shoveling makes my blood boil. God I
hate the snow! Then the snowplow driver came by asking for a donation
and I hit him over the head with my shovel.
December 26: Still snowed in. Why the hell did I ever move here? It
was all HER idea. She's really getting on my nerves.
December 28: Warmed up to above -50. Still snowed in. THE BITCH is
driving me crazy!!!
December 29: 10 more inches. Bob says I have to shovel the roof or it
could cave in. That's the silliest thing I ever heard. How dumb does
he think I am?
December 30: Roof caved in. The snow plow driver is suing me for a
million dollars for the bump on his head. The wife went home to her
mother . 9" predicted.
December 31: Set fire to what's left of the house. No more shoveling.
January 8: I feel so good. I just love those little white pills they
keep giving me. Why am I tied to the bed?
Why be scared????
some christmas cracker jokes.....
Q - What is big, grey and wears glass slippers?
A - Cinderelephant
Q - Why did Darth Vader know what Luke Skywalker was getting for Christmas?
A - He felt his presents
Q - What's the difference between snowmen & snowwomen?
A - Snowballs.
Q - What must you know to be an auctioneer?
A - Lots
Q - What is big, grey and wears glass slippers?
A - Cinderelephant
Q - Why did Darth Vader know what Luke Skywalker was getting for Christmas?
A - He felt his presents
Q - What's the difference between snowmen & snowwomen?
A - Snowballs.
Q - What must you know to be an auctioneer?
A - Lots
A young newlywed couple wanted to join a church. The pastor told them,
>"We have special requirements for new parishioners. You must abstain
>from sex for one whole month."
>
> The couple agreed to this and two and a half weeks later they returned
>to the church.
>
>
> When the Pastor ushers them into his office, the wife is crying and the
>husband obviously very depressed "You are back so soon... Is there a
>problem?" the pastor inquired.
>
> "We are terribly ashamed to admit that we did not manage to abstain
>from sex for the required month...." the young man replied sadly.
>
> The pastor asked him what happened.
>
> "Well, the first week was difficult. However, we managed to abstain
>through sheer will-power. The second week was terrible, but with the use
>of prayer, we managed to abstain. However, the third week was
>unbearable.
> We tried cold showers, prayer, reading from the Bible.... anything to
>keep our minds off carnal thoughts. One afternoon, my wife reached for
>a can of paint and dropped it. When she bent over to pick it up, I was
>overcome with lust and had my way with her right then and there."
>admitted the man, shamefacedly.
>
> "You understand this means you will not be welcome in our church,"
> stated the pastor.
>
> "We know" said the young man, hanging his head. "We're not welcome at
>Homebase either."
>
>"We have special requirements for new parishioners. You must abstain
>from sex for one whole month."
>
> The couple agreed to this and two and a half weeks later they returned
>to the church.
>
>
> When the Pastor ushers them into his office, the wife is crying and the
>husband obviously very depressed "You are back so soon... Is there a
>problem?" the pastor inquired.
>
> "We are terribly ashamed to admit that we did not manage to abstain
>from sex for the required month...." the young man replied sadly.
>
> The pastor asked him what happened.
>
> "Well, the first week was difficult. However, we managed to abstain
>through sheer will-power. The second week was terrible, but with the use
>of prayer, we managed to abstain. However, the third week was
>unbearable.
> We tried cold showers, prayer, reading from the Bible.... anything to
>keep our minds off carnal thoughts. One afternoon, my wife reached for
>a can of paint and dropped it. When she bent over to pick it up, I was
>overcome with lust and had my way with her right then and there."
>admitted the man, shamefacedly.
>
> "You understand this means you will not be welcome in our church,"
> stated the pastor.
>
> "We know" said the young man, hanging his head. "We're not welcome at
>Homebase either."
>
Things the movies teach us....
1. If being chased through town, you can usually take cover in a passing St Patrick's Day parade - at any time of the year.
2. All beds have special L-shaped top sheets that reach up to armpit level on a woman but only waist level on the man lying beside her.
3. All grocery shopping bags contain at least one stick of French bread.
4. Once applied, lipstick will never rub off - even while scuba diving.
5. The ventilation system of any building is a perfect hiding place. No one will ever think of looking for you in there and you can travel to
any other part of the building without difficulty.
6. Should you wish to pass yourself off as a German officer, it will not be necessary to speak the language. A German accent will do.
7. The Eiffel Tower can be seen from any window of any building in Paris.
8. A man will show no pain while taking the most ferocious beating but will wince when a woman tries to clean his wounds.
9. When paying for a taxi, never look at your wallet as you take out a note - just grab one at random and hand it over. It will always be the
exact fare.
10. If you lose a hand, it will cause the stump of your arm to grow by 15cm.
11. Mothers routinely cook eggs, bacon and waffles for their family every morning, even though the husband and children never have time to
eat them. The Mother will not be upset by this.
12. Cars and trucks that crash will almost always burst into flames.
13. A single match will be sufficient to light up a room the size of a football stadium.
14. Medieval peasants had perfect teeth.
15. All single women have a cat.
16. Any person waking from a nightmare will sit bolt upright and pant.
17. One man shooting at 20 men has a better chance of killing them all than 20 men firing at one.
18. Creepy music coming from a graveyard should always be closely investigated.
19. Most people keep a scrapbook of newspaper cuttings - especially if any of their family or friends has died in a strange boating accident.
20. It does not matter if you are heavily outnumbered in a fight involving martial arts - your enemies will wait patiently to attack you
one by one by dancing around in a threatening manner until you have knocked out their predecessor.
21. During a very emotional confrontation, instead of facing the person you are speaking to, it is customary to stand behind them and talk to
their back.
22. When you turn out the light to go to bed, everything in your room will still be clearly visible, just slightly bluish.
23. Dogs always know who's bad and will naturally bark at them.
24. When they are alone, all foreigners prefer to speak English to each other.
25. Rather than wasting bullets, megalomaniacs prefer to kill their arch-enemies using complicated machinery involving fuses, pulley
systems, deadly gases, lasers and man eating sharks that will allow their captives at least 20 minutes to escape.
26. Having a job of any kind will make all fathers forget their son's eighth birthday.
27. Many musical instruments - especially wind instruments and accordions - can be played without moving the fingers.
28. All bombs are fitted with electronic timing devices with large red readouts so you know exactly when they're going to go off.
29. It is always possible to park directly outside the building you are visiting.
30. A detective can only solve a case once he has been suspended from duty.
31. If you decide to start dancing in the street, everyone you bump into will know all the steps.
32. If there's a serial killer on the loose, and you hear a suspicious noise outside, it's a good idea to go out to investigate......in your underwear
1. If being chased through town, you can usually take cover in a passing St Patrick's Day parade - at any time of the year.
2. All beds have special L-shaped top sheets that reach up to armpit level on a woman but only waist level on the man lying beside her.
3. All grocery shopping bags contain at least one stick of French bread.
4. Once applied, lipstick will never rub off - even while scuba diving.
5. The ventilation system of any building is a perfect hiding place. No one will ever think of looking for you in there and you can travel to
any other part of the building without difficulty.
6. Should you wish to pass yourself off as a German officer, it will not be necessary to speak the language. A German accent will do.
7. The Eiffel Tower can be seen from any window of any building in Paris.
8. A man will show no pain while taking the most ferocious beating but will wince when a woman tries to clean his wounds.
9. When paying for a taxi, never look at your wallet as you take out a note - just grab one at random and hand it over. It will always be the
exact fare.
10. If you lose a hand, it will cause the stump of your arm to grow by 15cm.
11. Mothers routinely cook eggs, bacon and waffles for their family every morning, even though the husband and children never have time to
eat them. The Mother will not be upset by this.
12. Cars and trucks that crash will almost always burst into flames.
13. A single match will be sufficient to light up a room the size of a football stadium.
14. Medieval peasants had perfect teeth.
15. All single women have a cat.
16. Any person waking from a nightmare will sit bolt upright and pant.
17. One man shooting at 20 men has a better chance of killing them all than 20 men firing at one.
18. Creepy music coming from a graveyard should always be closely investigated.
19. Most people keep a scrapbook of newspaper cuttings - especially if any of their family or friends has died in a strange boating accident.
20. It does not matter if you are heavily outnumbered in a fight involving martial arts - your enemies will wait patiently to attack you
one by one by dancing around in a threatening manner until you have knocked out their predecessor.
21. During a very emotional confrontation, instead of facing the person you are speaking to, it is customary to stand behind them and talk to
their back.
22. When you turn out the light to go to bed, everything in your room will still be clearly visible, just slightly bluish.
23. Dogs always know who's bad and will naturally bark at them.
24. When they are alone, all foreigners prefer to speak English to each other.
25. Rather than wasting bullets, megalomaniacs prefer to kill their arch-enemies using complicated machinery involving fuses, pulley
systems, deadly gases, lasers and man eating sharks that will allow their captives at least 20 minutes to escape.
26. Having a job of any kind will make all fathers forget their son's eighth birthday.
27. Many musical instruments - especially wind instruments and accordions - can be played without moving the fingers.
28. All bombs are fitted with electronic timing devices with large red readouts so you know exactly when they're going to go off.
29. It is always possible to park directly outside the building you are visiting.
30. A detective can only solve a case once he has been suspended from duty.
31. If you decide to start dancing in the street, everyone you bump into will know all the steps.
32. If there's a serial killer on the loose, and you hear a suspicious noise outside, it's a good idea to go out to investigate......in your underwear
German Jokes
Knock, knock.
Who's there?
The police. I'm afraid there's been an accident. Your husband is in hospital.
A man walks into a bar. He is an alcoholic whose drink problem is destroying his family.
Did you hear about the blonde who jumped out off a bridge?
She was clinically depressed and took her own life because of her terribly low self-esteem.
What do you call a cat with no tail?
A manx cat.
Why do undertakers wear ties?
Because their profession is very serious, and it is important that their appearance has a degree of gravitas.
How many electricians does it take to change a light bulb? One.
Two cows are in a field. Suddenly, from behind a bush, a rabbit leaps out and runs away. One cow looks round a bit, eats some grass and then wanders off.
Why are there no aspirin in the jungle?
Because it would not be financially viable to attempt to sell pharmaceuticals in the largely unpopulated rainforest.
Who's there?
The police. I'm afraid there's been an accident. Your husband is in hospital.
A man walks into a bar. He is an alcoholic whose drink problem is destroying his family.
Did you hear about the blonde who jumped out off a bridge?
She was clinically depressed and took her own life because of her terribly low self-esteem.
What do you call a cat with no tail?
A manx cat.
Why do undertakers wear ties?
Because their profession is very serious, and it is important that their appearance has a degree of gravitas.
How many electricians does it take to change a light bulb? One.
Two cows are in a field. Suddenly, from behind a bush, a rabbit leaps out and runs away. One cow looks round a bit, eats some grass and then wanders off.
Why are there no aspirin in the jungle?
Because it would not be financially viable to attempt to sell pharmaceuticals in the largely unpopulated rainforest.
Crap Joke
A couple are going to a fancy dress.
They arrive at the door of the house,
the guy has his girlfriend on his back.
They bang on the door, and the door is opened by the host of the party.
The host asks "Hello Dave, what have you come as?"
Dave still with his girlfriend on his back replies "I've came as a lobster", then looking at his girlfriend he says "and this is Michelle" ....
They arrive at the door of the house,
the guy has his girlfriend on his back.
They bang on the door, and the door is opened by the host of the party.
The host asks "Hello Dave, what have you come as?"
Dave still with his girlfriend on his back replies "I've came as a lobster", then looking at his girlfriend he says "and this is Michelle" ....
"So spin that wheel, cut that pack!
And roll those loaded dice
Bring on the dancing girls,
And put the champagne on ice"
[img]http://www.danasoft.com/sig/ZargonianWolfgang.jpg[/img]
And roll those loaded dice
Bring on the dancing girls,
And put the champagne on ice"
[img]http://www.danasoft.com/sig/ZargonianWolfgang.jpg[/img]
A golden oldie:--
Tony Blair is visiting an Edinburgh hospital. He enters a ward full of patients with no obvious sign of injury or illness and greets one.
The patient replies:
"Fair fa your honest sonsie face,
Great chieftain o the puddin race,
Aboon them a ye take yer place,
Painch, tripe or thairm,
As langs my airm."
Blair is confused, so he just grins and moves on to the next patient.
The patient responds:
"Some hae meat an canna eat,
And some wad eat that want it,
But we hae meat an we can eat,
So let the Lord be thankit."
Even more confused, and his grin now rictus-like, the PM moves on to the next patient, who immediately begins to chant:
"Wee sleekit, cowerin, timrous beasty,
O the panic in thy breasty,
Thou needna start awa sae hastie,
Wi bickering brattle."
Now seriously troubled, Blair turns to the accompanying doctor and asks "Is this a psychiatric ward?"
"Oh no," replies the doctor, "This is the serious Burns unit."
Tony Blair is visiting an Edinburgh hospital. He enters a ward full of patients with no obvious sign of injury or illness and greets one.
The patient replies:
"Fair fa your honest sonsie face,
Great chieftain o the puddin race,
Aboon them a ye take yer place,
Painch, tripe or thairm,
As langs my airm."
Blair is confused, so he just grins and moves on to the next patient.
The patient responds:
"Some hae meat an canna eat,
And some wad eat that want it,
But we hae meat an we can eat,
So let the Lord be thankit."
Even more confused, and his grin now rictus-like, the PM moves on to the next patient, who immediately begins to chant:
"Wee sleekit, cowerin, timrous beasty,
O the panic in thy breasty,
Thou needna start awa sae hastie,
Wi bickering brattle."
Now seriously troubled, Blair turns to the accompanying doctor and asks "Is this a psychiatric ward?"
"Oh no," replies the doctor, "This is the serious Burns unit."
A man wanted to get married. He was having trouble choosing among three likely candidates. He gives each woman a present of $5,000 and watches to see what they do with the money.
The first does a total make over. She goes to a fancy beauty salon, gets her hair done, new make up and buys several new outfits and dresses up very nicely for the man. She tells him that she has done this to be more attractive for him because she loves him so much.
The man was impressed.
The second goes shopping to buy the man gifts. She gets him a new set of golf clubs, some new gizmos for his computer, and some expensive clothes. As she presents these gifts, she tells him that she has spent all the money on him because she loves him so much.
Again, the man is impressed.
The third invests the money in the stock market. She earns several times the $5,000. She gives him back his $5000 and reinvests the remainder in a joint account. She tells him that she wants to save for their future because she loves him so much.
Obviously, the man was impressed.
The man thought for a long time about what each woman had done with the money he'd given her.
Then, he married the one with the biggest boobs
The first does a total make over. She goes to a fancy beauty salon, gets her hair done, new make up and buys several new outfits and dresses up very nicely for the man. She tells him that she has done this to be more attractive for him because she loves him so much.
The man was impressed.
The second goes shopping to buy the man gifts. She gets him a new set of golf clubs, some new gizmos for his computer, and some expensive clothes. As she presents these gifts, she tells him that she has spent all the money on him because she loves him so much.
Again, the man is impressed.
The third invests the money in the stock market. She earns several times the $5,000. She gives him back his $5000 and reinvests the remainder in a joint account. She tells him that she wants to save for their future because she loves him so much.
Obviously, the man was impressed.
The man thought for a long time about what each woman had done with the money he'd given her.
Then, he married the one with the biggest boobs
Garden Grass Snakes (also known as Garter Snakes...
Thamnophissirtalis) can be dangerous... Yes, grass snakes, not
rattlesnakes. Here's why...
A couple in Sweetwater, Texas, had a lot of potted plants. During a
recent cold spell, the wife was bringing a lot of them indoors to protect
them from a possible freeze.
It turned out that a little green garden grass snake was hidden in one of
the plants and when it had warmed up, it slithered out and the wife saw it go under the
sofa. She let out a very loud scream.
The husband (who was taking a shower) ran out into the living room naked
to see what the problem was. She told him there was a snake under the
sofa.
He got down on the floor on his hands and knees to look for it. About
that time the family dog came and cold-nosed him on the behind. He
thought the snake had
bitten him, so he screamed and fell over on the floor.
His wife thought he had a heart attack, so she covered
him up, told him to lie still and called an ambulance .
The attendants rushed in, wouldn't listen to his protests and loaded him
on the stretcher and started carrying him out.
About that time the snake came out from under the sofa
and the Emergency Medical Technician saw it and dropped his end of the
stretcher. That's when the man broke his leg and why he is still in the
hospital.
The wife still had the problem of the snake in the house, so she called
on a neighbor man. He volunteered to capture the snake. He armed himself
with a rolled-up newspaper and began poking under the couch. Soon he
decided it was gone and told the woman, who sat down on the sofa in
relief. But while relaxing, her hand dangled in between the cushions,
where she felt the snake wriggling around. She screamed and fainted,the
snake rushed back under the sofa.
The neighbor man, seeing her lying there passed out,tried to use CPR to revive her.
The neighbor's wife, who had just returned from shopping at the grocery
store, saw her husband's mouth on the woman's mouth and slammed her
husband in the back of the head with a bag of canned goods, knocking him
out and cutting his scalp to a point where it needed stitches.
The noise woke the woman from her dead faint and she
saw her neighbor lying on the floor with his wife
bending over him, so she assumed he had been bitten by
the snake. She went to the kitchen and got a small
bottle of whiskey, and began pouring it down the man's
throat.
By now the police had arrived. They saw the unconscious man, smelled the
whiskey,and assumed that a drunken fight had occurred. They were about to
arrest them all, when the women tried to explain how it all happened over
a little green snake.
The police called an ambulance, which took away the
neighbor and his sobbing wife. The little snake again
crawled out from under the sofa. One of the policemen
drew his gun and fired at it.
He missed the snake and hit the leg of the end table. The table fell over
and the lamp on it shattered and as the bulb broke it started a fire in
the drapes. The other policeman
tried to beat out the flames, and fell through the window into the yard
on top of the family dog who, startled, jumped out and raced into the
street, where an oncoming car swerved to avoid it and smashed into the
parked police car.
Meanwhile, the burning drapes, were seen by the neighbors who called the
fire department. The firemen had started raising the fire ladder when
they were halfway down the street.
The rising ladder tore out the overhead wires and put out the
electricity and disconnected the telephones in a ten-square city block
area (but they did get the house fire out).
Time passed. Both men were discharged from the hospital, the house was
repaired, the dog came home, the police acquired a new car, and all was
right with their world.
A while later they were watching TV and the weatherman
announced a cold snap for that night. The husband asked his wife if she
thought they should bring in their plants for the night.
That's when she shot him.
Thamnophissirtalis) can be dangerous... Yes, grass snakes, not
rattlesnakes. Here's why...
A couple in Sweetwater, Texas, had a lot of potted plants. During a
recent cold spell, the wife was bringing a lot of them indoors to protect
them from a possible freeze.
It turned out that a little green garden grass snake was hidden in one of
the plants and when it had warmed up, it slithered out and the wife saw it go under the
sofa. She let out a very loud scream.
The husband (who was taking a shower) ran out into the living room naked
to see what the problem was. She told him there was a snake under the
sofa.
He got down on the floor on his hands and knees to look for it. About
that time the family dog came and cold-nosed him on the behind. He
thought the snake had
bitten him, so he screamed and fell over on the floor.
His wife thought he had a heart attack, so she covered
him up, told him to lie still and called an ambulance .
The attendants rushed in, wouldn't listen to his protests and loaded him
on the stretcher and started carrying him out.
About that time the snake came out from under the sofa
and the Emergency Medical Technician saw it and dropped his end of the
stretcher. That's when the man broke his leg and why he is still in the
hospital.
The wife still had the problem of the snake in the house, so she called
on a neighbor man. He volunteered to capture the snake. He armed himself
with a rolled-up newspaper and began poking under the couch. Soon he
decided it was gone and told the woman, who sat down on the sofa in
relief. But while relaxing, her hand dangled in between the cushions,
where she felt the snake wriggling around. She screamed and fainted,the
snake rushed back under the sofa.
The neighbor man, seeing her lying there passed out,tried to use CPR to revive her.
The neighbor's wife, who had just returned from shopping at the grocery
store, saw her husband's mouth on the woman's mouth and slammed her
husband in the back of the head with a bag of canned goods, knocking him
out and cutting his scalp to a point where it needed stitches.
The noise woke the woman from her dead faint and she
saw her neighbor lying on the floor with his wife
bending over him, so she assumed he had been bitten by
the snake. She went to the kitchen and got a small
bottle of whiskey, and began pouring it down the man's
throat.
By now the police had arrived. They saw the unconscious man, smelled the
whiskey,and assumed that a drunken fight had occurred. They were about to
arrest them all, when the women tried to explain how it all happened over
a little green snake.
The police called an ambulance, which took away the
neighbor and his sobbing wife. The little snake again
crawled out from under the sofa. One of the policemen
drew his gun and fired at it.
He missed the snake and hit the leg of the end table. The table fell over
and the lamp on it shattered and as the bulb broke it started a fire in
the drapes. The other policeman
tried to beat out the flames, and fell through the window into the yard
on top of the family dog who, startled, jumped out and raced into the
street, where an oncoming car swerved to avoid it and smashed into the
parked police car.
Meanwhile, the burning drapes, were seen by the neighbors who called the
fire department. The firemen had started raising the fire ladder when
they were halfway down the street.
The rising ladder tore out the overhead wires and put out the
electricity and disconnected the telephones in a ten-square city block
area (but they did get the house fire out).
Time passed. Both men were discharged from the hospital, the house was
repaired, the dog came home, the police acquired a new car, and all was
right with their world.
A while later they were watching TV and the weatherman
announced a cold snap for that night. The husband asked his wife if she
thought they should bring in their plants for the night.
That's when she shot him.
Why be scared????
It's a very entertaining story but SNOPES take on it is quite interesting as well
http://tinyurl.com/8sf8v
http://tinyurl.com/8sf8v
Andy Knight
Fear knocks at the door, knowledge answers and finds nothing.
Fear knocks at the door, knowledge answers and finds nothing.
Don't worry. It's not the first time it's happened and it won't be the last. Whenever it comes to the Internet ,always have a large pinch of salt to hand. It's just a pity that all the e-mails asking me to help move millions of dollars to a nice safe haven were real 
Andy Knight
Fear knocks at the door, knowledge answers and finds nothing.
Fear knocks at the door, knowledge answers and finds nothing.
FEMALE PRAYER
Before I lay me down to sleep,
I pray for a man, who's not a creep,
One who's handsome, smart and strong
One who loves to listen long,
One who thinks before he speaks,
One who'll call, not wait for weeks.
I pray he's gainfully employed,
When I spend his cash, won't be annoyed.
Pulls out my chair and opens my door,
Massages my back and begs to do more,
Oh! Send me a man who'll make love to my mind,
Knows the answer to "how big is my behind?"
I pray that this man will love me to no end,
and always be my very best friend.
Amen.
MALE PRAYER
I pray for a deaf mute nymphomaniac with big jugs who owns a bar, a
Ferrari and a fishing boat. This doesn't rhyme and I don't give a toss.
Before I lay me down to sleep,
I pray for a man, who's not a creep,
One who's handsome, smart and strong
One who loves to listen long,
One who thinks before he speaks,
One who'll call, not wait for weeks.
I pray he's gainfully employed,
When I spend his cash, won't be annoyed.
Pulls out my chair and opens my door,
Massages my back and begs to do more,
Oh! Send me a man who'll make love to my mind,
Knows the answer to "how big is my behind?"
I pray that this man will love me to no end,
and always be my very best friend.
Amen.
MALE PRAYER
I pray for a deaf mute nymphomaniac with big jugs who owns a bar, a
Ferrari and a fishing boat. This doesn't rhyme and I don't give a toss.
Andy Knight
Fear knocks at the door, knowledge answers and finds nothing.
Fear knocks at the door, knowledge answers and finds nothing.
Politically Correct Expressions
HOW TO SPEAK ABOUT WOMEN AND BE POLITICALLY CORRECT:
1. She is not a "BABE" or a "CHICK" - She is a "BREASTED AMERICAN."
2. She is not a "SCREAMER" or a "MOANER" - She is "VOCALLY APPRECIATIVE."
3. She is not "EASY" - She is "HORIZONTALLY ACCESSIBLE."
4. She is not a "DUMB BLONDE" - She is a "LIGHT-HAIRED DETOUR OFF THE INFORMATION SUPERHIGHWAY."
5. She has not "BEEN AROUND" - She is a "PREVIOUSLY-ENJOYED COMPANION."
6. She is not an "AIRHEAD" - She is "REALITY IMPAIRED."
7. She does not get "DRUNK" or "TIPSY" - She gets "CHEMICALLY INCONVENIENCED"
8. She does not have "BREAST IMPLANTS" - She is "MEDICALLY ENHANCED."
9. She does not "NAG" you - She becomes "VERBALLY REPETITIVE."
10. She is not a "TRAMP" - She is "SEXUALLY EXTROVERTED."
11. She does not have "MAJOR LEAGUE HOOTERS" - She is "PECTORALLY SUPERIOR."
12. She is not a "TWO-BIT HOOKER" - She is a "LOW COST PROVIDER."
HOW TO SPEAK ABOUT MEN AND BE POLITICALLY CORRECT:
1. He does not have a "BEER GUT" - He has developed a "LIQUID GRAIN STORAGE FACILITY."
2. He is not a "BAD DANCER" - He is "OVERLY CAUCASIAN."
3. He does not "GET LOST ALL THE TIME" - He "INVESTIGATES ALTERNATIVE DESTINATIONS."
4. He is not "BALDING" - He is in "FOLLICLE REGRESSION."
5. He is not a "CRADLE ROBBER" - He prefers "GENERATIONAL DIFFERENTIAL RELATIONSHIPS."
6. He does not get "FALLING-DOWN DRUNK" - He becomes "ACCIDENTALLY HORIZONTAL."
7. He does not act like a "TOTAL ASS" - He develops a case of RECTAL-CRANIAL INVERSION."
8. He is not a "MALE CHAUVINIST PIG" - He has "SWINE EMPATHY."
9. He is not afraid of "COMMITMENT" - He is "RELATIONSHIP CHALLENGED."
10. He is not "HORNY" - He is "SEXUALLY FOCUSED."
11. It's not his "CRACK" you see hanging out of his pants - It's "REAR CLEAVAGE
1. She is not a "BABE" or a "CHICK" - She is a "BREASTED AMERICAN."
2. She is not a "SCREAMER" or a "MOANER" - She is "VOCALLY APPRECIATIVE."
3. She is not "EASY" - She is "HORIZONTALLY ACCESSIBLE."
4. She is not a "DUMB BLONDE" - She is a "LIGHT-HAIRED DETOUR OFF THE INFORMATION SUPERHIGHWAY."
5. She has not "BEEN AROUND" - She is a "PREVIOUSLY-ENJOYED COMPANION."
6. She is not an "AIRHEAD" - She is "REALITY IMPAIRED."
7. She does not get "DRUNK" or "TIPSY" - She gets "CHEMICALLY INCONVENIENCED"
8. She does not have "BREAST IMPLANTS" - She is "MEDICALLY ENHANCED."
9. She does not "NAG" you - She becomes "VERBALLY REPETITIVE."
10. She is not a "TRAMP" - She is "SEXUALLY EXTROVERTED."
11. She does not have "MAJOR LEAGUE HOOTERS" - She is "PECTORALLY SUPERIOR."
12. She is not a "TWO-BIT HOOKER" - She is a "LOW COST PROVIDER."
HOW TO SPEAK ABOUT MEN AND BE POLITICALLY CORRECT:
1. He does not have a "BEER GUT" - He has developed a "LIQUID GRAIN STORAGE FACILITY."
2. He is not a "BAD DANCER" - He is "OVERLY CAUCASIAN."
3. He does not "GET LOST ALL THE TIME" - He "INVESTIGATES ALTERNATIVE DESTINATIONS."
4. He is not "BALDING" - He is in "FOLLICLE REGRESSION."
5. He is not a "CRADLE ROBBER" - He prefers "GENERATIONAL DIFFERENTIAL RELATIONSHIPS."
6. He does not get "FALLING-DOWN DRUNK" - He becomes "ACCIDENTALLY HORIZONTAL."
7. He does not act like a "TOTAL ASS" - He develops a case of RECTAL-CRANIAL INVERSION."
8. He is not a "MALE CHAUVINIST PIG" - He has "SWINE EMPATHY."
9. He is not afraid of "COMMITMENT" - He is "RELATIONSHIP CHALLENGED."
10. He is not "HORNY" - He is "SEXUALLY FOCUSED."
11. It's not his "CRACK" you see hanging out of his pants - It's "REAR CLEAVAGE
Andy Knight
Fear knocks at the door, knowledge answers and finds nothing.
Fear knocks at the door, knowledge answers and finds nothing.
Things to ponder
--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
Who was the first person to look at a cow and say, "I think I'll squeeze these dangly things here, and drink whatever comes out?"
Who was the first person to say, "See that chicken there? I'm gonna eat the next thing that comes outta its butt."
Why is there a light in the fridge and not in the freezer?
If Jimmy cracks corn and no one cares, why is there a song about him?
Can a hearse carrying a corpse drive in the carpool lane?
Why do people point to their wrist when asking for the time, but they don't point to their crotch when they ask where the bathroom is?
Why does your OB-GYN leave the room when you get undressed if they are going to look up there anyway?
Why does Goofy stand erect while Pluto remains on all fours? They're both dogs!
If Wile E. Coyote had enough money to buy all that Acme crap, why didn't he just buy dinner?
If quizzes are quizzical, what are tests?
If corn oil is made from corn, and vegetable oil is made from vegetables, then what is baby oil made from?
If electricity comes from electrons, does morality come from morons?
Why do the Alphabet song and Twinkle, Twinkle Little Star have the same tune?
Stop singing and read on..........
Do illiterate people get the full effect of Alphabet Soup?
Did you ever notice that when you blow in a dog's face, he gets mad at you, but when you take him on a car ride, he sticks his head out the window?
Does pushing the elevator button more than once really make it arrive faster?
--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
Who was the first person to look at a cow and say, "I think I'll squeeze these dangly things here, and drink whatever comes out?"
Who was the first person to say, "See that chicken there? I'm gonna eat the next thing that comes outta its butt."
Why is there a light in the fridge and not in the freezer?
If Jimmy cracks corn and no one cares, why is there a song about him?
Can a hearse carrying a corpse drive in the carpool lane?
Why do people point to their wrist when asking for the time, but they don't point to their crotch when they ask where the bathroom is?
Why does your OB-GYN leave the room when you get undressed if they are going to look up there anyway?
Why does Goofy stand erect while Pluto remains on all fours? They're both dogs!
If Wile E. Coyote had enough money to buy all that Acme crap, why didn't he just buy dinner?
If quizzes are quizzical, what are tests?
If corn oil is made from corn, and vegetable oil is made from vegetables, then what is baby oil made from?
If electricity comes from electrons, does morality come from morons?
Why do the Alphabet song and Twinkle, Twinkle Little Star have the same tune?
Stop singing and read on..........
Do illiterate people get the full effect of Alphabet Soup?
Did you ever notice that when you blow in a dog's face, he gets mad at you, but when you take him on a car ride, he sticks his head out the window?
Does pushing the elevator button more than once really make it arrive faster?
Why be scared????
One afternoon a wealthy lawyer was in his shiny limousine when he saw two
men along the roadside eating grass. Disturbed, he ordered his driver to
stop and investigate the situation.
He asked "Why are you eating grass?"
"We don't have any money for food," the poor man replied. "We have to eat
grass."
The lawyer said, "Well, then, you can come with me to my house and I'll feed
you!"
"But sir, I have a wife and two children with me."
"Bring them along, the lawyer replied.
Turning to the other poor man he said, "You come with us, too."
The second man said, "But sir, I also have a wife and SIX children with me!"
"Bring them all!" the lawyer answered.
Once underway, one of the poor fellows turned to the lawyer and said,
"Sir, you are too kind. Thank you for taking all of us with you."
The lawyer replied,
"Glad to do it. You'll really love my place, the grass is almost a foot
high!"
men along the roadside eating grass. Disturbed, he ordered his driver to
stop and investigate the situation.
He asked "Why are you eating grass?"
"We don't have any money for food," the poor man replied. "We have to eat
grass."
The lawyer said, "Well, then, you can come with me to my house and I'll feed
you!"
"But sir, I have a wife and two children with me."
"Bring them along, the lawyer replied.
Turning to the other poor man he said, "You come with us, too."
The second man said, "But sir, I also have a wife and SIX children with me!"
"Bring them all!" the lawyer answered.
Once underway, one of the poor fellows turned to the lawyer and said,
"Sir, you are too kind. Thank you for taking all of us with you."
The lawyer replied,
"Glad to do it. You'll really love my place, the grass is almost a foot
high!"
-
sunnyporty
- Posts: 52
- Joined: 18 Jan 2006, 17:26
joke
A bear ,a lion and a chicken sittin talkin about who is the hardest.
The bear says '' When I growl the whole forest trembles''.
The Lion says ''When i roar the whole jungle shakes with fear.''
The Chicken says ''All I have to do is cough and the whole f****** world s***s itself
The bear says '' When I growl the whole forest trembles''.
The Lion says ''When i roar the whole jungle shakes with fear.''
The Chicken says ''All I have to do is cough and the whole f****** world s***s itself
theres no such thing as bad weather only the wrong clothes
-
sunnyporty
- Posts: 52
- Joined: 18 Jan 2006, 17:26
Mr CADBURY met Ms ROWNTREE in a room on QUALITY STREET, it was AFTER 8. He turned out the light for a little BLACK MAGIC! He slipped his hand in her SNICKERS and showed her his CURLEY WURLEY. Not keen to have any JELLY BABIES she let him take a trip up BOURNEVILLE BOULEVARD. She screamed with TURKISH DELIGHT! as he took out his Fun Sized MARS BAR, it felt a bit CRUNCHIE and she wanted some TIME OUT but he did a TWIRL and had a PICNIC in her PINK WAFERS! 
theres no such thing as bad weather only the wrong clothes
-
sunnyporty
- Posts: 52
- Joined: 18 Jan 2006, 17:26
Do you want the bad news or the terrible news first
The phone rings and the lady of the house answers, "Hello".
>"Mrs. Ward, please."
>"Speaking."
>
>"Mrs. Ward, this is Doctor Jones at the Medical Testing Laboratory.
>When your doctor sent your husband's biopsy to the lab yesterday, a
>biopsy from another Mr. Ward arrived as well and we are now uncertain
>which one is your husband's. Frankly the results are either bad or
>terrible."
>
>"What do you mean?" Mrs. Ward asks nervously.
>
>"Well, one of the specimens tested positive for Alzheimer's and the other one tested positive for AIDS. We can't tell which is your husband's."
>
>"That's dreadful! Can't you do the test again?" questioned Mrs. Ward.
>
>"Normally we can, but Medicare will only pay for these expensive tests
>one time."
>
>"Well, what am I supposed to do now?"
>
>"The people at Medicare recommend that you drop your husband off
>somewhere in the middle of town. If he finds his way home, don't sleep with him."
>"Mrs. Ward, please."
>"Speaking."
>
>"Mrs. Ward, this is Doctor Jones at the Medical Testing Laboratory.
>When your doctor sent your husband's biopsy to the lab yesterday, a
>biopsy from another Mr. Ward arrived as well and we are now uncertain
>which one is your husband's. Frankly the results are either bad or
>terrible."
>
>"What do you mean?" Mrs. Ward asks nervously.
>
>"Well, one of the specimens tested positive for Alzheimer's and the other one tested positive for AIDS. We can't tell which is your husband's."
>
>"That's dreadful! Can't you do the test again?" questioned Mrs. Ward.
>
>"Normally we can, but Medicare will only pay for these expensive tests
>one time."
>
>"Well, what am I supposed to do now?"
>
>"The people at Medicare recommend that you drop your husband off
>somewhere in the middle of town. If he finds his way home, don't sleep with him."
Water - It's true!
--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
It has been scientifically proven that if we drink 1 litre of water each day, at the end of the year we would have absorbed more than 1 kilo of escherichia coli bacteria found in faeces, in other words, we are consuming 1 kilo of shit.
However, we do not run that risk when drinking rum, whiskey, beer or other liquors because alcohol has to go through a distillation process of boiling, filtering and fermenting.
It is my duty to communicate to all of you people who are drinking water, to STOP doing so, it has been scientifically proven that it is UNHEALTHY
and BAD for you.
WATER = SHIT
ALCOHOL = HEALTH
Free yourself of SHIT, drink ALCOHOL!!!
It is better to drink alcohol and talk shit than to drink water and be full of shit.
HERE ENDITH THE LESSON
--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
It has been scientifically proven that if we drink 1 litre of water each day, at the end of the year we would have absorbed more than 1 kilo of escherichia coli bacteria found in faeces, in other words, we are consuming 1 kilo of shit.
However, we do not run that risk when drinking rum, whiskey, beer or other liquors because alcohol has to go through a distillation process of boiling, filtering and fermenting.
It is my duty to communicate to all of you people who are drinking water, to STOP doing so, it has been scientifically proven that it is UNHEALTHY
and BAD for you.
WATER = SHIT
ALCOHOL = HEALTH
Free yourself of SHIT, drink ALCOHOL!!!
It is better to drink alcohol and talk shit than to drink water and be full of shit.
HERE ENDITH THE LESSON
Why be scared????
-
Cleopas
-
Cleopas
This thread must've (note; not must of!) been hidden away on page 15 I think. No wonder I didn't see it before. My eyesight only works so far and about page 9 it blurs up.
Thank you for resurrecting the thread and putting the joke in the right place. You're a gentleman! (Or a lady! Wouldn't want to upset anyone!)
Thank you for resurrecting the thread and putting the joke in the right place. You're a gentleman! (Or a lady! Wouldn't want to upset anyone!)
THE CAT'S TOY!!
THE CAT'S TOY!!
Cat Lover or Not, this is hysterical!
We've all had trouble with our animals, but I don't think anyone can
top this one:
Calling in sick to work makes me uncomfortable.
No matter how legitimate my excuse, I always get the feeling that my
boss thinks I'm lying.
On one recent occasion, I had a valid reason but lied anyway, because
the truth was just too darned humiliating. I simply mentioned that I
had sustained a head injury, and I hoped I would feel up to coming in
the next day. By then, I reasoned, I could think up a doozy to explain
the bandage on the top of my head. The accident occurred mainly
because I had giv! en in to my wife's wishes to adopt a cute little
kitty.
Initially, the new acquisition was no problem.
Then one morning, I was taking my shower after breakfast when I heard
my wife, Deb, call out to me from the kitchen.
"Honey! The garbage disposal is dead again. Please come reset it."
"You know where the button is," I protested through the shower pitter-patter
and steam. "Reset it yourself!"
"But I'm scared!" she persisted. "What if it starts going and sucks
me in?" There was a meaningful pause and then, "C'mon, it'll only take
you a second."
So out I came, dripping wet and butt naked, hoping that my silent
outraged nudity would make a statement about how I perceived her
behavior as extremely cowardly.
Sighing loudly, I squatted down and stuck my head under the sink to
find the button. It is the last action I remember performing.
It struck without warning, and without any respect to my
circumstances. No, it wasn't the hexed disposal, drawing me into its
gnashing metal teeth. It was our new kitty, who discovered the
fascinating dangling objects she spied hanging between my legs. She
had been poised around the corner and stalked me as I reached under
the sink. And, at the precise moment when I was most vulnerable, she
leapt at the toys I unwittingly offered and snagged them with her
needle-like claws. I lost all rational thought to control orderly
bodily movements, blindly rising at a violent rate of speed, with the
full weight of a kitten hanging from my masculine region.
Wild animals are sometimes faced with a "fight or flight" syndrome.
Men, in this predicament, choose only the "flight" option. I know this
from experience. I was fleeing straight up into the air when the sink
and cabinet bluntly and forcefully impeded my ascent.
The impact knocked me out cold.
When I awoke, my wife and the paramedics stood
over me. Now there are not many things in this life worse than
finding oneself lying on the kitchen floor butt naked in front of a
group of "been-there, done-that" paramedics. Even worse, having been
fully briefed by my wife, the paramedics were all snorting loudly as
they tried to conduct their work, all the while trying to suppress
their hysterical laughter......and not succeeding.
Somehow I lived through it all. A few days later I finally made it
back into the office, where colleagues tried to coax an explanation
out of me about my head injury. I kept silent, claiming it was too
painful to talk about, which it was. "What's the matter?" They all
asked, "Cat got your tongue?" If they only knew!
Why is it that only the women laugh at this?
Cat Lover or Not, this is hysterical!
We've all had trouble with our animals, but I don't think anyone can
top this one:
Calling in sick to work makes me uncomfortable.
No matter how legitimate my excuse, I always get the feeling that my
boss thinks I'm lying.
On one recent occasion, I had a valid reason but lied anyway, because
the truth was just too darned humiliating. I simply mentioned that I
had sustained a head injury, and I hoped I would feel up to coming in
the next day. By then, I reasoned, I could think up a doozy to explain
the bandage on the top of my head. The accident occurred mainly
because I had giv! en in to my wife's wishes to adopt a cute little
kitty.
Initially, the new acquisition was no problem.
Then one morning, I was taking my shower after breakfast when I heard
my wife, Deb, call out to me from the kitchen.
"Honey! The garbage disposal is dead again. Please come reset it."
"You know where the button is," I protested through the shower pitter-patter
and steam. "Reset it yourself!"
"But I'm scared!" she persisted. "What if it starts going and sucks
me in?" There was a meaningful pause and then, "C'mon, it'll only take
you a second."
So out I came, dripping wet and butt naked, hoping that my silent
outraged nudity would make a statement about how I perceived her
behavior as extremely cowardly.
Sighing loudly, I squatted down and stuck my head under the sink to
find the button. It is the last action I remember performing.
It struck without warning, and without any respect to my
circumstances. No, it wasn't the hexed disposal, drawing me into its
gnashing metal teeth. It was our new kitty, who discovered the
fascinating dangling objects she spied hanging between my legs. She
had been poised around the corner and stalked me as I reached under
the sink. And, at the precise moment when I was most vulnerable, she
leapt at the toys I unwittingly offered and snagged them with her
needle-like claws. I lost all rational thought to control orderly
bodily movements, blindly rising at a violent rate of speed, with the
full weight of a kitten hanging from my masculine region.
Wild animals are sometimes faced with a "fight or flight" syndrome.
Men, in this predicament, choose only the "flight" option. I know this
from experience. I was fleeing straight up into the air when the sink
and cabinet bluntly and forcefully impeded my ascent.
The impact knocked me out cold.
When I awoke, my wife and the paramedics stood
over me. Now there are not many things in this life worse than
finding oneself lying on the kitchen floor butt naked in front of a
group of "been-there, done-that" paramedics. Even worse, having been
fully briefed by my wife, the paramedics were all snorting loudly as
they tried to conduct their work, all the while trying to suppress
their hysterical laughter......and not succeeding.
Somehow I lived through it all. A few days later I finally made it
back into the office, where colleagues tried to coax an explanation
out of me about my head injury. I kept silent, claiming it was too
painful to talk about, which it was. "What's the matter?" They all
asked, "Cat got your tongue?" If they only knew!
Why is it that only the women laugh at this?
Andy Knight
Fear knocks at the door, knowledge answers and finds nothing.
Fear knocks at the door, knowledge answers and finds nothing.
