This is a true story, indicating how fascinating the mind of a
six year old is. They think so logically.
A teacher was reading the story of the Three Little Pigs to her
class. She came to the part of the story where the first pig
was trying to gather the building materials for his home.
She read, "and so the pig went up to the man with the
wheelbarrow full of straw and said: "Pardon me sir, but may I have some of that straw to build my house?"
The teacher paused then asked the class:
"And what do you think the man said?"
One little boy raised his hand and said very matter-of-factly,
I think the man would have said: "Well, f*ck me! A talking
pig!""
The teacher was unable to teach for the next 10 minutes.
Only Good Jokes Here!
Corporate Lesson 1:
A man is getting into the shower just as his wife is finishing up her
shower, when the doorbell rings.
The wife quickly wraps herself in a towel and runs downstairs.
When she opens the door, there stands Bob, the next door neighbour.
Before she says a word, Bob says, "I'll give you $800 to drop that
towel,"
After thinking for a moment, the woman drops her towel and stands naked
in front of Bob.
After a few seconds, Bob hands her $800 dollars and leaves.
The woman wraps back up in the towel and goes back upstairs.
When she gets to the bathroom, her husband asks, "Who was that?"
"It was Bob the next door neighbour," she replies.
"Great!" the husband says, "did he say anything about the $800 he owes
me?"
Moral of the story: If you share critical information pertaining to
credit and risk with your shareholders in time, you may be in a
position
to prevent avoidable exposure.
Corporate Lesson 2:
A priest offered a lift to a Nun.
She got in and crossed her legs, forcing her gown to reveal a leg.
The priest nearly had an accident. After controlling the car, he
stealthily slid his hand up her leg.
The nun said, "Father, remember Psalm 129?"
The priest removed his hand.
But, changing gears, he let his hand slide up her leg again.
The nun once again said, "Father, remember Psalm 129?"
The priest apologized "Sorry sister but the flesh is weak."
Arriving at the convent, the nun went on her way.
On his arrival at the church, the priest rushed to look up Psalm 129.
It said, "Go forth and seek, further up, you will find glory."
Moral of the story: If you are not well informed in your job, you might
miss a great opportunity.
Corporate Lesson 3:
A sales rep, an administration clerk, and the manager are walking to
lunch when they find an antique oil lamp.
They rub it and a Genie comes out.
The Genie says, "I'll give each of you just one wish."
"Me first! Me first!" says the admin. clerk.
"I want to be in the Bahamas, driving a speedboat, without a care in
the
world." Poof! She's gone.
"Me next! Me next!" says the sales rep. "I want to be in Hawaii,
relaxing on the beach with my personal masseuse, an endless supply of
Pine Coladas and the love of my life." Poof! He's gone.
"OK, you're up," the Genie says to the manager.
The manager says, "I want those two back in the office after lunch."
Moral of the story: Always let your boss have the first say.
Corporate Lesson 4:
A crow was sitting on a tree, doing nothing all day.
A rabbit asked him, "Can I also sit like you and do nothing all day
long?"
The crow answered: "Sure, why not."
So, the rabbit sat on the ground below the crow, and rested.
A fox jumped on the rabbit and ate it.
Moral of the story: To be sitting and doing nothing, you must be
sitting
very high up.
Corporate Lesson 5:
A turkey was chatting with a bull.
"I would love to be able to Get to the top of that tree," sighed the
turkey, but I haven't got the energy."
"Well, why don't you nibble on my droppings?" replied the bull.
"They're
packed with nutrients."
The turkey pecked at a lump of dung and found that it gave him enough
strength to reach the lowest branch of the tree.
The next day, after eating some more dung, he reached the second
branch.
Finally after a fourth night, there he was proudly perched at the top
of
the tree.
Soon he was spotted by a farmer, who shot the turkey out of the tree.
Moral of the story: Bullsh*t might get you to the top, but it won't
keep
you there.
A man is getting into the shower just as his wife is finishing up her
shower, when the doorbell rings.
The wife quickly wraps herself in a towel and runs downstairs.
When she opens the door, there stands Bob, the next door neighbour.
Before she says a word, Bob says, "I'll give you $800 to drop that
towel,"
After thinking for a moment, the woman drops her towel and stands naked
in front of Bob.
After a few seconds, Bob hands her $800 dollars and leaves.
The woman wraps back up in the towel and goes back upstairs.
When she gets to the bathroom, her husband asks, "Who was that?"
"It was Bob the next door neighbour," she replies.
"Great!" the husband says, "did he say anything about the $800 he owes
me?"
Moral of the story: If you share critical information pertaining to
credit and risk with your shareholders in time, you may be in a
position
to prevent avoidable exposure.
Corporate Lesson 2:
A priest offered a lift to a Nun.
She got in and crossed her legs, forcing her gown to reveal a leg.
The priest nearly had an accident. After controlling the car, he
stealthily slid his hand up her leg.
The nun said, "Father, remember Psalm 129?"
The priest removed his hand.
But, changing gears, he let his hand slide up her leg again.
The nun once again said, "Father, remember Psalm 129?"
The priest apologized "Sorry sister but the flesh is weak."
Arriving at the convent, the nun went on her way.
On his arrival at the church, the priest rushed to look up Psalm 129.
It said, "Go forth and seek, further up, you will find glory."
Moral of the story: If you are not well informed in your job, you might
miss a great opportunity.
Corporate Lesson 3:
A sales rep, an administration clerk, and the manager are walking to
lunch when they find an antique oil lamp.
They rub it and a Genie comes out.
The Genie says, "I'll give each of you just one wish."
"Me first! Me first!" says the admin. clerk.
"I want to be in the Bahamas, driving a speedboat, without a care in
the
world." Poof! She's gone.
"Me next! Me next!" says the sales rep. "I want to be in Hawaii,
relaxing on the beach with my personal masseuse, an endless supply of
Pine Coladas and the love of my life." Poof! He's gone.
"OK, you're up," the Genie says to the manager.
The manager says, "I want those two back in the office after lunch."
Moral of the story: Always let your boss have the first say.
Corporate Lesson 4:
A crow was sitting on a tree, doing nothing all day.
A rabbit asked him, "Can I also sit like you and do nothing all day
long?"
The crow answered: "Sure, why not."
So, the rabbit sat on the ground below the crow, and rested.
A fox jumped on the rabbit and ate it.
Moral of the story: To be sitting and doing nothing, you must be
sitting
very high up.
Corporate Lesson 5:
A turkey was chatting with a bull.
"I would love to be able to Get to the top of that tree," sighed the
turkey, but I haven't got the energy."
"Well, why don't you nibble on my droppings?" replied the bull.
"They're
packed with nutrients."
The turkey pecked at a lump of dung and found that it gave him enough
strength to reach the lowest branch of the tree.
The next day, after eating some more dung, he reached the second
branch.
Finally after a fourth night, there he was proudly perched at the top
of
the tree.
Soon he was spotted by a farmer, who shot the turkey out of the tree.
Moral of the story: Bullsh*t might get you to the top, but it won't
keep
you there.
Drinking
"Sometimes when I reflect back on all the beer I drink I feel shamed. Then
I look into the glass and think about the workers in the brewery and all of
their hopes and dreams If I didn't drink this beer, they might be out of
work and their dreams would be shattered. Then I say to myself, "It is
better that I drink this beer and let their dreams come true than be
selfish and worry about my liver."
~ Jack Handy
WARNING: The consumption of alcohol may leave you wondering what the hell
happened to your bra and panties.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
"I feel sorry for people who don't drink. When they wake up in the morning,
that's as good as they're going to feel all day. "
~Frank Sinatra
WARNING: The consumption of alcohol may create the illusion that you are
tougher, smarter, faster and better looking than most people.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
"When I read about the evils of drinking, I gave up reading."
~ Henny Youngman
WARNING: The consumption of alcohol may lead you to think people are
laughing WITH you.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
"24 hours in a day, 24 beers in a case. Coincidence? I think not."
~ Stephen Wright
WARNING: The consumption of alcohol may cause you to think you can sing.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
"When we drink, we get drunk. When we get drunk, we fall asleep. When we
fall asleep, we commit no sin. When we commit no sin, we go to heaven. So,
let's all get drunk and go to heaven!"
~ Brian O'Rourke
WARNING: The consumption of alcohol may cause pregnancy.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
"Beer is proof that God loves us and wants us to be happy."
~ Benjamin Franklin
WARNING: The consumption of alcohol is a major factor in dancing like a
retard.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
"Without question, the greatest invention in the history of mankind is
beer. Oh, I grant you that the wheel was also a fine invention, but the
wheel does not go nearly as well with pizza."
~ Dave Barry
WARNING: The consumption of alcohol may cause you to tell your friends over
and over again that you love them.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
To some it's a six-pack, to me it's a Support Group. Salvation in a can!
~ Dave Howell
WARNING: The consumption of alcohol may make you think you can logically
converse with members of the opposite sex without spitting.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
And saving the best for last, as explained by Cliff Clavin, of Cheers. One
afternoon at Cheers, Cliff Clavin was explaining the Buffalo Theory to his
buddy Norm. Here's how it went:
"Well ya see, Norm, it's like this... A herd of buffalo can only move as
fast as the slowest buffalo. And when the herd is hunted, it is the slowest
and weakest ones at the back that are killed first This natural selection
is good for the herd as a whole, because the general speed and health of
the whole group keeps improving by the regular killing of the weakest
members. In much the same way, the human brain can only operate as fast as
the slowest brain cells. Excessive intake of alcohol, as we know, kills
brain cells. But naturally, it attacks the slowest and weakest brain cells
first. In this way, regular consumption of beer eliminates the weaker brain
cells, making the brain a faster and more efficient machine. That's why you
always feel smarter after a few beers."
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
WARNING: The consumption of alcohol may make you think you are whispering
when you are not.
--
Virus scanned by Lumison.
I look into the glass and think about the workers in the brewery and all of
their hopes and dreams If I didn't drink this beer, they might be out of
work and their dreams would be shattered. Then I say to myself, "It is
better that I drink this beer and let their dreams come true than be
selfish and worry about my liver."
~ Jack Handy
WARNING: The consumption of alcohol may leave you wondering what the hell
happened to your bra and panties.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
"I feel sorry for people who don't drink. When they wake up in the morning,
that's as good as they're going to feel all day. "
~Frank Sinatra
WARNING: The consumption of alcohol may create the illusion that you are
tougher, smarter, faster and better looking than most people.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
"When I read about the evils of drinking, I gave up reading."
~ Henny Youngman
WARNING: The consumption of alcohol may lead you to think people are
laughing WITH you.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
"24 hours in a day, 24 beers in a case. Coincidence? I think not."
~ Stephen Wright
WARNING: The consumption of alcohol may cause you to think you can sing.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
"When we drink, we get drunk. When we get drunk, we fall asleep. When we
fall asleep, we commit no sin. When we commit no sin, we go to heaven. So,
let's all get drunk and go to heaven!"
~ Brian O'Rourke
WARNING: The consumption of alcohol may cause pregnancy.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
"Beer is proof that God loves us and wants us to be happy."
~ Benjamin Franklin
WARNING: The consumption of alcohol is a major factor in dancing like a
retard.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
"Without question, the greatest invention in the history of mankind is
beer. Oh, I grant you that the wheel was also a fine invention, but the
wheel does not go nearly as well with pizza."
~ Dave Barry
WARNING: The consumption of alcohol may cause you to tell your friends over
and over again that you love them.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
To some it's a six-pack, to me it's a Support Group. Salvation in a can!
~ Dave Howell
WARNING: The consumption of alcohol may make you think you can logically
converse with members of the opposite sex without spitting.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
And saving the best for last, as explained by Cliff Clavin, of Cheers. One
afternoon at Cheers, Cliff Clavin was explaining the Buffalo Theory to his
buddy Norm. Here's how it went:
"Well ya see, Norm, it's like this... A herd of buffalo can only move as
fast as the slowest buffalo. And when the herd is hunted, it is the slowest
and weakest ones at the back that are killed first This natural selection
is good for the herd as a whole, because the general speed and health of
the whole group keeps improving by the regular killing of the weakest
members. In much the same way, the human brain can only operate as fast as
the slowest brain cells. Excessive intake of alcohol, as we know, kills
brain cells. But naturally, it attacks the slowest and weakest brain cells
first. In this way, regular consumption of beer eliminates the weaker brain
cells, making the brain a faster and more efficient machine. That's why you
always feel smarter after a few beers."
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
WARNING: The consumption of alcohol may make you think you are whispering
when you are not.
--
Virus scanned by Lumison.
People come into your life for a Reason, a Season or a Lifetime.
When you know which one it is, you will know what to do for that
person..
When someone is in your life for a REASON, it is usually to meet a
need you
have expressed. They have come to assist you through a difficulty,
to
provide you with guidance and support, to aid you physically,
emotionally,
or spiritually.
They may seem like a godsend, and they are! They are there for the
reason
you need them to be. Then, without any wrongdoing on your part, or
at an
inconvenient time, this person will say or do something to bring
the
relationship to an end. Sometimes they walk
away.
Sometimes they act up and force you to take a stand. What we must
realize
is that our need has been met, our desire fulfilled, their work is
done..
The prayer you sent up has been answered, and now it is time to
move on..
Some people come into your life for a SEASON, because your turn
has come to
share, grow, or learn. They bring you an experience of peace, or
make you
laugh. They may teach you something you have never done. They
usually give
you an unbelievable amount of joy. Believe it! It is real! But,
only for a
season.
LIFETIME relationships teach you lifetime lessons: things you must
build
upon in order to have a solid emotional foundation. Your job is to
accept
the lesson, love the person, and put what you have learned to use
in all
other relationships and areas of your life. It is said that love
is blind
but friendship is clairvoyant.
When you know which one it is, you will know what to do for that
person..
When someone is in your life for a REASON, it is usually to meet a
need you
have expressed. They have come to assist you through a difficulty,
to
provide you with guidance and support, to aid you physically,
emotionally,
or spiritually.
They may seem like a godsend, and they are! They are there for the
reason
you need them to be. Then, without any wrongdoing on your part, or
at an
inconvenient time, this person will say or do something to bring
the
relationship to an end. Sometimes they walk
away.
Sometimes they act up and force you to take a stand. What we must
realize
is that our need has been met, our desire fulfilled, their work is
done..
The prayer you sent up has been answered, and now it is time to
move on..
Some people come into your life for a SEASON, because your turn
has come to
share, grow, or learn. They bring you an experience of peace, or
make you
laugh. They may teach you something you have never done. They
usually give
you an unbelievable amount of joy. Believe it! It is real! But,
only for a
season.
LIFETIME relationships teach you lifetime lessons: things you must
build
upon in order to have a solid emotional foundation. Your job is to
accept
the lesson, love the person, and put what you have learned to use
in all
other relationships and areas of your life. It is said that love
is blind
but friendship is clairvoyant.
Subject: Words from Maya Angelou
"I've learned that no matter what happens, or how bad
it seems today, life does go on, and it will be better tomorrow.
I've learned that you can tell a lot about a person by
the way he/she handles these three things:
a rainy day, lost luggage, and tangled Christmas tree
lights.
I've learned that regardless of your relationship with
your parents, you'll miss them when they're gone from
your life.
I've learned that making a "living" is not the same
thing as making a "life."
I've learned that life sometimes gives you a second
chance.
I've learned that you shouldn't go through life with a
catcher's mitt on both hands; you need to be able to throw
something back.
I've learned that whenever I decide something with an
open heart, I usually make the right decision.
I've learned that even when I have pains, I don't have
to be one.
I've learned that every day you should reach out and
touch someone. People love a warm hug, or just a
friendly pat on the back.
I've learned that I still have a lot to learn.
I've learned that people will forget what
you said, people will forget what you did, but
people will never forget how you made them feel."
"I've learned that no matter what happens, or how bad
it seems today, life does go on, and it will be better tomorrow.
I've learned that you can tell a lot about a person by
the way he/she handles these three things:
a rainy day, lost luggage, and tangled Christmas tree
lights.
I've learned that regardless of your relationship with
your parents, you'll miss them when they're gone from
your life.
I've learned that making a "living" is not the same
thing as making a "life."
I've learned that life sometimes gives you a second
chance.
I've learned that you shouldn't go through life with a
catcher's mitt on both hands; you need to be able to throw
something back.
I've learned that whenever I decide something with an
open heart, I usually make the right decision.
I've learned that even when I have pains, I don't have
to be one.
I've learned that every day you should reach out and
touch someone. People love a warm hug, or just a
friendly pat on the back.
I've learned that I still have a lot to learn.
I've learned that people will forget what
you said, people will forget what you did, but
people will never forget how you made them feel."
The Tiger
A couple was on their honeymoon, lying in bed, about ready to consummate their marriage, when the new bride says to the husband, "I have a confession to make, I'm not a virgin."
The husband replies, "That's no big thing in this day and age."
The wife continues, "Yeah, I've been with one guy."
"Oh yeah? Who was the guy?"
"Tiger Woods."
"Tiger Woods, the golfer?"
"Yeah."
"Well, he's rich, famous and handsome. I can see why you went to bed with him."
The husband and wife then make passionate love.
When they are done, the husband gets up and walks to the telephone.
"What are you doing?" asks the wife.
The husband says, "I'm hungry, I was going to call room service and get something to eat."
"Tiger wouldn't do that."
"Oh yeah? What would Tiger do?"
"He'd come back to bed and do it a second time."
The husband puts down the phone and goes back to bed to make love a second time.
When they finish, he gets up and goes over to the phone. "Now what are you doing?" she asks.
The husband says, "I'm still hungry so I was going to get room service to get something to eat."
"Tiger wouldn't do that."
"Oh yeah? What would Tiger do?"
"He'd come back to bed and do it again."
The guy slams down the phone, goes back to bed, and makes love one more time.
When they finish he's tired and beat. He drags himself over to the phone and starts to dial.
The wife asks, "Are you calling room service?"
"No! I'm calling Tiger Woods, to find out what the par is for this damn hole."
A couple was on their honeymoon, lying in bed, about ready to consummate their marriage, when the new bride says to the husband, "I have a confession to make, I'm not a virgin."
The husband replies, "That's no big thing in this day and age."
The wife continues, "Yeah, I've been with one guy."
"Oh yeah? Who was the guy?"
"Tiger Woods."
"Tiger Woods, the golfer?"
"Yeah."
"Well, he's rich, famous and handsome. I can see why you went to bed with him."
The husband and wife then make passionate love.
When they are done, the husband gets up and walks to the telephone.
"What are you doing?" asks the wife.
The husband says, "I'm hungry, I was going to call room service and get something to eat."
"Tiger wouldn't do that."
"Oh yeah? What would Tiger do?"
"He'd come back to bed and do it a second time."
The husband puts down the phone and goes back to bed to make love a second time.
When they finish, he gets up and goes over to the phone. "Now what are you doing?" she asks.
The husband says, "I'm still hungry so I was going to get room service to get something to eat."
"Tiger wouldn't do that."
"Oh yeah? What would Tiger do?"
"He'd come back to bed and do it again."
The guy slams down the phone, goes back to bed, and makes love one more time.
When they finish he's tired and beat. He drags himself over to the phone and starts to dial.
The wife asks, "Are you calling room service?"
"No! I'm calling Tiger Woods, to find out what the par is for this damn hole."
A family goes to Llanfairpwllgwyngyllgogerychwyrndrobwllllantyssiliogogogoch for their holidays. They go for some lunch. The wife says "How do you pronounce this place?", the husband says "I don't know dear, I'll ask the waitress".
"Excuse me dear" he says to the waitress, "Can you tell us where we are?" After a pause the waitress says, very slowly........
"B U R G E R K I N G.........."
"Excuse me dear" he says to the waitress, "Can you tell us where we are?" After a pause the waitress says, very slowly........
"B U R G E R K I N G.........."
Stick to what you know then you'll never become unstuck
The inventor of the Harley-Davidson motorcycle,
Arthur Davidson, died and
went to heaven. At the gates, St. Peter told Arthur,
"Since you've been such
a good man and your motorcycles have changed the
world, your reward will be
to hang out with anyone you want in Heaven." Arthur
thought about it for a
minute and then said, "I want to hang out with God."
St. Peter took Arthur
to the Throne Room and introduced him to God. God
recognized Arthur and
commented, "Okay, so you were the one who invented
 the Harley Davidson
motorcycle?" Arthur said, "Yeah, that's me." God
commented, "Well, what's
the big deal in inventing something that's pretty
unstable, makes noise and
pollution and can't run without a road?" Arthur was
apparently embarrassed,
but finally spoke, "Excuse me, but aren't you the
inventor of woman?" God
said, "Umm, yes." "Well," said Arthur, "professional
to professional, you
have some major design flaws in your invention:
1. There's too much inconsistency in the front-end
protrusion;
2. It chatters constantly at high speeds;
3. Most of the rear ends are too soft and wobble
too much;
4. The intake is placed way too close to the
exhaust;
5. And the maintenance costs are outrageous!!"
"Hmmmm, you may have some good points there,"
replied God, "Hold on." God
went to his Celestial super-computer, typed in a few
words and waited for
the results. The computer printed out a slip of
 paper and God read it.
"Well, it may be true that my invention is flawed,"
God said to Arthur, "but
according to these numbers, more men are riding my
invention than yours."
Arthur Davidson, died and
went to heaven. At the gates, St. Peter told Arthur,
"Since you've been such
a good man and your motorcycles have changed the
world, your reward will be
to hang out with anyone you want in Heaven." Arthur
thought about it for a
minute and then said, "I want to hang out with God."
St. Peter took Arthur
to the Throne Room and introduced him to God. God
recognized Arthur and
commented, "Okay, so you were the one who invented
 the Harley Davidson
motorcycle?" Arthur said, "Yeah, that's me." God
commented, "Well, what's
the big deal in inventing something that's pretty
unstable, makes noise and
pollution and can't run without a road?" Arthur was
apparently embarrassed,
but finally spoke, "Excuse me, but aren't you the
inventor of woman?" God
said, "Umm, yes." "Well," said Arthur, "professional
to professional, you
have some major design flaws in your invention:
1. There's too much inconsistency in the front-end
protrusion;
2. It chatters constantly at high speeds;
3. Most of the rear ends are too soft and wobble
too much;
4. The intake is placed way too close to the
exhaust;
5. And the maintenance costs are outrageous!!"
"Hmmmm, you may have some good points there,"
replied God, "Hold on." God
went to his Celestial super-computer, typed in a few
words and waited for
the results. The computer printed out a slip of
 paper and God read it.
"Well, it may be true that my invention is flawed,"
God said to Arthur, "but
according to these numbers, more men are riding my
invention than yours."
Only Good Jokes Here
Paddy hires a reputable English ad company to sell his produce on TV. He is phoned 4 days later and told it will be on TV. "6.30pm Monday ... after the News!" Paddy gets all his family, freinds, neighbours, even the priest and bishop to watch in the local pub on their BIG screen TV.
The News finishes. Blackness .... then we see the backs of a crowd. The camera pans up, over their heads and comes to the foot of a hill. It goes up the hill and stops at a wooden post. Then it goes up the post and we find out it's the cross and the Christ crucified on it as it mercilessly lingers on his feet and hands. Christ's head comes up to look in the camera ... and through his pain and anguish, Jesus says slowly ... "Use ... Murphy's .... Nails!" .... and promptly expires.
Of course, the pub explodes in sheer fury and anger. The Bishop screams at Paddy that he'll excommunicate him and he and all his works will be damned to Hell.
Paddy phones the ad-men and gives them what for. The ad-men say ... "Sorry, really sorry ... we didn't understand the demographical perception of the potential audience. We'll fix it!"
4 days later, Paddy is told the problem has been fixed. The NEW ad will be on Wednesday, 6.30pm, after the news!
Again Paddy collects everyone in the pub with a deep apology and promises all's been fixed. The Bishop also attends somewhat grudgingly.
The TV comes on and the news finishes. The ad starts ... and as before the camera pans over a large crowd, then down to the foot of a hill, then up to the cross again. This time the cross is empty and the camera continues to pan over it down the other side of the hill and across a field where it catches up to two Roman soldiers who stop running and are out of breath .....
"I told you .... " one says" We shoulda used Murphy's Nails!"
The News finishes. Blackness .... then we see the backs of a crowd. The camera pans up, over their heads and comes to the foot of a hill. It goes up the hill and stops at a wooden post. Then it goes up the post and we find out it's the cross and the Christ crucified on it as it mercilessly lingers on his feet and hands. Christ's head comes up to look in the camera ... and through his pain and anguish, Jesus says slowly ... "Use ... Murphy's .... Nails!" .... and promptly expires.
Of course, the pub explodes in sheer fury and anger. The Bishop screams at Paddy that he'll excommunicate him and he and all his works will be damned to Hell.
Paddy phones the ad-men and gives them what for. The ad-men say ... "Sorry, really sorry ... we didn't understand the demographical perception of the potential audience. We'll fix it!"
4 days later, Paddy is told the problem has been fixed. The NEW ad will be on Wednesday, 6.30pm, after the news!
Again Paddy collects everyone in the pub with a deep apology and promises all's been fixed. The Bishop also attends somewhat grudgingly.
The TV comes on and the news finishes. The ad starts ... and as before the camera pans over a large crowd, then down to the foot of a hill, then up to the cross again. This time the cross is empty and the camera continues to pan over it down the other side of the hill and across a field where it catches up to two Roman soldiers who stop running and are out of breath .....
"I told you .... " one says" We shoulda used Murphy's Nails!"
England [sic] expects that every man will do his duty
"Order the signal to be sent, Hardy"
"Aye Aye, Sir"
"Hold on, that's not what I dictated to the signal officer. What's the meaning of this?"
"Sorry, Sir"
"England expects every person to do his duty, regardless of race, gender, sexual orientation, religious persuasion or disability. What gobbledegook is this?"
"Admiralty policy sir. We're an equal opportunities employer now. We had the devil's own job getting England past the censors, lest it be considered racist"
"Gadzooks, Hardy. Hand me my pipe and tobacco"
"Sorry sir. All naval vessels have been designated smoke–free working environments."
"In that case, break open the rum ration. Let us splice the main brace to steel the men before battle"
"The rum ration has been abolished, Admiral, because of the Governments policy on binge-drinking"
"Good heavens Hardy, I suppose we had better get on with it. Full speed ahead."
"I think you will find that there's a four-knot speed limit in this stretch of water "
"Damn it man! We are on the eve of the greatest sea battle in history. We must advance with all dispatch. Report from the crows nest please"
"Sorry sir that wont be possible"
"What?"
"Health and Safety have closed the crows nest sir; no safety harness. They also said that the rope ladder doesn't meet regulations. They won't allow anyone up there until proper scaffolding is erected".
"Then get me the ship's carpenter without delay"
"He's busy at the moment knocking up wheelchair access to the fo'c'sle, Admiral"
"Wheelchair access I have never heard anything so absurd"
"Health and Safety again sir. We have to provide a barrier-free environment for the differently abled"
"Differently abled? I've only got one arm and one eye and I refuse even to hear mention of the word. I didn't rise to rank of Admiral by playing the disability card"
"Actually sir, you did. The Royal Navy is under-represented to the areas of visual impairment and limb deficiency"
"Whatever next? Give me full sail. The salty spray beckons"
"A couple of problems there too, sir. Health and Safety won't let the crew up the rigging without crash helmets and they don't want anyone breathing in too much salt - haven't you seen the adverts"
"I've never heard so much infamy. Break out the cannon and tell the men to stand by to engage the enemy"
"The men are a bit worried about the shooting at anyone Admiral"
"What? This is mutiny"
"It's not that sir. It's just that they're afraid of being charged with murder if they actually kill someone. There are a couple of lawyers on board watching everyone like hawks"
"Then how are we to sink Frenchie and the Spanish? "
"Actually sir, we aren't"
"We aren't!"
"No sir, the Frenchie and the Spanish are our European partners now. According to the Common Fisheries Policy, we shouldn't actually be in these stretches of water. We could in fact be hit for a claim for compensation"
"But you hate a Frenchie as you hate the devil"
"I wouldn't let the ships diversity co-coordinator hear you saying that sir, or you will be up on a disciplinary "
"You must consider every man an enemy who speaks ill of your King"
"Not any more sir, we must be inclusive of this multicultural age. Now put on your Kevlar vest, it is the rules"
"Don't tell me Health and Safety rules. What ever happened to rum, sodomy and the lash?"
"As I explained sir, rum is off the menu and there is now a ban on corporal punishment"
"What about sodomy?"
"I believe it is to be encouraged, sir"
"In that case...kiss me Hardy"
"Aye Aye, Sir"
"Hold on, that's not what I dictated to the signal officer. What's the meaning of this?"
"Sorry, Sir"
"England expects every person to do his duty, regardless of race, gender, sexual orientation, religious persuasion or disability. What gobbledegook is this?"
"Admiralty policy sir. We're an equal opportunities employer now. We had the devil's own job getting England past the censors, lest it be considered racist"
"Gadzooks, Hardy. Hand me my pipe and tobacco"
"Sorry sir. All naval vessels have been designated smoke–free working environments."
"In that case, break open the rum ration. Let us splice the main brace to steel the men before battle"
"The rum ration has been abolished, Admiral, because of the Governments policy on binge-drinking"
"Good heavens Hardy, I suppose we had better get on with it. Full speed ahead."
"I think you will find that there's a four-knot speed limit in this stretch of water "
"Damn it man! We are on the eve of the greatest sea battle in history. We must advance with all dispatch. Report from the crows nest please"
"Sorry sir that wont be possible"
"What?"
"Health and Safety have closed the crows nest sir; no safety harness. They also said that the rope ladder doesn't meet regulations. They won't allow anyone up there until proper scaffolding is erected".
"Then get me the ship's carpenter without delay"
"He's busy at the moment knocking up wheelchair access to the fo'c'sle, Admiral"
"Wheelchair access I have never heard anything so absurd"
"Health and Safety again sir. We have to provide a barrier-free environment for the differently abled"
"Differently abled? I've only got one arm and one eye and I refuse even to hear mention of the word. I didn't rise to rank of Admiral by playing the disability card"
"Actually sir, you did. The Royal Navy is under-represented to the areas of visual impairment and limb deficiency"
"Whatever next? Give me full sail. The salty spray beckons"
"A couple of problems there too, sir. Health and Safety won't let the crew up the rigging without crash helmets and they don't want anyone breathing in too much salt - haven't you seen the adverts"
"I've never heard so much infamy. Break out the cannon and tell the men to stand by to engage the enemy"
"The men are a bit worried about the shooting at anyone Admiral"
"What? This is mutiny"
"It's not that sir. It's just that they're afraid of being charged with murder if they actually kill someone. There are a couple of lawyers on board watching everyone like hawks"
"Then how are we to sink Frenchie and the Spanish? "
"Actually sir, we aren't"
"We aren't!"
"No sir, the Frenchie and the Spanish are our European partners now. According to the Common Fisheries Policy, we shouldn't actually be in these stretches of water. We could in fact be hit for a claim for compensation"
"But you hate a Frenchie as you hate the devil"
"I wouldn't let the ships diversity co-coordinator hear you saying that sir, or you will be up on a disciplinary "
"You must consider every man an enemy who speaks ill of your King"
"Not any more sir, we must be inclusive of this multicultural age. Now put on your Kevlar vest, it is the rules"
"Don't tell me Health and Safety rules. What ever happened to rum, sodomy and the lash?"
"As I explained sir, rum is off the menu and there is now a ban on corporal punishment"
"What about sodomy?"
"I believe it is to be encouraged, sir"
"In that case...kiss me Hardy"
Donald Rumsfeld is giving the President his daily briefing. He
concludes by saying, "And yesterday, 3 Brazilian soldiers died in Iraq."
"Oh no!" exclaims the President. "That's terrible - what are we going to do now?," and bursts into tears.
His staff are stunned by his display of emotion, nervously watching
as the President sits with his head in his hands.
Finally, Bush looks up and asks, "Just how many is a brazillion?"
_________________
concludes by saying, "And yesterday, 3 Brazilian soldiers died in Iraq."
"Oh no!" exclaims the President. "That's terrible - what are we going to do now?," and bursts into tears.
His staff are stunned by his display of emotion, nervously watching
as the President sits with his head in his hands.
Finally, Bush looks up and asks, "Just how many is a brazillion?"
_________________
One evening a family brings their frail, elderly mother to a nursing home and leaves her, hoping she will be well cared for. The next morning, the
nurses bathe her, feed her a tasty breakfast, and set her in a chair at a window overlooking a lovely flower garden.
She seemed OK, but after a while she slowly starts to lean over sideways in her chair. Two attentive nurses immediately rush up to catch her and
straighten her up. Again she seemed OK, but after a while she started to tilt to the other side.
The nurses rush back and once more bring her back upright. This goes on all morning. Later the family arrives to see how the old woman is adjusting to her new home.
"So Ma, how is it here? Are they treating you all right?" they ask.
"It's pretty nice," she replies. "Except they won't let you fart."
nurses bathe her, feed her a tasty breakfast, and set her in a chair at a window overlooking a lovely flower garden.
She seemed OK, but after a while she slowly starts to lean over sideways in her chair. Two attentive nurses immediately rush up to catch her and
straighten her up. Again she seemed OK, but after a while she started to tilt to the other side.
The nurses rush back and once more bring her back upright. This goes on all morning. Later the family arrives to see how the old woman is adjusting to her new home.
"So Ma, how is it here? Are they treating you all right?" they ask.
"It's pretty nice," she replies. "Except they won't let you fart."
A girl walks in to a supermarket and buys the following items:
1 Bar of Soap
1 Toothbrush
1 Tube of toothpaste
1 loaf of bread
1 pint of milk
1 apple
1 banana
1 orange
1 plum
1 grapefruit
1 tomato
1 lettuce
1 cabbage
1 baking potato
1 kraft single
1 samosa
1 vegetable pakora
1 muesli bar
1 pie
1 frozen pizza
1 single frozen dinner
The bloke behind her in the queue taps her on the shoulder. He is
carrying a basket with a six pack of Stella, a pizza and some Wagon
Wheels.
As she turns, he smiles at her and says,
Single, eh?
The girl smiles sheepishly and replies
"How did you guess?"
He looks at her - straight in the eyes and gently says "Because you're
minging"
1 Bar of Soap
1 Toothbrush
1 Tube of toothpaste
1 loaf of bread
1 pint of milk
1 apple
1 banana
1 orange
1 plum
1 grapefruit
1 tomato
1 lettuce
1 cabbage
1 baking potato
1 kraft single
1 samosa
1 vegetable pakora
1 muesli bar
1 pie
1 frozen pizza
1 single frozen dinner
The bloke behind her in the queue taps her on the shoulder. He is
carrying a basket with a six pack of Stella, a pizza and some Wagon
Wheels.
As she turns, he smiles at her and says,
Single, eh?
The girl smiles sheepishly and replies
"How did you guess?"
He looks at her - straight in the eyes and gently says "Because you're
minging"
How Dog Rules Evolve
1. Dogs are never permitted in the house. The dog stays outside in a specially built wooden compartment named, for very good reason, the dog house.
2. Okay, the dog can enter the house, but only for short visits or if his own house is under renovation.
3. Okay, the dog can stay in the house on a permanent basis, provided his dog house can be sold in a yard sale to a rookie dog owner.
4. Inside the house, the dog is not allowed to run free and is confined to a comfortable but secure metal cage.
5. Okay, the cage becomes part of a two-for-one deal along with the dog house in the yard sale, and the dog can go wherever he pleases.
6. The dog is never allowed on the furniture.
7. Okay, the dog can get on the old furniture but not the new furniture.
8. Okay, the dog can get up on the new furniture until it looks like the old furniture and then we'll sell the whole works and buy new furniture... upon which the dog will most definitely not be allowed.
9. The dog never sleeps on the bed. Period.
10. Okay, the dog can sleep at the foot of the bed.
11. Okay, the dog can sleep alongside you, but he's not allowed under the covers.
12. Okay, the dog can sleep under the covers but not with his head on the pillow.
13. Okay, the dog can sleep alongside you under the covers with his head on the pillow, but if he snores he's got to leave the room.
14. Okay, the dog can sleep and snore and have nightmares in bed, but he's not to come in and sleep on the couch in the TV room, where I'm now sleeping. That's just not fair.
15. The dog never gets listed on the census questionnaire as "primary resident," even if it's true.
1. Dogs are never permitted in the house. The dog stays outside in a specially built wooden compartment named, for very good reason, the dog house.
2. Okay, the dog can enter the house, but only for short visits or if his own house is under renovation.
3. Okay, the dog can stay in the house on a permanent basis, provided his dog house can be sold in a yard sale to a rookie dog owner.
4. Inside the house, the dog is not allowed to run free and is confined to a comfortable but secure metal cage.
5. Okay, the cage becomes part of a two-for-one deal along with the dog house in the yard sale, and the dog can go wherever he pleases.
6. The dog is never allowed on the furniture.
7. Okay, the dog can get on the old furniture but not the new furniture.
8. Okay, the dog can get up on the new furniture until it looks like the old furniture and then we'll sell the whole works and buy new furniture... upon which the dog will most definitely not be allowed.
9. The dog never sleeps on the bed. Period.
10. Okay, the dog can sleep at the foot of the bed.
11. Okay, the dog can sleep alongside you, but he's not allowed under the covers.
12. Okay, the dog can sleep under the covers but not with his head on the pillow.
13. Okay, the dog can sleep alongside you under the covers with his head on the pillow, but if he snores he's got to leave the room.
14. Okay, the dog can sleep and snore and have nightmares in bed, but he's not to come in and sleep on the couch in the TV room, where I'm now sleeping. That's just not fair.
15. The dog never gets listed on the census questionnaire as "primary resident," even if it's true.
Why be scared????
Not a joke - but another lip sync video
http://video.google.com/videoplay?docid ... 3912337648
http://video.google.com/videoplay?docid ... 3912337648
Smart Ass Answer #5:
A flight attendant was stationed at the departure gate to check tickets.
As a man approached, she extended her hand for the ticket and he opened
his trench coat and flashed her.
Without missing a beat. . . . she said, "Sir, I need to see your ticket
not your stub. "
_______________
Smart Ass Answer #4:
A lady was picking through the frozen turkeys at the grocery store, but
she couldn't find one big enough for her family. She asked a stock boy,
"Do these turkeys get any bigger?
The stock boy replied, "No ma'am, they're dead. "
______________
Smart Ass Answer #3:
The cop got out of his car and the kid who was stopped for speeding
rolled down his window. "I've been waiting for you all day, " the cop
said.
The kid replied, "Yeah, well I got here as fast as I could. "
When the cop finally stopped laughing, he sent the kid on his way
without a ticket.
_______________
Smart Ass Answer #2:
A truck driver was driving along on the freeway. A sign comes up that
reads, "Low Bridge Ahead. " Before he knows it, the bridge is right
ahead of him and he gets stuck under the bridge.
Cars are backed up for miles.
Finally, a police car comes up. The cop gets out of his car and walks
up to the truck driver, puts his hands on his hips and says, "Got
stuck, huh? "
The truck driver says, "No, I was delivering this bridge and ran out of
gas.
A college teacher reminds her class of tomorrow's final exam. "Now
class, I won't tolerate any excuses for you not being here tomorrow. I
might consider a nuclear attack or a serious personal injury or illness,
or a death in your immediate family, but that's it, no other excuses
whatsoever!
A smart ass guy in the back of the room raised his hand and asked,
"What would you say if tomorrow I said I was suffering from complete
and utter sexual exhaustion? "
The entire class is reduced to laughter and snickering. When silence is
finally restored, the teacher smiles knowingly at the student, shakes
her head and sweetly says.
"Well, I guess you'd have to write the exam with your other hand.
A flight attendant was stationed at the departure gate to check tickets.
As a man approached, she extended her hand for the ticket and he opened
his trench coat and flashed her.
Without missing a beat. . . . she said, "Sir, I need to see your ticket
not your stub. "
_______________
Smart Ass Answer #4:
A lady was picking through the frozen turkeys at the grocery store, but
she couldn't find one big enough for her family. She asked a stock boy,
"Do these turkeys get any bigger?
The stock boy replied, "No ma'am, they're dead. "
______________
Smart Ass Answer #3:
The cop got out of his car and the kid who was stopped for speeding
rolled down his window. "I've been waiting for you all day, " the cop
said.
The kid replied, "Yeah, well I got here as fast as I could. "
When the cop finally stopped laughing, he sent the kid on his way
without a ticket.
_______________
Smart Ass Answer #2:
A truck driver was driving along on the freeway. A sign comes up that
reads, "Low Bridge Ahead. " Before he knows it, the bridge is right
ahead of him and he gets stuck under the bridge.
Cars are backed up for miles.
Finally, a police car comes up. The cop gets out of his car and walks
up to the truck driver, puts his hands on his hips and says, "Got
stuck, huh? "
The truck driver says, "No, I was delivering this bridge and ran out of
gas.
A college teacher reminds her class of tomorrow's final exam. "Now
class, I won't tolerate any excuses for you not being here tomorrow. I
might consider a nuclear attack or a serious personal injury or illness,
or a death in your immediate family, but that's it, no other excuses
whatsoever!
A smart ass guy in the back of the room raised his hand and asked,
"What would you say if tomorrow I said I was suffering from complete
and utter sexual exhaustion? "
The entire class is reduced to laughter and snickering. When silence is
finally restored, the teacher smiles knowingly at the student, shakes
her head and sweetly says.
"Well, I guess you'd have to write the exam with your other hand.
A man died and went to heaven. As he stood in front of St.
Peter at the Pearly Gates, he saw a huge wall of clocks behind him. He
asked, "What are all those clocks?"
St. Peter answered, "Those are Lie-Clocks. Everyone on Earth
has a Lie-Clock. Every time you lie the hands on your clock will
move."
"Oh," said the man, "whose clock is that?"
"That's Mother Teresa's. The hands have never moved,
indicating that she never told a lie."
"Incredible," said the man. "And whose clock is that one?"
St. Peter responded, "That's Abraham Lincoln's clock. The
hands have moved twice, telling us that Abe told only two lies in his
entire life."
"Where's Tony Blair's clock?" asked the man.
"Tony Blair's clock is in Jesus' office. He's using it as a ceiling fan."
Peter at the Pearly Gates, he saw a huge wall of clocks behind him. He
asked, "What are all those clocks?"
St. Peter answered, "Those are Lie-Clocks. Everyone on Earth
has a Lie-Clock. Every time you lie the hands on your clock will
move."
"Oh," said the man, "whose clock is that?"
"That's Mother Teresa's. The hands have never moved,
indicating that she never told a lie."
"Incredible," said the man. "And whose clock is that one?"
St. Peter responded, "That's Abraham Lincoln's clock. The
hands have moved twice, telling us that Abe told only two lies in his
entire life."
"Where's Tony Blair's clock?" asked the man.
"Tony Blair's clock is in Jesus' office. He's using it as a ceiling fan."
-
Hell's Cat
- Posts: 143
- Joined: 21 Nov 2002, 09:34
- Location: Portobello
- Contact:
If you need a laugh, read through these Children's Science Exam Answers.
These are real answers given by children.
Q: Name the four seasons.
A: Salt, pepper, mustard and vinegar.
Q: Explain one of the processes by which water can be made safe to drink.
A: Flirtation makes water safe to drink because it removes large pollutants like grit, sand, dead sheep and canoeists.
Q: How is dew formed?
A: The sun shines down on the leaves and makes them perspire.
Q: How can you delay milk turning sour?
A: Keep it in the cow.
Q: What causes the tides in the oceans?
A: The tides are a fight between the Earth and the Moon. All water tends
to flow towards the moon, because there is no water on the moon, and nature
hates a vacuum. I forget where the sun joins in this fight.*
Q: What are steroids?
A: Things for keeping carpets still on the stairs.
Q: What happens to your body as you age?
A: When you get old, so do your bowels and you get intercontinental.
Q: What happens to a boy when he reaches puberty?
A: He says good-bye to his boyhood and looks forward to his adultery.
Q: Name a major disease associated with cigarettes.
A: Premature death.
Q: What is artificial insemination?
A: When the farmer does it to the bull instead of the cow.
Q: How are the main parts of the body categorized? (e.g., abdomen.)
A: The body is consisted into three parts---the brainium, the borax and
the abdominal cavity. The brainium contains the brain; the borax contains the heart and lungs, and the abdominal cavity contains the five bowels, A, E,
I,O, and U.
Q: What is the fibula?
A: A small lie.
Q: What does "varicose" mean?
A: Nearby.
Q: Give the meaning of the term "Caesarean Section
A: The Caesarean Section is a district in Rome.
Q: What does the word "benign" mean?'
A: Benign is what you will be after you be eight.
These are real answers given by children.
Q: Name the four seasons.
A: Salt, pepper, mustard and vinegar.
Q: Explain one of the processes by which water can be made safe to drink.
A: Flirtation makes water safe to drink because it removes large pollutants like grit, sand, dead sheep and canoeists.
Q: How is dew formed?
A: The sun shines down on the leaves and makes them perspire.
Q: How can you delay milk turning sour?
A: Keep it in the cow.
Q: What causes the tides in the oceans?
A: The tides are a fight between the Earth and the Moon. All water tends
to flow towards the moon, because there is no water on the moon, and nature
hates a vacuum. I forget where the sun joins in this fight.*
Q: What are steroids?
A: Things for keeping carpets still on the stairs.
Q: What happens to your body as you age?
A: When you get old, so do your bowels and you get intercontinental.
Q: What happens to a boy when he reaches puberty?
A: He says good-bye to his boyhood and looks forward to his adultery.
Q: Name a major disease associated with cigarettes.
A: Premature death.
Q: What is artificial insemination?
A: When the farmer does it to the bull instead of the cow.
Q: How are the main parts of the body categorized? (e.g., abdomen.)
A: The body is consisted into three parts---the brainium, the borax and
the abdominal cavity. The brainium contains the brain; the borax contains the heart and lungs, and the abdominal cavity contains the five bowels, A, E,
I,O, and U.
Q: What is the fibula?
A: A small lie.
Q: What does "varicose" mean?
A: Nearby.
Q: Give the meaning of the term "Caesarean Section
A: The Caesarean Section is a district in Rome.
Q: What does the word "benign" mean?'
A: Benign is what you will be after you be eight.
Only after the last tree has been cut down, only after the last river has been poisoned, only after the last fish has been caught, only then will you find, that money cannot be eaten.
Wee Billy from Castlemilk always wanted to look cool.
His friend told him that he needed a good designer pair of trainers to
go with his shell suit. Billy saved up all his Giros and all the money
he got back from returning his empty bottles of Bucky and finally
managed to get himself a pair of brilliant white trainers to go with
his shell suit. Proudly, he strutted down the street calling out to all
the passers by "see my new trainers? Cool, eh?" One fine upstanding
gentleman pointed out that they were indeed a fine pair of trainers
but was young Billy aware that he had a lace undone? Billy scornfully
retorted that it was part of being cool to have a trailing lace and
that on the sole of the trainer there were instructions for the wearer to
do such a thing. When asked for proof of this instruction, Billy took off
his trainer and held it upside down for the disbeliever to read.
"There y'are! It clearly says ....Taiwan!
His friend told him that he needed a good designer pair of trainers to
go with his shell suit. Billy saved up all his Giros and all the money
he got back from returning his empty bottles of Bucky and finally
managed to get himself a pair of brilliant white trainers to go with
his shell suit. Proudly, he strutted down the street calling out to all
the passers by "see my new trainers? Cool, eh?" One fine upstanding
gentleman pointed out that they were indeed a fine pair of trainers
but was young Billy aware that he had a lace undone? Billy scornfully
retorted that it was part of being cool to have a trailing lace and
that on the sole of the trainer there were instructions for the wearer to
do such a thing. When asked for proof of this instruction, Billy took off
his trainer and held it upside down for the disbeliever to read.
"There y'are! It clearly says ....Taiwan!
-
Bob Jefferson
- Posts: 6212
- Joined: 11 Dec 2004, 21:16
- Location: Planet Porty
- Contact:
Guy goes into Gregg's in Possil and points to something behind the counter
"is that a doughnut or a meringue?"
"naw yer right it's a doughnut"
-----------------------------------------------------------------------------
2 Surgeons and a nurse are operating on someone.
"Forceps please nurse" asks the first Surgeon ...
... to be met by silence.
"Forceps please nurse!" he yells. Again, silence.
The other Surgeon chips in - "She's from Glasgow"
1st Surgeon -"oy - tongs ya bas!"
"is that a doughnut or a meringue?"
"naw yer right it's a doughnut"
-----------------------------------------------------------------------------
2 Surgeons and a nurse are operating on someone.
"Forceps please nurse" asks the first Surgeon ...
... to be met by silence.
"Forceps please nurse!" he yells. Again, silence.
The other Surgeon chips in - "She's from Glasgow"
1st Surgeon -"oy - tongs ya bas!"
How very PC
FROM: Pauline Lewis, Human Resources Director
TO: All Employees
DATE: 4th November 2004
RE: Christmas Party
I'm happy to inform you that the company Christmas Party
will take place on December 23rd, starting at noon in the private function
room at the Grill House. There will be a cash bar and plenty of drinks!
We'll have a small band playing traditional carols...please feel free to sing
along. And don't be surprised if the MD shows up dressed as Santa Claus! A Christmas tree will be lit at 1.00p.m.. Exchange of gifts among employees
can be done at that time; however, no gift should be over £10.00 to make
the giving of gifts easy for everyone's pockets. This gathering is only
for employees! The MD will make a special announcement at the Party.
Merry Christmas to you and your Family.
Pauline
FROM: Pauline Lewis, Human Resources Director
TO: All Employees
DATE: 5th November 2004
RE: Holiday Party
In no way was yesterday's memo intended to exclude our Jewish
employees. We recognise Hanukah is an important holiday, which often
coincides with Christmas, though unfortunately not this year.
However, from now on we're calling it our 'Holiday Party'. The same policy
applies to any other employees who are not Christians. There will be no
Christmas tree or Christmas carols sung. We will have other types of music for your
enjoyment.
Happy now?
Happy Holidays to you and your family,
Pauline.
FROM; Pauline Lewis, Human Resources Director
TO: All Employees
DATE: 6th November 2004
RE: Holiday Party
Regarding the note I received from a member of Alcoholics Anonymous requesting a non-drinking table...you didn't sign your name. I'm happy to accommodate this request, but if I put a sign on a table that reads, "AA Only", you wouldn't be anonymous anymore!!!! How am I supposed to handle this? Somebody?
Forget about the gift exchange, no gift exchange allowed now since the Union Officials feel that £10.00 is too much money and Management believe £10.00 is a little cheap. NO GIFT EXCHANGE WILL BE ALLOWED.
Pauline.
FROM: Pauline Lewis, Human Resources Director
TO: All Employees
DATE: 7th November 2004
RE: Holiday Party
What a diverse group we are! I had no idea that December 20th begins the Muslim holy month of Ramadan, which forbids eating and drinking during daylight hours. There goes the party! Seriously, we can appreciate how a luncheon at this time of year does not accommodate our Muslim employees' beliefs, perhaps the Grill House can hold off on serving your meal until the end of the party - or else package everything up for you to take home in a little foil doggy bag. Will that work? Meanwhile, I've arranged for members of Weight Watchers to sit farthest from the dessert buffet and pregnant women will get the table closest to the toilets, Gays are
allowed to sit with each other, Lesbians do not have to sit with gay men, each will have their own table. Yes, there will be flower arrangements for the gay men's table too. To the person asking permission to cross-dress - no cross-dressing allowed. We will have booster seats for short people. Low fat food will be available for those on a diet. We cannot control the salt used in the food we suggest those people with high blood pressure taste the food first.. There will be fresh fruits as dessert for Diabetics; the restaurant cannot supply "No Sugar" desserts. Sorry! Did I miss
anything?!?!?!?!?!
Pauline.
FROM: Pauline Lewis, Human Resources Director
TO: All Employees
DATE: 8 November 2004
RE: The ******** Holiday Party.
Vegetarian ****** I've had it with you people !!! We're going to keep this party at the Grill House whether you like it or not, so you can sit quietly at the table furthest from the "grill of death", as you so quaintly put it, you'll get your ****** salad bar, including organic tomatoes, But you know tomatoes have feeling too, They scream when
you slice them. I've heard them scream. I'm hearing the scream right NOW!!
I hope you all have a rotten holiday, drink drive and die.
The Bitch from HELL!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
FROM: John Bishop - Acting Human Resources Director
DATE: 9th November 2004
RE: Pauline Lewis and Holiday Party
I'm sure I speak for all of us in wishing Pauline Lewis a speedy recovery, and I'll continue to forward your cards to her. In the meantime, the Management has decided to cancel our Holiday Party and instead give everyone the afternoon of the 23rd December off with full pay.
Rose Birrell
PA to Environment Area Manager L&SV
TO: All Employees
DATE: 4th November 2004
RE: Christmas Party
I'm happy to inform you that the company Christmas Party
will take place on December 23rd, starting at noon in the private function
room at the Grill House. There will be a cash bar and plenty of drinks!
We'll have a small band playing traditional carols...please feel free to sing
along. And don't be surprised if the MD shows up dressed as Santa Claus! A Christmas tree will be lit at 1.00p.m.. Exchange of gifts among employees
can be done at that time; however, no gift should be over £10.00 to make
the giving of gifts easy for everyone's pockets. This gathering is only
for employees! The MD will make a special announcement at the Party.
Merry Christmas to you and your Family.
Pauline
FROM: Pauline Lewis, Human Resources Director
TO: All Employees
DATE: 5th November 2004
RE: Holiday Party
In no way was yesterday's memo intended to exclude our Jewish
employees. We recognise Hanukah is an important holiday, which often
coincides with Christmas, though unfortunately not this year.
However, from now on we're calling it our 'Holiday Party'. The same policy
applies to any other employees who are not Christians. There will be no
Christmas tree or Christmas carols sung. We will have other types of music for your
enjoyment.
Happy now?
Happy Holidays to you and your family,
Pauline.
FROM; Pauline Lewis, Human Resources Director
TO: All Employees
DATE: 6th November 2004
RE: Holiday Party
Regarding the note I received from a member of Alcoholics Anonymous requesting a non-drinking table...you didn't sign your name. I'm happy to accommodate this request, but if I put a sign on a table that reads, "AA Only", you wouldn't be anonymous anymore!!!! How am I supposed to handle this? Somebody?
Forget about the gift exchange, no gift exchange allowed now since the Union Officials feel that £10.00 is too much money and Management believe £10.00 is a little cheap. NO GIFT EXCHANGE WILL BE ALLOWED.
Pauline.
FROM: Pauline Lewis, Human Resources Director
TO: All Employees
DATE: 7th November 2004
RE: Holiday Party
What a diverse group we are! I had no idea that December 20th begins the Muslim holy month of Ramadan, which forbids eating and drinking during daylight hours. There goes the party! Seriously, we can appreciate how a luncheon at this time of year does not accommodate our Muslim employees' beliefs, perhaps the Grill House can hold off on serving your meal until the end of the party - or else package everything up for you to take home in a little foil doggy bag. Will that work? Meanwhile, I've arranged for members of Weight Watchers to sit farthest from the dessert buffet and pregnant women will get the table closest to the toilets, Gays are
allowed to sit with each other, Lesbians do not have to sit with gay men, each will have their own table. Yes, there will be flower arrangements for the gay men's table too. To the person asking permission to cross-dress - no cross-dressing allowed. We will have booster seats for short people. Low fat food will be available for those on a diet. We cannot control the salt used in the food we suggest those people with high blood pressure taste the food first.. There will be fresh fruits as dessert for Diabetics; the restaurant cannot supply "No Sugar" desserts. Sorry! Did I miss
anything?!?!?!?!?!
Pauline.
FROM: Pauline Lewis, Human Resources Director
TO: All Employees
DATE: 8 November 2004
RE: The ******** Holiday Party.
Vegetarian ****** I've had it with you people !!! We're going to keep this party at the Grill House whether you like it or not, so you can sit quietly at the table furthest from the "grill of death", as you so quaintly put it, you'll get your ****** salad bar, including organic tomatoes, But you know tomatoes have feeling too, They scream when
you slice them. I've heard them scream. I'm hearing the scream right NOW!!
I hope you all have a rotten holiday, drink drive and die.
The Bitch from HELL!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
FROM: John Bishop - Acting Human Resources Director
DATE: 9th November 2004
RE: Pauline Lewis and Holiday Party
I'm sure I speak for all of us in wishing Pauline Lewis a speedy recovery, and I'll continue to forward your cards to her. In the meantime, the Management has decided to cancel our Holiday Party and instead give everyone the afternoon of the 23rd December off with full pay.
Rose Birrell
PA to Environment Area Manager L&SV
Once upon a time there was a bear and a bee who lived in a wood and were the best of friends. All summer long the bee collected nectar from morning to night while the bear lay on his back basking in the long grass.
When winter came the bear realised he had nothing to eat and thought to himself: " I hope that busy little bee will share some of his honey with me." But the bee was nowhere to be found
-- he had died of a stress induced coronary disease.
When winter came the bear realised he had nothing to eat and thought to himself: " I hope that busy little bee will share some of his honey with me." But the bee was nowhere to be found
-- he had died of a stress induced coronary disease.
I have nothing to say and I'm going to say it.
From a strictly mathematical viewpoint it goes like this:
What Makes 100%? What does it mean to give MORE than 100%? Ever
wonder about those people who say they are giving more
than 100%?
We have all been to those meetings where someone wants you to give
over 100%. How about achieving 103%? What makes up 100% in life?
Here's a little mathematical formula that might help you
answer these questions:
If:
A B C D E F G H I J K L M N O P Q R S T U V W X Y Z
is represented as:
1 2 3 4 5 6 7 8 9 10 11 12 13 14 15 16 17 18 19 20 21 22 23
24 25 26.
Then:
H-A-R-D-W-O-R-K
8+1+18+4+23+15+18+11 = 98%
and
K-N-O-W-L-E-D-G-E
11+! 14+15+23+ 12+5+4+7+5 = 96%
But,
A-T-T-I-T-U-D-E
1+20+20+9+20+21+4+5 = 100%
And,
B-U-L-L-S-H-*-T
2+21+12+12+19+8+9+20 = 103%
AND, look how far ass kissing will take you.
A-S-S-K-I-S-S-I-N-G
1+19+19+11+9+19+19+9+14+7 = 118%
So, one can conclude with mathematical certainty that While
hard work and Knowledge will get you close, and Attitude will get you there, it's the Bullsh*t and Ass kissing that will put you over the top!
What Makes 100%? What does it mean to give MORE than 100%? Ever
wonder about those people who say they are giving more
than 100%?
We have all been to those meetings where someone wants you to give
over 100%. How about achieving 103%? What makes up 100% in life?
Here's a little mathematical formula that might help you
answer these questions:
If:
A B C D E F G H I J K L M N O P Q R S T U V W X Y Z
is represented as:
1 2 3 4 5 6 7 8 9 10 11 12 13 14 15 16 17 18 19 20 21 22 23
24 25 26.
Then:
H-A-R-D-W-O-R-K
8+1+18+4+23+15+18+11 = 98%
and
K-N-O-W-L-E-D-G-E
11+! 14+15+23+ 12+5+4+7+5 = 96%
But,
A-T-T-I-T-U-D-E
1+20+20+9+20+21+4+5 = 100%
And,
B-U-L-L-S-H-*-T
2+21+12+12+19+8+9+20 = 103%
AND, look how far ass kissing will take you.
A-S-S-K-I-S-S-I-N-G
1+19+19+11+9+19+19+9+14+7 = 118%
So, one can conclude with mathematical certainty that While
hard work and Knowledge will get you close, and Attitude will get you there, it's the Bullsh*t and Ass kissing that will put you over the top!
Tony Blair is rudely awoken at 4am by the telephone.
"Tony, John Prescott here. Sorry to bother you at this hour but there is an emergency! I've just received word that the Durex factory in Sheffield has burned to the ground.
It is estimated that the entire English supply of condoms will be gone by the end of the week."
"Sh*t John - the economy will never be able to cope with all those unwanted babies- we'll be ruined!"
"We're going to have to ship some in from abroad, what about America?"
"No chance!! Bush will have a field day on this one!"
"What about Scotland?"
"Maybe, but we don't want them to know that we are stuck". You call Jack McConnell - tell him we need one million condoms, coloured red, white and blue, twelve inches long and eight inches thick! That way he'll know how big the English really are!!"
John calls Jack, who agrees to help the English out in their hour of need.
Three days later a van arrives outside Downing Street full of boxes.
A delighted Tony Blair rushes out to open the boxes.
He finds condoms, 12 inches long, 8 inches thick and all coloured red, white and blue. He then notices in small writing on each and every one:-
MADE IN SCOTLAND SIZE: SMALL
"Tony, John Prescott here. Sorry to bother you at this hour but there is an emergency! I've just received word that the Durex factory in Sheffield has burned to the ground.
It is estimated that the entire English supply of condoms will be gone by the end of the week."
"Sh*t John - the economy will never be able to cope with all those unwanted babies- we'll be ruined!"
"We're going to have to ship some in from abroad, what about America?"
"No chance!! Bush will have a field day on this one!"
"What about Scotland?"
"Maybe, but we don't want them to know that we are stuck". You call Jack McConnell - tell him we need one million condoms, coloured red, white and blue, twelve inches long and eight inches thick! That way he'll know how big the English really are!!"
John calls Jack, who agrees to help the English out in their hour of need.
Three days later a van arrives outside Downing Street full of boxes.
A delighted Tony Blair rushes out to open the boxes.
He finds condoms, 12 inches long, 8 inches thick and all coloured red, white and blue. He then notices in small writing on each and every one:-
MADE IN SCOTLAND SIZE: SMALL