China opens 1000 stall public toilet :
http://www.sfgate.com/cgi-bin/article.c ... d=rss.news
Only Good Jokes Here!
RED SKELTON'S RECIPE FOR THE PERFECT MARRIAGE
1.Two times a week, we go to a nice restaurant, have a little beverage,
good food and companionship.
She goes on Tuesdays, I go on Fridays.
2. We also sleep in separate beds.
Hers is in California and mine is in Texas.
3. I take my wife everywhere.....
but she keeps finding her way back.
4. I asked my wife where she wanted to go for our
anniversary. "Somewhere I haven't been in a long time!"
she said.
So I suggested the kitchen.
5. We always hold hands.
If I let go, she shops.
6. She has an electric blender, electric toaster and electric
bread maker. She said "There are too many gadgets and no place
to sit down!" ..
So I bought her an electric chair.
7. My wife told me the car wasn't running well because
there was water in the carburetor.
I asked where the car was; she told me "In the lake."
8. She got a mud pack and looked great for two days.
Then the mud fell off.
9. She ran after the garbage truck, yelling "Am I too late
for the garbage?" ... The driver said "No, jump in!"
10. Remember: Marriage is the number one cause of divorce.
11. I married Miss Right. I just didn't know her
first name was Always.
12. I haven't spoken to my wife in 18 months.
I don't like to interrupt her.
13. The last fight was my fault though.
My wife asked "What's on the TV?"
I said "Dust!"
Can't you just hear him say all of these? I love it.........this is the good old
Days when humor didn't have to start with a four letter word........
just clean and simple fun.
1.Two times a week, we go to a nice restaurant, have a little beverage,
good food and companionship.
She goes on Tuesdays, I go on Fridays.
2. We also sleep in separate beds.
Hers is in California and mine is in Texas.
3. I take my wife everywhere.....
but she keeps finding her way back.
4. I asked my wife where she wanted to go for our
anniversary. "Somewhere I haven't been in a long time!"
she said.
So I suggested the kitchen.
5. We always hold hands.
If I let go, she shops.
6. She has an electric blender, electric toaster and electric
bread maker. She said "There are too many gadgets and no place
to sit down!" ..
So I bought her an electric chair.
7. My wife told me the car wasn't running well because
there was water in the carburetor.
I asked where the car was; she told me "In the lake."
8. She got a mud pack and looked great for two days.
Then the mud fell off.
9. She ran after the garbage truck, yelling "Am I too late
for the garbage?" ... The driver said "No, jump in!"
10. Remember: Marriage is the number one cause of divorce.
11. I married Miss Right. I just didn't know her
first name was Always.
12. I haven't spoken to my wife in 18 months.
I don't like to interrupt her.
13. The last fight was my fault though.
My wife asked "What's on the TV?"
I said "Dust!"
Can't you just hear him say all of these? I love it.........this is the good old
Days when humor didn't have to start with a four letter word........
just clean and simple fun.
Why be scared????
A young guy from Alberta moves to Vancouver and goes to a big
"everything under one roof" department store looking for a job.
The Manager says, "Do you have any sales experience?"
The kid says "Yeah. I was a salesman back in Alberta ."
Well, the boss liked the kid and gave him the job. "You start tomorrow.
I'll come down after we close and see how you did. His first day on the
job was rough, but he got through it. After the store was locked up, the
boss came down. "How many customers bought something from you today?
The kid says "one".
The boss says "Just one? Our sales people average 20 to 30 customers a
day. How much was the sale for?"
The kid says "$101,237.65".
The boss says "$101,237.65? What the heck did you sell?"
The kid says, "First, I sold him a small fish hook. Then I sold him a
medium fishhook. Then I sold him a larger fishhook.
Then I sold him a new fishing rod. Then I asked him where he was going
fishing and he said down the coast, so I told him he was going to need a
boat, so we went down to the boat department and I sold him a twin
engine Chris Craft. Then he said he didn't think his Honda Civic would
pull it, so I took him down to the automotive department and sold him
that 4x4 Expedition."
The boss said "A guy came in here to buy a fish hook and you sold him a
BOAT and a TRUCK?"
The kid said "No, the guy came in here to buy Tampons for his wife, and
I said, "Dude, your weekend's shot. You should go fishing."
"everything under one roof" department store looking for a job.
The Manager says, "Do you have any sales experience?"
The kid says "Yeah. I was a salesman back in Alberta ."
Well, the boss liked the kid and gave him the job. "You start tomorrow.
I'll come down after we close and see how you did. His first day on the
job was rough, but he got through it. After the store was locked up, the
boss came down. "How many customers bought something from you today?
The kid says "one".
The boss says "Just one? Our sales people average 20 to 30 customers a
day. How much was the sale for?"
The kid says "$101,237.65".
The boss says "$101,237.65? What the heck did you sell?"
The kid says, "First, I sold him a small fish hook. Then I sold him a
medium fishhook. Then I sold him a larger fishhook.
Then I sold him a new fishing rod. Then I asked him where he was going
fishing and he said down the coast, so I told him he was going to need a
boat, so we went down to the boat department and I sold him a twin
engine Chris Craft. Then he said he didn't think his Honda Civic would
pull it, so I took him down to the automotive department and sold him
that 4x4 Expedition."
The boss said "A guy came in here to buy a fish hook and you sold him a
BOAT and a TRUCK?"
The kid said "No, the guy came in here to buy Tampons for his wife, and
I said, "Dude, your weekend's shot. You should go fishing."
Andy Knight
Fear knocks at the door, knowledge answers and finds nothing.
Fear knocks at the door, knowledge answers and finds nothing.
EMERGENCY ROOMS TO AVOID
Is that really in the notes? - Various
By the time he was admitted, his rapid heart had stopped and he was
feeling better.
Patient has chest pain if she lies on her left side for over a year.
On the second day the knee was better and on the third day it had
completely disappeared.
She has had no rigors or shaking chills, but her husband states she
was very hot in bed last night.
The patient has been depressed ever since she began seeing me in 1983.
I will be happy to go into her GI system, she seems ready and anxious.
Patient was released to outpatient department without dressing.
I have suggested that he loosen his pants before standing, and then,
when he stands with the help of his wife, they should fall to the floor.
The patient is tearful and crying constantly. She also appears to be depressed.
Discharge status: Alive but without permission.
The patient will need disposition, and therefore we will get Dr. Ward
to dispose of him.
Healthy-appearing, decrepit 69 year old male, mentally alert but forgetful.
The patient refused an autopsy.
The patient has no past history of suicides.
The patient expired on the floor uneventfully.
Patient has left his white blood cells at another hospital.
Patient was becoming more demented with urinary frequency.
The patient's past medical history has been remarkably insignificant
with only a 40 pound weight gain in the past three days.
She slipped on the ice and apparently her legs went in separate
directions in early December.
The patient experienced sudden onset of severe shortness of breath
with a picture of acute pulmonary edema at home while having sex
which gradually deteriorated in the emergency room.
The patient left the hospital feeling much better except for her
original complaints.
The patient is disabled with a wife from Portsmouth
Uterus remains in place resting comfortably (after prolapse repair)
Diagnosis: Claus-trophobia
...employed as a horse-shooer.
Comes to ED complaining of vaginal breathing.
...because of his long bone fracture, we need to be sure he doesn't
throw an ambulance.
Patient arrived by avalanche
Odor of alcohol on breast
Patient stable all morning, in asystole
Road Traffic Accident, back seat driver
The lab test indicated abnormal lover function.
The baby was delivered, the cord clamped and cut, and handed to the
pediatrician, who breathed and cried immediately.
Exam of genitalia reveals that he is circus sized.
The skin was moist and dry.
Rectal exam revealed a normal size thyroid.
The patient had waffles for breakfast and anorexia for lunch.
She stated that she had been constipated for most of her life until
1989 when she got a divorce.
Between you and me, we ought to be able to get this lady pregnant.
The patient was in his usual state of good health until his airplane
ran out of gas and crashed.
I saw your patient today, who is still under our car for physical therapy.
The patient was prepped and raped in the usual manner.
Examination reveals a well-developed male laying in bed with his
family in no distress.
Patient was alert and unresponsive.
When she fainted, her eyes rolled around the room.
The patient lives at home with his mother, father, and pet turtle,
who is presently enrolled in day care three times a week.
Bleeding started in the rectal area and continued all the way to Los Angeles.
Both breasts are equal and reactive to light and accommodation.
She is numb from her toes down.
Exam of genitalia was completely negative except for the right foot.
While in the emergency room, she was examined, x-rated and sent home.
The patient was to have a bowel resection. However, he took a job as
a stockbroker instead.
The patient suffers from occasional, constant, infrequent headaches.
Coming from Detroit, this man has no children.
Is that really in the notes? - Various
By the time he was admitted, his rapid heart had stopped and he was
feeling better.
Patient has chest pain if she lies on her left side for over a year.
On the second day the knee was better and on the third day it had
completely disappeared.
She has had no rigors or shaking chills, but her husband states she
was very hot in bed last night.
The patient has been depressed ever since she began seeing me in 1983.
I will be happy to go into her GI system, she seems ready and anxious.
Patient was released to outpatient department without dressing.
I have suggested that he loosen his pants before standing, and then,
when he stands with the help of his wife, they should fall to the floor.
The patient is tearful and crying constantly. She also appears to be depressed.
Discharge status: Alive but without permission.
The patient will need disposition, and therefore we will get Dr. Ward
to dispose of him.
Healthy-appearing, decrepit 69 year old male, mentally alert but forgetful.
The patient refused an autopsy.
The patient has no past history of suicides.
The patient expired on the floor uneventfully.
Patient has left his white blood cells at another hospital.
Patient was becoming more demented with urinary frequency.
The patient's past medical history has been remarkably insignificant
with only a 40 pound weight gain in the past three days.
She slipped on the ice and apparently her legs went in separate
directions in early December.
The patient experienced sudden onset of severe shortness of breath
with a picture of acute pulmonary edema at home while having sex
which gradually deteriorated in the emergency room.
The patient left the hospital feeling much better except for her
original complaints.
The patient is disabled with a wife from Portsmouth
Uterus remains in place resting comfortably (after prolapse repair)
Diagnosis: Claus-trophobia
...employed as a horse-shooer.
Comes to ED complaining of vaginal breathing.
...because of his long bone fracture, we need to be sure he doesn't
throw an ambulance.
Patient arrived by avalanche
Odor of alcohol on breast
Patient stable all morning, in asystole
Road Traffic Accident, back seat driver
The lab test indicated abnormal lover function.
The baby was delivered, the cord clamped and cut, and handed to the
pediatrician, who breathed and cried immediately.
Exam of genitalia reveals that he is circus sized.
The skin was moist and dry.
Rectal exam revealed a normal size thyroid.
The patient had waffles for breakfast and anorexia for lunch.
She stated that she had been constipated for most of her life until
1989 when she got a divorce.
Between you and me, we ought to be able to get this lady pregnant.
The patient was in his usual state of good health until his airplane
ran out of gas and crashed.
I saw your patient today, who is still under our car for physical therapy.
The patient was prepped and raped in the usual manner.
Examination reveals a well-developed male laying in bed with his
family in no distress.
Patient was alert and unresponsive.
When she fainted, her eyes rolled around the room.
The patient lives at home with his mother, father, and pet turtle,
who is presently enrolled in day care three times a week.
Bleeding started in the rectal area and continued all the way to Los Angeles.
Both breasts are equal and reactive to light and accommodation.
She is numb from her toes down.
Exam of genitalia was completely negative except for the right foot.
While in the emergency room, she was examined, x-rated and sent home.
The patient was to have a bowel resection. However, he took a job as
a stockbroker instead.
The patient suffers from occasional, constant, infrequent headaches.
Coming from Detroit, this man has no children.
Andy Knight
Fear knocks at the door, knowledge answers and finds nothing.
Fear knocks at the door, knowledge answers and finds nothing.
Excerpts from a Dog's Diary
* 8:00 am - Dog food! My favorite thing!
* 9:30 am - A car ride! My favorite thing!
* 9:40 am - A walk in the park! My favorite thing!
* 10:30 am - Got rubbed and petted! My favorite thing!
* 12:00 pm - Lunch! My favorite thing!
* 1:00 pm - Played in the yard! My favorite thing!
* 3:00 pm - Wagged my tail! My favorite thing!
* 5:00 pm - Milk bones! My favorite thing!
* 7:00 pm - Got to play ball! My favorite thing!
* 8:00 pm - Wow! Watched TV with the people! My favorite thing!
* 11:00 pm - Sleeping on the bed! My favorite thing!
Excerpts from a Cat's Diary
Day 983 of my captivity.
My captors continue to taunt me with bizarre little dangling objects.
They dine lavishly on fresh meat, while the other inmates and I are fed
hash or some sort of dry nuggets. Although I make my contempt for the
rations perfectly clear, I nevertheless must eat something in order to
keep up my strength. The only thing that keeps me going is my dream of
escape.
In an attempt to disgust them, I once again vomit on the carpet.
Today I decapitated a mouse and dropped its headless body at their feet.
I had hoped this would strike fear into their hearts, since it clearly
demonstrates what I am capable of. However, they merely made
condescending comments about what a "good little hunter" I am. Bastards!
There was some sort of assembly of their accomplices tonight. I was
placed in solitary confinement for the duration of the event. However, I
could hear the noises and smell the food. I overheard that my
confinement was due to the power of "allergies." I must learn what this
means, and how to use it to my advantage.
Today I was almost successful in an attempt to assassinate one of my
tormentors by weaving around his feet as he was walking. I must try this
again tomorrow --but at the top of the stairs.
I am convinced that the other prisoners here are flunkies and snitches.
The dog receives special privileges. He is regularly released - and
seems to be more than willing to return. He is obviously retarded.
The bird has got to be an informant. I observe him communicate with the
guards regularly. I am certain that he reports my every move. My captors
have arranged protective custody for him in an elevated cell, so he is
safe. For now . . .
* 8:00 am - Dog food! My favorite thing!
* 9:30 am - A car ride! My favorite thing!
* 9:40 am - A walk in the park! My favorite thing!
* 10:30 am - Got rubbed and petted! My favorite thing!
* 12:00 pm - Lunch! My favorite thing!
* 1:00 pm - Played in the yard! My favorite thing!
* 3:00 pm - Wagged my tail! My favorite thing!
* 5:00 pm - Milk bones! My favorite thing!
* 7:00 pm - Got to play ball! My favorite thing!
* 8:00 pm - Wow! Watched TV with the people! My favorite thing!
* 11:00 pm - Sleeping on the bed! My favorite thing!
Excerpts from a Cat's Diary
Day 983 of my captivity.
My captors continue to taunt me with bizarre little dangling objects.
They dine lavishly on fresh meat, while the other inmates and I are fed
hash or some sort of dry nuggets. Although I make my contempt for the
rations perfectly clear, I nevertheless must eat something in order to
keep up my strength. The only thing that keeps me going is my dream of
escape.
In an attempt to disgust them, I once again vomit on the carpet.
Today I decapitated a mouse and dropped its headless body at their feet.
I had hoped this would strike fear into their hearts, since it clearly
demonstrates what I am capable of. However, they merely made
condescending comments about what a "good little hunter" I am. Bastards!
There was some sort of assembly of their accomplices tonight. I was
placed in solitary confinement for the duration of the event. However, I
could hear the noises and smell the food. I overheard that my
confinement was due to the power of "allergies." I must learn what this
means, and how to use it to my advantage.
Today I was almost successful in an attempt to assassinate one of my
tormentors by weaving around his feet as he was walking. I must try this
again tomorrow --but at the top of the stairs.
I am convinced that the other prisoners here are flunkies and snitches.
The dog receives special privileges. He is regularly released - and
seems to be more than willing to return. He is obviously retarded.
The bird has got to be an informant. I observe him communicate with the
guards regularly. I am certain that he reports my every move. My captors
have arranged protective custody for him in an elevated cell, so he is
safe. For now . . .
Andy Knight
Fear knocks at the door, knowledge answers and finds nothing.
Fear knocks at the door, knowledge answers and finds nothing.
The Queen`s guards are giving up their bearskin hats!
http://img.debri.ru/de/posts/42/1186051242_004g641h.jpg
http://img.debri.ru/de/posts/42/1186051242_004g641h.jpg
Andy Knight
Fear knocks at the door, knowledge answers and finds nothing.
Fear knocks at the door, knowledge answers and finds nothing.
-
Black Mamba
- Posts: 781
- Joined: 12 Sep 2006, 22:06
Church Bulletin Bloopers
Thank God for church ladies with typewriters. These sentences actually appeared in church bulletins or were announced in church services:
1. Bertha Belch, a missionary from Africa, will be speaking tonight at Calvary Methodist. Come hear Bertha Belch all the way from Africa.
2. Announcement in a church bulletin for a national PRAYER & FASTING Conference: "The cost for attending the Fasting & Prayer Conference includes meals.
3. The sermon this morning: "Jesus Walks on the Water."
The sermon tonight:
"Searching for Jesus."
4. Our youth basketball team is back in action Wednesday at 8 PM in the recreation hall - Come out and watch us kill Christ the King.
5. Ladies, don't forget the rummage sale. It's a chance to get rid of those things not worth keeping around the house. Don't forget your husbands.
6. The peacemaking meeting scheduled for today has been cancelled due to a conflict.
7. Remember in prayer the many who are sick of our community. Smile at someone who is hard to love. Say "Hell" to someone who doesn't care much about you.
8. Don't let worry kill you off - let the Church help.
9. Miss Charlene Mason sang "I will not pass this way again," giving obvious pleasure to the congregation.
10. For those of you who have children and don't know it, we have a nursery downstairs.
11. Next Thursday there will be try outs for the choir. They need all the help they can get.
12. Barbara remains in the hospital and needs blood donors for more transfusions. She is also having trouble sleeping and requests tapes of Pastor Jack's sermons.
13. The Rector will preach his farewell message after which the choir will sing: " Break Forth Into Joy."
14. Irving Benson and Jessie Carter were married on October 24 in the church. So ends a friendship that began in their school days.
15. A bean supper will be held on Tuesday evening in the church hall. Music will follow.
16. At the evening service tonight, the sermon topic will be "What Is Hell?" Come early and listen to our choir practice.
17. Eight new choir robes are currently needed due to the addition of several new members and to the deterioration of some older ones.
18. Scouts are saving aluminum cans, bottles and other items to be recycled. Proceeds will be used to cripple children.
19. Please place your donation in the envelope along with the deceased person you want remembered.
20. Attend and you will hear an excellent speaker and heave a healthy lunch.
21. The church will host an evening of fine dining, super entertainment and gracious hostility.
22. Potluck supper Sunday at 5:00 PM - prayer and medication to
follow.
23. The ladies of the Church have cast off clothing of every kind.
They may be seen in the basement on Friday afternoon.
24. This evening at 7 PM there will be a hymn sing in the park across from the Church. Bring a blanket and come prepared to sin.
25. Ladies Bible Study will be held Thursday morning at 10 AM. All ladies are invited to lunch in the Fellowship Hall after the B.S. is done.
26. The pastor would appreciate it if the ladies of the congregation would lend him their electric girdles for the pancake breakfast next Sunday.
27. Low Self Esteem Support Group will meet Thursday at 7 PM. Please use the back door.
28. The eighth-graders will be presenting Shakespeare's Hamlet in the Church basement Friday at 7 PM. The congregation is invited to attend this tragedy.
29. Weight Watchers will meet at 7 PM at the First Presbyterian Church. Please use large double door at the side entrance.
30. The Associate Minister unveiled the church's new tithing campaign slogan last Sunday: "I Upped My Pledge ! - Up Yours!"
Thank God for church ladies with typewriters. These sentences actually appeared in church bulletins or were announced in church services:
1. Bertha Belch, a missionary from Africa, will be speaking tonight at Calvary Methodist. Come hear Bertha Belch all the way from Africa.
2. Announcement in a church bulletin for a national PRAYER & FASTING Conference: "The cost for attending the Fasting & Prayer Conference includes meals.
3. The sermon this morning: "Jesus Walks on the Water."
The sermon tonight:
"Searching for Jesus."
4. Our youth basketball team is back in action Wednesday at 8 PM in the recreation hall - Come out and watch us kill Christ the King.
5. Ladies, don't forget the rummage sale. It's a chance to get rid of those things not worth keeping around the house. Don't forget your husbands.
6. The peacemaking meeting scheduled for today has been cancelled due to a conflict.
7. Remember in prayer the many who are sick of our community. Smile at someone who is hard to love. Say "Hell" to someone who doesn't care much about you.
8. Don't let worry kill you off - let the Church help.
9. Miss Charlene Mason sang "I will not pass this way again," giving obvious pleasure to the congregation.
10. For those of you who have children and don't know it, we have a nursery downstairs.
11. Next Thursday there will be try outs for the choir. They need all the help they can get.
12. Barbara remains in the hospital and needs blood donors for more transfusions. She is also having trouble sleeping and requests tapes of Pastor Jack's sermons.
13. The Rector will preach his farewell message after which the choir will sing: " Break Forth Into Joy."
14. Irving Benson and Jessie Carter were married on October 24 in the church. So ends a friendship that began in their school days.
15. A bean supper will be held on Tuesday evening in the church hall. Music will follow.
16. At the evening service tonight, the sermon topic will be "What Is Hell?" Come early and listen to our choir practice.
17. Eight new choir robes are currently needed due to the addition of several new members and to the deterioration of some older ones.
18. Scouts are saving aluminum cans, bottles and other items to be recycled. Proceeds will be used to cripple children.
19. Please place your donation in the envelope along with the deceased person you want remembered.
20. Attend and you will hear an excellent speaker and heave a healthy lunch.
21. The church will host an evening of fine dining, super entertainment and gracious hostility.
22. Potluck supper Sunday at 5:00 PM - prayer and medication to
follow.
23. The ladies of the Church have cast off clothing of every kind.
They may be seen in the basement on Friday afternoon.
24. This evening at 7 PM there will be a hymn sing in the park across from the Church. Bring a blanket and come prepared to sin.
25. Ladies Bible Study will be held Thursday morning at 10 AM. All ladies are invited to lunch in the Fellowship Hall after the B.S. is done.
26. The pastor would appreciate it if the ladies of the congregation would lend him their electric girdles for the pancake breakfast next Sunday.
27. Low Self Esteem Support Group will meet Thursday at 7 PM. Please use the back door.
28. The eighth-graders will be presenting Shakespeare's Hamlet in the Church basement Friday at 7 PM. The congregation is invited to attend this tragedy.
29. Weight Watchers will meet at 7 PM at the First Presbyterian Church. Please use large double door at the side entrance.
30. The Associate Minister unveiled the church's new tithing campaign slogan last Sunday: "I Upped My Pledge ! - Up Yours!"
Might take a while to work out why she's smiling. 
http://www.magnumopus.co.uk/Hampshirecops.jpg
http://www.magnumopus.co.uk/Hampshirecops.jpgAndy Knight
Fear knocks at the door, knowledge answers and finds nothing.
Fear knocks at the door, knowledge answers and finds nothing.
-
Black Mamba
- Posts: 781
- Joined: 12 Sep 2006, 22:06
-
Black Mamba
- Posts: 781
- Joined: 12 Sep 2006, 22:06
-
Black Mamba
- Posts: 781
- Joined: 12 Sep 2006, 22:06
Arachnid just doesn't appreciate me and takes me for granted 
I'm going to cry now!! One day a guy dies and finds himself in hell. As he is wallowing in
despair, he has his first meeting with the devil...
Satan: "Why so glum?"
Guy: "What do you think? I'm in hell!"
Satan: "Hell's not so bad. We actually have a lot of fun down here. You
a drinking man?"
Guy: "Sure, I love to drink."
Satan: "Well, you're gonna love Mondays then. On Mondays, that's all we
do is drink. Whiskey, tequila, Guinness, wine coolers, Tab, and Fresca.
We drink 'til we throw up, and then we drink some more! And you don't
have to worry about getting a hangover, because you're dead anyway."
Guy: "Gee that sounds great!"
Satan: "You a smoker?"
Guy: "You better believe it"
Satan: "All right! You're gonna love Tuesdays We get the finest cigars
from all over the world, and smoke our lungs out. If you get cancer - no
biggie, you're already dead, remember?"
Guy: "Wow...that's awesome!"
Satan: "I bet you like to gamble."
Guy: "Why, yes, as a matter of fact I do."
Satan: "Good, 'cause Wednesdays you can gamble all you want. Craps,
blackjack, roulette, poker, slots, whatever. If you go bankrupt, it
doesn't matter, you're dead anyhow."
Guy: "Cool!"
Satan: "What about drugs?"
Guy: "Are you kidding? Love drugs! You don't mean...?"
Satan: "That's right! Thursday is drug day. Help yourself to a great big
bowl of crack or smack. Smoke a doobie the size of a submarine. You can
do all the drugs you want. You're dead so who cares."
Guy: "Wow! I never realized Hell was such a cool place!"
Satan: "You gay?"
Guy: "No..."
Satan: "Oooo, Fridays are gonna be tough..."
despair, he has his first meeting with the devil...
Satan: "Why so glum?"
Guy: "What do you think? I'm in hell!"
Satan: "Hell's not so bad. We actually have a lot of fun down here. You
a drinking man?"
Guy: "Sure, I love to drink."
Satan: "Well, you're gonna love Mondays then. On Mondays, that's all we
do is drink. Whiskey, tequila, Guinness, wine coolers, Tab, and Fresca.
We drink 'til we throw up, and then we drink some more! And you don't
have to worry about getting a hangover, because you're dead anyway."
Guy: "Gee that sounds great!"
Satan: "You a smoker?"
Guy: "You better believe it"
Satan: "All right! You're gonna love Tuesdays We get the finest cigars
from all over the world, and smoke our lungs out. If you get cancer - no
biggie, you're already dead, remember?"
Guy: "Wow...that's awesome!"
Satan: "I bet you like to gamble."
Guy: "Why, yes, as a matter of fact I do."
Satan: "Good, 'cause Wednesdays you can gamble all you want. Craps,
blackjack, roulette, poker, slots, whatever. If you go bankrupt, it
doesn't matter, you're dead anyhow."
Guy: "Cool!"
Satan: "What about drugs?"
Guy: "Are you kidding? Love drugs! You don't mean...?"
Satan: "That's right! Thursday is drug day. Help yourself to a great big
bowl of crack or smack. Smoke a doobie the size of a submarine. You can
do all the drugs you want. You're dead so who cares."
Guy: "Wow! I never realized Hell was such a cool place!"
Satan: "You gay?"
Guy: "No..."
Satan: "Oooo, Fridays are gonna be tough..."
Andy Knight
Fear knocks at the door, knowledge answers and finds nothing.
Fear knocks at the door, knowledge answers and finds nothing.
Don't touch the walls and make sure the sound is turned on http://www.wimp.com/maze/
After you have finished watch this http://www.metacafe.com/watch/707458/sc ... mpilation/
After you have finished watch this http://www.metacafe.com/watch/707458/sc ... mpilation/
Andy Knight
Fear knocks at the door, knowledge answers and finds nothing.
Fear knocks at the door, knowledge answers and finds nothing.
A man walks into his bedroom with a sheep under his arm and says:
"Darling, this is the pig I have sex with when you have a headache."
His wife is lying in bed and replies: "I think you'll find that's a
sheep, you idiot."
The man says: "I think you'll find I wasn't talking to you."
"Darling, this is the pig I have sex with when you have a headache."
His wife is lying in bed and replies: "I think you'll find that's a
sheep, you idiot."
The man says: "I think you'll find I wasn't talking to you."
Is Man The Dream Of The Dolphin??
A handful of 7 year old children were asked what they thought of beer.....
7-year-old Tim: " I think beer must be good. My dad says the more beer he drinks the prettier my mom gets."
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7-year-old Mellanie: " Beer makes my dad sleepy and we get to watch what we want on television when he is asleep, so beer is nice."
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7-year-old Grady: "My Mom and Dad both like beer. My Mom gets funny when she drinks it and takes her top off at parties, but Dad doesn't think this is very funny...."
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7-year-old Toby: "My Mom and Dad talk funny when they drink beer and the more they drink the more they give kisses to each other, which is a good thing."
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7-year-old Sarah: "My Dad gets funny on beer. He is funny. He also wets his pants sometimes, so he shouldn't have too much...."
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7-year-old Lilly: "My Dad loves beer. The more he drinks, the better he dances. One time he danced right into the pool...."
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7-year-old Ethan: "I don't like beer very much. Every time Dad drinks it, he burns the sausages on the barbeque and
they taste disgusting!"
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7-year-old Shirley: "I give dads' beer to the dog and he goes to sleep."
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7-year-old Jack: "My Mom drinks beer and she says silly things and picks on my father. Whenever she drinks beer she yells at Dad and tells him to 'go bury his bone down the street again' but that doesn't make any sense."
7-year-old Tim: " I think beer must be good. My dad says the more beer he drinks the prettier my mom gets."
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7-year-old Mellanie: " Beer makes my dad sleepy and we get to watch what we want on television when he is asleep, so beer is nice."
------------------------------------------------------------
7-year-old Grady: "My Mom and Dad both like beer. My Mom gets funny when she drinks it and takes her top off at parties, but Dad doesn't think this is very funny...."
------------------------------------------------------------
7-year-old Toby: "My Mom and Dad talk funny when they drink beer and the more they drink the more they give kisses to each other, which is a good thing."
------------------------------------------------------------
7-year-old Sarah: "My Dad gets funny on beer. He is funny. He also wets his pants sometimes, so he shouldn't have too much...."
------------------------------------------------------------
7-year-old Lilly: "My Dad loves beer. The more he drinks, the better he dances. One time he danced right into the pool...."
------------------------------------------------------------
7-year-old Ethan: "I don't like beer very much. Every time Dad drinks it, he burns the sausages on the barbeque and
they taste disgusting!"
------------------------------------------------------------
7-year-old Shirley: "I give dads' beer to the dog and he goes to sleep."
------------------------------------------------------------
7-year-old Jack: "My Mom drinks beer and she says silly things and picks on my father. Whenever she drinks beer she yells at Dad and tells him to 'go bury his bone down the street again' but that doesn't make any sense."
Andy Knight
Fear knocks at the door, knowledge answers and finds nothing.
Fear knocks at the door, knowledge answers and finds nothing.
Wonder if I could try this now that I'm a retired pensioner!!!! 
Subject: What do retired people really do all day?
>>
>> Working people frequently ask retired people what they do to make their
>> days interesting.
>>
>> Well, for example, the other day my wife and I went into town and went
>> into a shop. We were only in there for about 5 minutes. When we came
>> out, there was a cop writing out a parking ticket. We went up to him and
>> said, 'Come on man, how about giving a senior citizen a break?' He
>> ignored us and continued writing the ticket. I called him a Nazi turd.
>> He glared at me and started writing another ticket for having worn
>> tires.
>>
>> So my wife called him a shit-head. He finished the second ticket and put
>> it on the windshield with the first. Then he started writing a third
>> ticket.
>>
>> This went on for about 20 minutes. The more we abused him, the more
>> tickets he wrote.
>>
>> Personally, we didn't care. We came into town by bus. We try to have a
>> little fun each day now that we're retired. It's important at our age.
>>
Subject: What do retired people really do all day?
>>
>> Working people frequently ask retired people what they do to make their
>> days interesting.
>>
>> Well, for example, the other day my wife and I went into town and went
>> into a shop. We were only in there for about 5 minutes. When we came
>> out, there was a cop writing out a parking ticket. We went up to him and
>> said, 'Come on man, how about giving a senior citizen a break?' He
>> ignored us and continued writing the ticket. I called him a Nazi turd.
>> He glared at me and started writing another ticket for having worn
>> tires.
>>
>> So my wife called him a shit-head. He finished the second ticket and put
>> it on the windshield with the first. Then he started writing a third
>> ticket.
>>
>> This went on for about 20 minutes. The more we abused him, the more
>> tickets he wrote.
>>
>> Personally, we didn't care. We came into town by bus. We try to have a
>> little fun each day now that we're retired. It's important at our age.
>>
Why be scared????
To make up for the tiresome fence thread, here's a joke or two.
A man visit the doctor "Doctor, I think I'm a pair of curtains" the doctor replies "pull yourself together man".
A man visits the doctor "Doctor, I think I've got a lettuce stuck up my bottom" The doctor has a look and replies "ah yes, and that's just the tip of the iceburg".
A man visit the doctor "Doctor, I think I'm a pair of curtains" the doctor replies "pull yourself together man".
A man visits the doctor "Doctor, I think I've got a lettuce stuck up my bottom" The doctor has a look and replies "ah yes, and that's just the tip of the iceburg".
-
Bob Jefferson
- Posts: 6212
- Joined: 11 Dec 2004, 21:16
- Location: Planet Porty
- Contact:
Do you have anything else to make up for the jokes?gilo wrote:To make up for the tiresome fence thread, here's a joke or two.
A man visit the doctor "Doctor, I think I'm a pair of curtains" the doctor replies "pull yourself together man".
A man visits the doctor "Doctor, I think I've got a lettuce stuck up my bottom" The doctor has a look and replies "ah yes, and that's just the tip of the iceburg".
-
allaboardtheskylark
- Posts: 128
- Joined: 20 Jan 2010, 01:04
A woman with her baby gets onto a Lothian Bus and the drivers says "aw hen, that's one ugly baby".
Distraught, she makes her way up the bus, sits next to an old lady and bursts into tears.
The old lady comforts her and asks "what's wrong hen".
The woman replies "it was that driver, he was incredibly rude".
The old lady replied, "go back up there hen and give him a piece of your mind.
The young woman asks "will you come with me".
The old lady replies....
"Naw hen, I'll just sit here and hold on to yer monkey"
Distraught, she makes her way up the bus, sits next to an old lady and bursts into tears.
The old lady comforts her and asks "what's wrong hen".
The woman replies "it was that driver, he was incredibly rude".
The old lady replied, "go back up there hen and give him a piece of your mind.
The young woman asks "will you come with me".
The old lady replies....
"Naw hen, I'll just sit here and hold on to yer monkey"
A man walks into a doctors, he has a strawberry and the stalk sticking out the top of his head.
The doctor says, "I'll get you some cream for that".
The doctor says, "I'll get you some cream for that".
"So spin that wheel, cut that pack!
And roll those loaded dice
Bring on the dancing girls,
And put the champagne on ice"
[img]http://www.danasoft.com/sig/ZargonianWolfgang.jpg[/img]
And roll those loaded dice
Bring on the dancing girls,
And put the champagne on ice"
[img]http://www.danasoft.com/sig/ZargonianWolfgang.jpg[/img]